Back To School

It's funny how the repetition of school kind of reset my guard to a weaker point. After school hours are full of shuffling. Home from school, on to appointments or activities. I think about leaving Keith at home for some of it, but can't let my guard down. I am suspicious of him almost all the time. He's getting away with something. He was too complacent tonight, no anxious energy. Even without Bella hear to torture (at her Dads) he should have been restless or looking for entertainment.

I know I'll find out, but I honestly don't want to. I don't want more tightening of the screws.

I am torn between wanting to create my own life, and not adding new destinations and things to do to the calendar which would make it easier to leave Keith unsupervised.

I'd also like to devote some time to the douchiness of the baby daddy. Not now I guess, but I am cataloging it for the near future.

What Day Is It?

I have to stop and calculate the day. I am home alone. Bella is staying at her dad's (it's Sunday) and Keith wanted to stay at Nan's. He's been staying there often, but I don't push it because I know he is safe there, and I know he wants out from under me sometimes. He won't be able to stay over there on school nights (I might actually make it to Tuesday), and so he is tonight.

Yesterday was tense, he was trying to figure out how to get away getting some free time after school. Shut it down. Today we went to the movies and he and Martin started P90x.

There are a few things on my mind. I look at Lindsey and his GF's facebook daily. I also still know the password to his gmail. I find things I already know that reinforce my frustration with him. It's meaningless....he is who he is and will always do him the way he does now, but I want that ammunition which I never use. He's living happily (I gather). He seems to be. I am not happy though. There is no me+him equation for happiness, I never doubt that, but I make myself a little crazy every time I look. Which, again, is every day.

Also. I have some free time and there is no one to call and no one that calls. So that's still happening. When things are going with the kids I can say to myself that this is what I need to do, I need to focus on this, this is my life. But when they are gone the argument breaks. I guess I am little fucked up. I guess I already knew that. I guess I am not fixing it.

Strung Out

As usual I don't know what to say or where to start. I let Keith out of the house for a few hours yesterday and he smoked pot. I confronted him, he lied, I ended up flipping out on him.

I guess that sums it up. Nearly 6 weeks down the drain.

I am not all that surprised, really hurt by the lying. Really over it.

I don't want my life to be this way. I don't want to live with someone who will fight me at every opportunity. I don't want to be alone and friendless..

I know everyone feels this way sometimes. I know all feelings are temporary but I need some fucking relief.

Do we always orbit around the same problems?

I am focusing on accepting my life as is, believing this is the way it is supposed to be, regardless of my wants. I am grateful my job is flexible and I can manage the stuff with Keith and having both the kids out of school for the summer. I am grateful I am near my family and they are so willing to help. I am grateful I don't live with someone that makes me unhappy so I can focus on so many other things. I am grateful I can make so many choices-bike ride, dog walk, buy dinner or cook at home. So many comforts I have done with out and was raised with out.

Of course though I struggle with gratitude. I get so frustrated that Lindsey is doing what ever the fuck he wants whenever with whoever and has all of those options available to him. These are his kids, responsibility, crisis too. As the counselor says, he is being him, and that is why you divorced him. I wanted to go and see Lucinda Williams last night, but I don't even consider buying tickets because I have no one to go with. I heard Weezer's going to do a tour where they play Pinkerton all the way through. Will I have anyone to do anything with by then?

I just don't feel the internet or online dating really bringing someone into my life. My job doesn't bring local people too me. Again there are so many good things, but those things sting. I thought I'd have friends to do stuff with and that is not the case. Hasn't this been going on for like 2 years?

Calgon Take Me Away

I need some non alcohol, non carbohydrate related stress relief. It's tough to organize my day or time to be able to exercise as stress relief. I can walk the dog, but getting my sweat on is tough to schedule. Jogging has negative side effects for days (too fat to jog), achy hips, knees, feet. Not making excuses, it just is what it is. I also have to work everyday, at least a little.

Keith was asking when he'd get some freedom back, wants to have a social life this summer. I think it will be another month before we know what the story is with his charges, school starts in 3 weeks. I am stressed just thinking about how to keep him home on Fridays and weekends once school starts. He cannot control himself around smoking/drinking other dangerous behavior and the bottom line is that will land him directly in jail. I don't know how to get that through to him. I've told him he should get a job, but he's not making any moves towards that.

I really do want to eat and drink non stop after 4 PM. I am thinking about asking my Dr for Xanax or something similar. Calorie free at least. I don't want to dull my instincts though. They haven't let me down with Keith yet.

I always feel super needy when I write stuff like what I am about to write, but it really amazes me how much of this is on my own. Nan and Martin are a HUGE help. Lindsey can only react, can't do or initiate anything. No one else really is around. I expect too much from Marie. She's my friend, not my life partner, but it's a disappointing conversation every time she says I should have Lindsey more involved or someone should beat some sense into Keith. It seems that we are past that. What good would that do?

I am a totally lacking patience and get bitchy too fast with Bella. Even when she's been with her dad all of Sunday, most of Monday and with Nan for hours today. I just shut down some how as soon as Keith is gone (like w Nan or Martin) and don't have much left for her. Shitty.

I was feeling marginally positive

Still going, still getting out of bed everyday. Feeling less paralyzed, but still plenty of craziness. I had Keith and Martin paint Keith's room today. I figured he needed to respect his environment to have any self respect and the room was pretty much a reflection of his previous state. It went pretty well, they did a good job. It cost a lot of money.

We went to the MD and he was prescribed Zolof which is of the prozac family. It was a very scary proposition. I am nervous about side effects and nervous about encouraging drugs to solve problems. I found a note in his wallet were he had written down the name of one of Ed's medications. It was a cholesterol drug. That's how bad it is.

He also just came out to ask me if he could walk the dog so I asked him what was in his pockets, he had some stickers which basically=graffiti and I know he had a cigarette he took from Martin. Same old shit. He hasn't even been able to sleep in his own bed for almost 2 weeks, but he's still down to smoke cigarettes (that he stole) and tag shit. It's going to be a long road.

I am still fat. I think I get why ;-)

Breakfast-Zen raisin bread w peanut butter = 330 calories
Snack-Banana 100 calories
Lunch-Sonic Chicken w bacon and tater tots=1000 calories
Dinner-Beer, brown rice, chicken, broccoli 800 calories
~2300 Calories

Monday I'm going to weight watchers for about the 4th time. It worked that one time, but I had an energy for it that I don't know if I can reclaim. I just need that feeling of control though, giving myself the medicine of diet/exercise.

Tomorrow Keith, Martin and I are going to the Getty to see a photography exhibit. Am I an idiot? I keep trying, but same results. I guess he's the idiot for now but I'm definitely in the game with an idiot. t

I'd like to lie down under my desk

I'm in the office today, had lap top repaired and other stuff to get done. None of which really got done (laptop repair not my responsibility, so it got done). I'm sick with anxiety. That is the bottom line. I am nearly immobile today, I really want to go somewhere and cry but I want someone there who will comfort me and who genuinely cares.

I don't even want to write down what I caught Keith doing yesterday, it's so unbelievably fucked up with him right now and I can't see any progress or movement towards change. I'm worn out, I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm ashamed. I'm old, I'm fat, it's not a good time.

Today I am taking him to the medical Dr. to see about medication for depression. I do think he needs it, but I am scared of him falling into the 4% that becomes worse by taking it. I am also concerned by medicating problems, that's what he's basically been doing for a long time and he needs to learn not to. WTF is going to become of my son? It is the fucking scariest thing ever.

Week Whatever of Teenager meltdown

On Wednesday we had a total blow up because I caught Keith trying to sneak out. It was a crazy experience....phone range, I was in bed I and I thought I knew where the phone was, but then couldn't be sure. Got up, his door was locked, he opened the door fully clothed, shoes and all. His skateboard, a beanie with a cigarette in it and a baggie full of coins. The crazy part was to what lengths he went to in his lie. I'm "sketchy" he wasn't "planning" on leaving. Got totally out of hand, yelling at me. He hates me, hates living here. I called Lindsey to come over and boy did that make it worse. Keith was hitting himself, saying I was forcing him to kill himself. All sorts of crazy. Oh yeah, I have 2 kids, the most heartbreaking was Bella crying in her bed with the blankets over her head. Lindsey came and when I let him in I saw the screen was off Keith's window, but I am crazy. So after Lindsey and I both talking to him for a while, I'd had enough and left them alone. Seemed to calm down, but it's all a big fucked up mess. He's been sleeping on the couch ever since so I can see him. Not sure what to do about that. I want a new couch included in his restitution.

For most of this weekend he's been at Nans. We did a lot of house work yesterday (Keith included) then I had to get groceries etc, so he went to Nan's. Today he and Martin went to the Fair to see the skate competition. They work back and forth from Nan's all day.

I've never really thought too much about what he's said to me in the past. Today though all that stuff about hating me and hating it here wouldn't go away. I don't know how to process it. Same old Mom song for a 1000 years.

Also remember how I said I have no friends? Totally true. So over Marie and the just totally unavailable thing we've got going on. I spent some time with Shelagh and Janet from HS last week. It was easy and fine, but don't really want all that much more of it. I have no idea what they think about me or the boy felon situation.

Today Lindsey took Bella to his mom's for a BBQ and I had nothing to do. I could fold laundry, walk the dog, or go to a movie alone. I went to a movie alone, but just feel nothing about any of it. Sad a little, but no desire to do anything. I feel like you can't have it all at once. Right now I have a job I have to maintain, and a family crisis, not much room for much else. But my support system is limited and I could use more of that right now. This week is all home, maybe 1 day at a customer. Wednesday's are the worst now. Keith has to go to summer school and counseling. Lots of unhappy driving around town for us.

A Week or So Later

I re read yesterdays post and it was all f'd up...edited. It shows how much has yet to be processed in this whole thing. I can't get a handle on it yet. We called a detective who's been assigned to the case and he basically doesn't care about the additional info Keith's ready to give them. I want Keith to do the right thing, I know he's willing to do tell only because it will potentially get him less punishment. It's a lot of heartache.

This situation makes me look at everything all over again. I know what Keith did isn't my fault. He knew right from wrong and made a choice. Having him in the house non stop with Bella here is tough. It makes me short with her. That's not all bad, when it's just her and I the little stuff doesn't come up like it does with him bugging her. For the most part he's been compliant.

The thing it makes me feel that I don't want to write about because it's so dumb is it all makes me feel fat. I am fat, that's a fact. But I guess everything I haven't done is under review. I haven't taken care of myself completely, I don't address overeating. This whole situation makes me feel a bit justified for being fat too...I need to focus on Keith and getting that straight, so fat will keep dating away, which I don't have time for. Messed up!

I'm going to do this again

I am doing this again mostly because I can't find anything nearly like my life on the internet. Maybe it's out there....IDK. The internet teaches us to be ADD if nothing else, so if it doesn't come up in the top 3 I am not going to find it. I am still 100 yrs old and mostly friendless and with no significant other or prospect for one in the future. Today I am OK with that. Other days it makes me sad.

I have 2 kids...7 and 15.5...15.5 was arrested for a felony 1 week ago. He stole cigarettes with 2 friends, $3k worth. He would've sold the cigarettes for money to buy pot. So now we are waiting to see what happens next. He's working through his summer school stuff, staying home, supervised 100% of the time. I am sure he is withdrawing from smoking pot and cigarettes. In some ways it's a relief to know he's here and not doing anything he shouldn't be. No cell phone, no house phone privileges.

I am a responsible adult, I have a full time job. I am focused on my kids, I don't have drinking problem. I don't recreationaly use drugs. I work, I take care of my responsibilities and still I have a son who committed a felony. No one really addresses the fact that you can be doing mostly the right things and still things turn out not so good. "mostly the right things" I think if I had stayed married longer it wouldn't have turned out this way. Also the little things through out his childhood...no quitting soccer! No rated PG movies! No tolerating the substance abuser in our family...but here we are.

Trajectory

The path continued to it's end, in which the Match guy texted me and said he put more thought into it and we're not a good match after all. OK. Bye. But also WTF? We had exchanged text messages for fucks sake. I know how it goes, a better looking offer appears, you can't juggle multiple people when you first start, but it really felt shitty on top of shitty. Then after that I decided to call MB, I got to thinking about what I am good at, and one of the things is making awkward situations better, connecting with people etc. So I thought I'd call and just try and have some kind of verbal report. We'll that kinda sucked. We chatted for a bit, he got another call, said he'd call back. Didn't. Emailed to apologize. OK got it.

I've been doing things 1 of 2 ways. Old way, take charge, make it happen which results in not seeing how the other person feels about me, creating insecurities in me because I am not being pursued, or the alternative of doing nothing but being available.

I get the lesson, but I don't believe in it. I get that it will happen when it is supposed to happen and you can't force it. But doing nothing is just not me. It reminds me a little of "To worry or not to worry, the outcome is the same". The craziness of me doesn't create the momentum I want. Just like hysterical mom doesn't make Keith change. OK maybe I do believe in that.

The rejection is so inner child though. Every time I put myself out there, I am admitting to the world and myself I need help, I want to be taken care of. That's big stuff for me. When your mom didn't take care of you it seems like a huge risk. Part of me can't believe all these strangers don't get that. But duh, they don't get that.

boys are super dumb

So, no one called for any reason. That's that. No call from high energy sober guy, no call from MB. It should be a reminder not to worry or get wrapped up in anything that isn't happening right now. Because that's a lot of energy and it didn't even exist really.

MB emailed me today that someone was asking him about us in Chicago. I don't understand the purpose of that correspondence. Does he just want to talk to me? What does he expect me to say? I asked him how he responded and how he thought he knew. Said he didn't respond and asked me if I told our mutual irish friend. No, he's like my dad or pervy uncle. I told him I hoped it didn't make him uncomfortable or cause problems @ work. He said it didn't. That whole correspondence made me insecure....I prefer phone conversations to some degree. One side is he wanted a reason to communicate w me, but whatevs. Boys are super dumb. I also found him on FB (more fb induced pain) and sent a friend request with a note that I was very grateful he's a democrat. Made me wonder if the email today was a diversionary tactic to avoid me on FB, also wondered what the other guy might now about SCG and what he would say to MB. I don't really care, but if someone else does they should just call me. The perils of sleeping with strangers.

I just wish someone would step up to the plate a bit. I am so ready to take charge but always holding back. If I do to much I'll never know what they are willing to do.
Been txting for 2 days w a match guy. Why doesn't he just ask to meet for a drink or something? Lots of investment, may not go anywhere. Boys are super dumb.

What Can I Say

I am not sure WTF is going on with me right now. I am kicking it old school, several glasses into a bottle of wine and hitting the internet. I really hope I dont have to pick Keith up somewhere, but it's likely I will.

I thought the internet thing went well on Thurs night. It's Sat, no word yet. Tomorrow is day 3, so we'll see. He had a lot of energy, in a hyper good sort of way, and was sober which is interesting. Nothing ventured at this point. Haven't heard from MB since the heads up about next week not working. I am trying to determine what I am willing to do in the case of a call next week. I fear I am willing to do too much.

And then I went a little crazy for a pretty stupid reason

Bella won a reading contest in her class and went out to dinner with her teacher and 2 other kids. One of which is the daughter of the crazy mom that I love. So I went out to dinner with crazy mom, which makes me feel happy because I have officially made a friend. I picked Keith up from a friends, he asked me if he could go before he went, and agreed on a reasonable pick up time!

I was home doing whatever and get an email from MB, the guy from Chicago. We went back and forth for an hour or so and then he says he's going to be in San Diego next week do I want to see him. Umm, yes please. So you know how my mind works in these cases. I started asking about logistics, which day, what time, any other old work people there. I went to bed before the answers and then I woke up a few hours latter and couldn't sleep for a few hours. A lot of anxiety about the whole thing. I am playing out what the rejection is going to feel like when he doesn't show up, when he cancels, when he is late. I am living with the negative, creating the negative, all kinds of crazy. I am also letting that bleed into everyone I meet. I have the other date tonight, like its not the same energy? I isolate or compartmentalize the humiliation and hurt from SCG, and even GF before that and my body feels like it's reacting to the risk. I can remember so clearly the feeling when I was in Austin to see SCG and I'm leaving from the airport feeling WCS creeping in. And then it was.

I think it's more about the fact that I ignored my gut and the signs in the old situations, but now my gut is confused and sending signals before signs. How to I realign it? I never want to stop taking risks, but risks with the anticipation of failure is just failure.

Mid day update
Unlikely to happen, he emailed this AM and said schedule is falling apart. I get that, I know how those things go, but feels self fulfilled, embarrassing. Some progress though, he told me in advance vs no call no show. All of it is also self contained, he has no idea the reaction, played it cool. Slightly disappointed in Marie however. Txt'd her last night with something obviously requiring feedback, and then called this AM and nothing in return.
Another update
I went and talked to Stevie Nicks and she said the anxiety was really the gut going off about doing more than my share. Driving to see him and making all those plans feels like something OK to do, but her point was he should do more.

I think I should

I think I should write something, but don't feel like anything is making me too crazy this second. I went for a bike ride today!!!!! first time in forever and I was smiling ear to ear for the first 10 miles, the next 15 were still good but some work. I can easily add a little more each weekend.

I went and saw A Single Man tonight. It was heartache on screen.

Not sure what else. I need to work, the last week has been so lame on my part, so hopefully this week will be better.

I have an internet date I think might be OK, we'll see.

WTF is going on with me? FFS!

I hit the wall tonight. Of course with Keith, I was really seriously furious. He comes on strong and doesn't ever back down or deal with me being pissed at him. I feel really out there on my own with him. I still defend him to Lindsey and if he doesn't fucking turn out right, it's all on me. Why does he have to be such a dick? The details don't even matter, I am just worn out with acting like he's not being a dick.

I don't know why I am worn out, things are easier for me now than ever in a lot of respects. Work especially.

I am worn out from not having what I want (crying now). I want some fucking help, from someone on my side. I don't want to go to that down place and stay there for any length of time, I feel like I finally climbed out. I get these little stray flicker of hope, but they don't pan out. I am better with that than I have been in the past, but it still induces a cycle, and there's no pay off in it. Masturbating with out orgasm. NG.

I had 2 options in the moment, in my mind. Calling Ex or Nan (crying again). WTF is going on with that? For fuck's sake that's not really how I had hoped it would turn out. Part of me knows it has to be this way, in an optimistic sort of way, but it is a relentless cycle.

The whole f'ing thing with Steve has me pissed of too. He called, didn't work out for lunch, haven't heard from him since. Also fucking facebook doesn't make anything better, I can tell he's had time for that. I feel like a total idiot writing that but also with fucking SCG. He's back on FB, sent a request, got nothing back, and he's also been online. So whatevs. I should not give a FUCK about either of them, but I got nothing else going on. The online thing is such a filthy meaningless thing to do.

So tomorrow I resume. It appears I should give up FB for a while if it is making me this pissed.

Surviving NJ

I got totally sick on the way home from NJ. The last hour of the flight I felt awful, then when I stepped outside I thought I was going to faint. I made it home, changed clothes, got into bed, and left only to through up or use the bathroom for the next 24 hours. Poor Bella, I'd been gone a week, then couldn't move for 24 hours. Her birthday party was Sunday. She was worried I'd be too sick to go, but I was pretty much recovered by Saturday. The birthday party was a hit and it's good to be working from home for the next few weeks. Keith's getting a new bed this afternoon, lots of cleaning up this AM.

After being sick I've seen how much I really eat and how much a part of my day food and thinking about food is. It's not cool. I'm trying (of course) to retain some of this perspective as the illness is gone and my mind takes over. I woke up in the middle of the night last night going over a memory I have from childhood. I have thought about this often, I think it is the first memory I have of food compulsion. I was somewhere between 8-11, and it was summer vacation. My mom worked nights and I'd have to keep myself busy for hours a day while she slept. I remember taking frozen fruit and a big coffee can sized container of honey and sitting behind a chair and dipping the fruit in the can and eating it. Someone pulled up (probably Jan or Joan E to rescue me for the afternoon) and I had to hurry and get rid of the evidence. Like I said this memory comes to mind often, not daily but enough to know it's not new. Last night I thought about the pressure my mom put on me regarding my weight, and how at the same time I was left alone for hours. I remember about 11 or 12 being told to go ride my bike. I was an only child, without friends in the neighborhood and the food/exercise issue was on the table. It occurred to me that these are pretty adult problems, one most adults don't solve, and it was put off on me like "Go fix this". It makes me sad, that child needed more care than she received and I am that child now. I care for myself, and I think loosing weight would be a better way of demonstrating the care and regard I have for myself, but at the same time caring for myself some how means this problem shouldn't be on the table, I should be loved as is. I know Bella needs exercise, so we go out and get it. I know she needs to eat well so I prepare it. I know what compulsive eating looks like, and duh she's not left to her own devices for hours and then blamed for the outcome.

What now though. Do I continue to carry this around and blame her? That seems to be giving her a lot more power in my life than I am willing to hand over. I haven't got it all figured out but if it's waking me up in the middle of the night there is something there. It makes me feel a little sick to write this out even.

Sitting in Coach en route to Newark

Sadly True Title. Writing to pass the time, not much to say really. I went to dinner/drinks with Shelagh last night, it was fun. I used to be jealous that I wasn’t really in her life, but thankfully not carrying that around now. It’s so hard to explain why I got divorced or what’s wrong with Lindsey. Can I tell a million small stories and it seems like I am petty and none of it matters? Can I explain how he didn’t want me to be me and how he hated my spark (any spark). It feels weird.

I’m not sure if I ever wrote about Steve, a guy I used to work with about 10-12 yrs ago. We always got a long great, and we were always married. When I left Kx I called and let him know and we spent a few months going to lunch once a week or more. He wanted to have an affair, but I held fast and wouldn’t (amazing!). His marriage was on and off, and he has a 4 or 5 yr old autistic son, and he’s about 50. Overtime it was getting harder to resist, and spending time with him was acting as a surrogate for me finding something else. I didn’t hear from him for over a month and when I did I was pissed and told him I felt used. Then I didn’t hear from him for a few more months.

He texted me last week. I had been thinking of calling him, but thankfully didn’t. We were supposed to meet for lunch last week, but he was in Long Beach and I didn’t feel like driving that far.

The whole thing was lasted about 2 months (June/July), maybe into Aug or Sept. I remember it was insufferably hot every time I saw him. I wanted to be the friend that helps you in a bad time in your marriage. That’s such a tough place to be alone. But I heard a few things I really didn’t like. He was very hateful towards his wife’s almost infidelity, but we were almost infidels weekly. He wanted her and his son to move so he could stay in the house. Don’t kids need their Mom’s and lots of stability? Also he’s old and the thought of a BF with an autistic son is a bit much. Maybe not if he was super dad, but I wasn’t really feeling that. We do have a certain chemistry though, and he has the right sensibilities. I am waiting to see how long and if he’ll contact me again after the lunch didn’t work out, and what he has to say for himself.

I had lunch with an internet guy and it was :I . Maybe it wouldn’t suck but I wasn’t feeling it, and I don’t think he was either. He has emailed me since, but IDK. Nothing wrong, but nothing right either. There are 2 or 3 others out there but it’s been tedious.

Ouch!

The Birthday Rant seems a little harsh as does the post before that. I guess I'm using the blog to vent all kinds of stuff, but when I re read it I don't really remember feeling as strongly in those moments.

Today I was walking the dog in the back bay and it's raining and muddy and I tried to walk across a log (really a cautionary tree branch in a deep mud puddle) and, wait for it, wait for it. I fell. My ankle is swollen, but not beyond use and I had to walk a mile covered entirely on my right side in mud back to the car. Since then icing, and it should be OK at some point. Funny though, I just wrote out a big calendar/to do on walking/exercising and eating right to get things in order before Puerto Rico in May. The commitment was 1 hr a day. That hour might hurt a bit more than I bargained for.

Not much else really, saw Stevie Nicks today. We both agreed that my on the road energy/work confidence is what makes me get more male attention there than at home. I'll try to have that in mind this week for the online thing.

It's My Birthday this is my rant

It is and it's been a good day. Busy with work, actually productive, plenty of well wishes. Went to dinner with the kids. I am 39 yrs old for fucks sake, what should a birthday look like.

I hate doing the online dating thing, but have forced myself to in order to meet anyone. When someone appears to be interested, I get negative. Disqualifying them or berating myself.

Figured out a way to get the guy to email me. Lame, old habit and it worked. Now right were I started. Slept w a guy who I don't know.

Bored at home, internet isn't offering anything entertaining.

Impatient with Bella.

Suspicious of Keith.

Birthday rant.

Old Habits

I hadn't had sex for a year and half. It was OK for the first year I guess. I was focused on not repeating the issues of SCG and really focusing on what I want; a relationship, something repeatable. As I have explained I have been thinking about sex, sweating sex, distracting myself from thoughts of sex and that is awkward. So I was at a meeting in Chicago and met someone who works at KeFX and had a little too much to drink and he was in pursuit. The good news is the dry spell is over, or at least the counter has been reset. It was fun and in the moment I didn't feel any regret or anxiety (more than a couple of drinks will do that to you). He was very sweet and then he left in the AM and I haven't heard from him since.

I still don't really regret it, but this is not who I am or who I want to be. Colleagues will talk, and I want something more and sleeping with someone immediately isn't going to give that to me. It made me see I was missing intimacy and craving that vs sex. I also see myself capable of repeating the past. Turning this stranger into an option, I could find him on facebook, I could call or txt, I could find a reason to go to his town. I am not doing any of those things and on one hand that's good, but on the other hand it makes me see I slept with a stranger. Uggh. Also does not help that I read Finding Mr. Goodbar on the plane on the way over. Harsh.

I am hoping I can take the confidence of knowing someone was interested, keep that desperate edge away and go into meeting people with a better head.

Home :)

I am happy to be home this week. I want the comfort of laundry and dog walking. I'm sure I'll be frustrated with couch sitting but for now I'm feeling it. I re read the last post, I did about the same last week but didn't work out while in OH and since I've been home it's just been walking. I'm not going to hate on that, but need to step it up.

This is kind of embarrassing but since no one reads this it should be OK. I can't stop thinking about sex. It is like I am a 15 yr old boy. As I have documented I don't have too many options and I am self conscious about rejection, so not sure how to resolve this. I am clearly too young to be this celibate.

The dog is mad at me. He really doesn't want to be near me. WTF? I think it's 1 of 2 things. He could still be in some pain from getting fixed, and wants to avoid me figuring that out, or he's just pissed about nail clipping, eye medicine etc. Makes me sad :( . Channeling The Dog Wisperer finding the right energy right now.

I really felt like I needed to write this and it's really not much of anything.

No one reads this!

I just think that's funny. I read a few blogs regularly, 4 or 5. I used to really fear someone reading it and now I don't. Other blogs refer to the comfort and the antidote for loneliness in comment, so that is appealing.

I've been watching Celebrity Rehab. What is right under my skin that makes me cry? What am I feeling that is just slightly misplaced or out of context? Maybe everyone has the pain nerve and seeing something in a similar vein activates it, I don't know.

So still writing down what I eat, still not so good. Drank a little better for a few days in Vegas, stopped early, didn't fall for the peer pressure of it all. That was good, but I was having food issues. The food was mediocre. I wanted to be satisfied, which means eating too much~a la last supper syndrome. I didn't do it, I skipped ice cream and available smell good snacks. I didn't eat things I didn't like just to get full (which means stuffed) but I wanted to. I felt a lot worse about that before I wrote it, I didn't do it, but I wanted to. That's OK, that's good responsible behavior.

I want to feel better about my body, which means loosing weight, I need to make that part of my day everyday. So next week the exercise folds back in. Then I need to take that show on the road.

Moving Parts

I was feeling pretty good for about a week or so. Took a big dose of suck it up and started working on what might make me feel better in general. I applied for some volunteer stuff, re learning the Getting Things Done approach to organization/life/work. Hit the road for business this week, rough travel days and the ambiguity and malaise starts setting in. I can see it happening which is helpful to observe how it works. I don't have enough to do, I sit around and surf the web looking for inspiration and it feel shitty. It's just not enough movement or momentum.

Also I've been writing down what I've been eating this trip. It's not good. Also lots of drinking, which makes for more social fun but conflicts with other objectives. I've had plenty of sitting around time today, but going to the gym seems highly unlikely. So when I wrote previously it shouldn't be so hard to eat about 1500 calories a day and get 1 hr of exercise it apparently is.

A few approaches for change-for the next few days focus on getting enough sleep-therefore I should be able to wake up a bit early and exercising first thing (could start on Saturday with exercise). Keep writing down what I am eating and eliminate some food choices (a chicken quesadilla should be off limits when reading a menu).

The GTD method as a project for me will help capture all kinds of objectives-taking classes-write it down, prioritize, etc. Healthy living, socializing etc etc etc.

I think I need to take some old school basic steps of scheduling my time, looking at steps towards long range goals as daily activities, creating momentum, keeping these depressive tendencies at bay.