Calgon Take Me Away

I need some non alcohol, non carbohydrate related stress relief. It's tough to organize my day or time to be able to exercise as stress relief. I can walk the dog, but getting my sweat on is tough to schedule. Jogging has negative side effects for days (too fat to jog), achy hips, knees, feet. Not making excuses, it just is what it is. I also have to work everyday, at least a little.

Keith was asking when he'd get some freedom back, wants to have a social life this summer. I think it will be another month before we know what the story is with his charges, school starts in 3 weeks. I am stressed just thinking about how to keep him home on Fridays and weekends once school starts. He cannot control himself around smoking/drinking other dangerous behavior and the bottom line is that will land him directly in jail. I don't know how to get that through to him. I've told him he should get a job, but he's not making any moves towards that.

I really do want to eat and drink non stop after 4 PM. I am thinking about asking my Dr for Xanax or something similar. Calorie free at least. I don't want to dull my instincts though. They haven't let me down with Keith yet.

I always feel super needy when I write stuff like what I am about to write, but it really amazes me how much of this is on my own. Nan and Martin are a HUGE help. Lindsey can only react, can't do or initiate anything. No one else really is around. I expect too much from Marie. She's my friend, not my life partner, but it's a disappointing conversation every time she says I should have Lindsey more involved or someone should beat some sense into Keith. It seems that we are past that. What good would that do?

I am a totally lacking patience and get bitchy too fast with Bella. Even when she's been with her dad all of Sunday, most of Monday and with Nan for hours today. I just shut down some how as soon as Keith is gone (like w Nan or Martin) and don't have much left for her. Shitty.

Week Whatever of Teenager meltdown

On Wednesday we had a total blow up because I caught Keith trying to sneak out. It was a crazy experience....phone range, I was in bed I and I thought I knew where the phone was, but then couldn't be sure. Got up, his door was locked, he opened the door fully clothed, shoes and all. His skateboard, a beanie with a cigarette in it and a baggie full of coins. The crazy part was to what lengths he went to in his lie. I'm "sketchy" he wasn't "planning" on leaving. Got totally out of hand, yelling at me. He hates me, hates living here. I called Lindsey to come over and boy did that make it worse. Keith was hitting himself, saying I was forcing him to kill himself. All sorts of crazy. Oh yeah, I have 2 kids, the most heartbreaking was Bella crying in her bed with the blankets over her head. Lindsey came and when I let him in I saw the screen was off Keith's window, but I am crazy. So after Lindsey and I both talking to him for a while, I'd had enough and left them alone. Seemed to calm down, but it's all a big fucked up mess. He's been sleeping on the couch ever since so I can see him. Not sure what to do about that. I want a new couch included in his restitution.

For most of this weekend he's been at Nans. We did a lot of house work yesterday (Keith included) then I had to get groceries etc, so he went to Nan's. Today he and Martin went to the Fair to see the skate competition. They work back and forth from Nan's all day.

I've never really thought too much about what he's said to me in the past. Today though all that stuff about hating me and hating it here wouldn't go away. I don't know how to process it. Same old Mom song for a 1000 years.

Also remember how I said I have no friends? Totally true. So over Marie and the just totally unavailable thing we've got going on. I spent some time with Shelagh and Janet from HS last week. It was easy and fine, but don't really want all that much more of it. I have no idea what they think about me or the boy felon situation.

Today Lindsey took Bella to his mom's for a BBQ and I had nothing to do. I could fold laundry, walk the dog, or go to a movie alone. I went to a movie alone, but just feel nothing about any of it. Sad a little, but no desire to do anything. I feel like you can't have it all at once. Right now I have a job I have to maintain, and a family crisis, not much room for much else. But my support system is limited and I could use more of that right now. This week is all home, maybe 1 day at a customer. Wednesday's are the worst now. Keith has to go to summer school and counseling. Lots of unhappy driving around town for us.

Here. There. Everywhere

Dear Diary,

I can no longer resist the pull of the confessional post. Although I have nothing to confess I' ve tried to avoid the list of complaint/sad sack post I previously perfected. I fear I can no longer resist.

I' m wondering what my passion really is. If I could do something very fulfilling what would that be? Would it be capitalism, would it be altruistic, would it be nothing (winning the lotto?). I am not sure. There is something out there more compelling than what currently takes me away from home.

I am good at motivating and supporting others (leading them to do their best)
I am good at making and executing decisions

I care about humanity in a way that is under used
I need to make 150k+ to drop out of corporate life.


Seems kinda like a 12yr olds diary entry, but I think it's a pretty good start. I care about helping people-bottom line- that's what I tap into for the corporate life. I'd like have something more meaningful. Reading about the Clinton Foundation, the problems in the Sudan, micro lending, issues of access make me feel-I want to contribute. I went to the Claim Jumper the other night and was appalled by the waste. Can't we connect the hungry with the excess? What if I could automatically donate 25% of my meal to someone in need (same fee, smaller portion)? I would always do that. I think many Americans want to help but they don't like to donate $, they like to do, or have the belief that they are eliminating bureaucracy or government from giving. I have to start participating in some organizations to see how it feels and learn about how they work to see where I can fit.

I was in NYC for a few days for work. Perfect weather, great energy. I really loved walking to appointments with JayZ on the iPod and the sky line. Didn't maximize the city at night, it was the first time I was there alone and couldn't muster the ability to take it outside after hours. I did talk to a man in a bar (!) but didn't pursue it to the full extent (safety first!). I wanted to have company while I was there. Even Ethan or Tets is a willing ride along. I still think about the Steve situation too. I draft strongly worded emails and develop manifestos but don't send them. What's the desired outcome? Apology? Whatever. Push the interaction to an affair? I am too good for that. But I am also with no current offers or options on the table and 14 months into a dry spell.

At this very instant I am such a mix of optimism and pessimism. I think it's all possible, and what I really want is really out there, but I go home to routine and can't break out. I fell a mix of getting used to what I don't want for myself (cats/boxed wine/sweat pants) and the potential of putting myself in the right environment. The result is just pressing pause and doing nothing. Part of me still cant contextualize a relationship in my life completely. Like introducing the kids and integrating someone into my life openly seems years away. Literally years away. I think part of that is based in self doubt. Doubt of my abilities to make the right relationship decisions (lowering my tolerance for crazy) and doubting my desirability. I have to leave those anchors, but there are obstacles. Survival with kids, work, day to day always wears me down.

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