Bella won a reading contest in her class and went out to dinner with her teacher and 2 other kids. One of which is the daughter of the crazy mom that I love. So I went out to dinner with crazy mom, which makes me feel happy because I have officially made a friend. I picked Keith up from a friends, he asked me if he could go before he went, and agreed on a reasonable pick up time!
I was home doing whatever and get an email from MB, the guy from Chicago. We went back and forth for an hour or so and then he says he's going to be in San Diego next week do I want to see him. Umm, yes please. So you know how my mind works in these cases. I started asking about logistics, which day, what time, any other old work people there. I went to bed before the answers and then I woke up a few hours latter and couldn't sleep for a few hours. A lot of anxiety about the whole thing. I am playing out what the rejection is going to feel like when he doesn't show up, when he cancels, when he is late. I am living with the negative, creating the negative, all kinds of crazy. I am also letting that bleed into everyone I meet. I have the other date tonight, like its not the same energy? I isolate or compartmentalize the humiliation and hurt from SCG, and even GF before that and my body feels like it's reacting to the risk. I can remember so clearly the feeling when I was in Austin to see SCG and I'm leaving from the airport feeling WCS creeping in. And then it was.
I think it's more about the fact that I ignored my gut and the signs in the old situations, but now my gut is confused and sending signals before signs. How to I realign it? I never want to stop taking risks, but risks with the anticipation of failure is just failure.
Mid day update
Unlikely to happen, he emailed this AM and said schedule is falling apart. I get that, I know how those things go, but feels self fulfilled, embarrassing. Some progress though, he told me in advance vs no call no show. All of it is also self contained, he has no idea the reaction, played it cool. Slightly disappointed in Marie however. Txt'd her last night with something obviously requiring feedback, and then called this AM and nothing in return.
Another update
I went and talked to Stevie Nicks and she said the anxiety was really the gut going off about doing more than my share. Driving to see him and making all those plans feels like something OK to do, but her point was he should do more.
Showing posts with label sleepless nights. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sleepless nights. Show all posts
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Monday, December 21, 2009
Stuck
I'm not feeling well and I stayed up way to late. I took the boy to a show in LA and then waited up for him to get dropped off at home. My mind was not quiet but was not linear either. I'm in a state lacking motion. Looking forward to the girl being with her dad today. I need a break from the constant-ness of it.
I have nothing going on, so I have little to say. I often feel sorry for myself, jealous, and resentful of those who have what I want. Those are not joyful or attractive feelings. I've driven some people off and can't shake the ones I should have driven off (just the one really). How will I prepare for 40? How will I spend the next year? Will I wake up next December and feel like saying good bye to another year just for that ceremonial restart? I don't want to be that type of person but that has been the last year, nearly 2. I can talk about a solution-resolving to eat better, exercise regularly, try new social settings, but they all feel inauthentic.
Authentic? Walking the dog. Music (torch song sing a longs in the car), cooking.
I have nothing going on, so I have little to say. I often feel sorry for myself, jealous, and resentful of those who have what I want. Those are not joyful or attractive feelings. I've driven some people off and can't shake the ones I should have driven off (just the one really). How will I prepare for 40? How will I spend the next year? Will I wake up next December and feel like saying good bye to another year just for that ceremonial restart? I don't want to be that type of person but that has been the last year, nearly 2. I can talk about a solution-resolving to eat better, exercise regularly, try new social settings, but they all feel inauthentic.
Authentic? Walking the dog. Music (torch song sing a longs in the car), cooking.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Officially Sad
So last night was the awards dinner which went fast but sucked. (I need to insert the fact that I looked pretty awesome, hopefully Tets got some pictures). Noone on our teams made it-and we were totally ignored. So after dinner went for drinks with usual group plus JD, Sofie Gwen. I just don't get what's going on in company right now and what the options are for me to sell anything in the next year. Also it makes me doubt all that I've been doing, a few months of being distracted by divorce and my guilt gets me thinking I haven't been doing stuff right. So I can try and do stuff right, but the executives at work have just totally converted to total A holes...it's the total white man club, and they don't care what it feels like for everyone else because they are in charge. It's getting to the point that I am not sure how to make Dan and Tets think all is well. Whatever. I'm going to stay home for a few days and get my head together on work, and try and do some work from home on the more conceptual stuff. Hopefully that will help me find the ray of light.
So super cute guy is pretty awesome and that makes me officially sad. I don't want to go back to meeting idiots from the internet. His team went big on the awards and they were out celebrating, but he came to find me, I joined them there, big group so easy to have fun, Tets Dan and Ethan were there too. A little before 1 I decided to call it, and said goodnight, he said he was going to join me soon. But it took a long time, he kept txting and finally got away. it's a little tough when all your peeps want you to stay out all night and celebrate. When he got to my room he told me he's going to quit and work for the company that's stealing all our people. Which surprises me, doesn't seem to be all that from what I've heard, but he had it all figured out. He's going to work their Chicago area. So we laid around and talked and slept a little, he had to leave for the airport by 4 so had to leave my room by 3 to get ready.
If I wasn't at the airport now sitting at a gate in vegas I would be a total crying mess. I just want something like that around all the time, not in an instant relationship sort of way, but as an option to date and get to know. His raising the bar makes it seem event tougher to uncover that at home. He's going to do the bike ride with us in October, so I do look forward to kicking ass on the workouts until then and looking even more amazing by then. What's the BCS here? Long distance what? I know he likes me but it's in the context of this doesn't work logistically. FUCK.
So super cute guy is pretty awesome and that makes me officially sad. I don't want to go back to meeting idiots from the internet. His team went big on the awards and they were out celebrating, but he came to find me, I joined them there, big group so easy to have fun, Tets Dan and Ethan were there too. A little before 1 I decided to call it, and said goodnight, he said he was going to join me soon. But it took a long time, he kept txting and finally got away. it's a little tough when all your peeps want you to stay out all night and celebrate. When he got to my room he told me he's going to quit and work for the company that's stealing all our people. Which surprises me, doesn't seem to be all that from what I've heard, but he had it all figured out. He's going to work their Chicago area. So we laid around and talked and slept a little, he had to leave for the airport by 4 so had to leave my room by 3 to get ready.
If I wasn't at the airport now sitting at a gate in vegas I would be a total crying mess. I just want something like that around all the time, not in an instant relationship sort of way, but as an option to date and get to know. His raising the bar makes it seem event tougher to uncover that at home. He's going to do the bike ride with us in October, so I do look forward to kicking ass on the workouts until then and looking even more amazing by then. What's the BCS here? Long distance what? I know he likes me but it's in the context of this doesn't work logistically. FUCK.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Guess where I am
I'm at the airport. Admirals Club OC, trying to wake up with some iced coffee. I haven't been sleeping for shit lately. My back hurts, my mind is working on something, so for the last 2 nights I have gotten up around 130 and have been awake until after 3. When the alarm goes off I am usually sound asleep, but from 11-3 it's not good. I think I am going to take some preemptive tylenol on days when I ride the bike or go to spin.
Keith stayed at Nans last night, they made it to No Cal by lunch time, so he's all under control for now. Bella stayed late at school and I dropped her suitcase of at lindseys on my way to the airport.
I am still pretty obsessively checking my email. I sent my match profile to Dennis's girlfriend for some analysis and revisions, but I guess it's still too intense. I told Dennis to re write it for me, as long as he doesn't try to make me stupid or mention anal sex. I haven't been contacted by anyone from that site in weeks. I am emailing with the hot asian guy, who is really into mountain biking, but nothing is moving towards meeting. I am slightly concerned he may not be attracted to me in person, so we might as well move it to that point and see what happens. I shouldn't be worried about it, but some of his biking pics had some petite girls in the pics, and going with the familiarity rule, I would not be that type.
I am trying to think of what drives me to keep checking the email even though I know it doesn't result in anything. Obviously 99% of the time there is no new messages, and even when there is I sit on it for hours before responding. I feel like some of the correspondence is a reflection of me, or who I am projecting to be based on the response I am getting from the other person. It's a reflection I like, but it's weird, like I am liking the person I might be in there presence. I'm not quite getting that right, but it's a close description.
Anyway I am going to be on good behavior during these meetings, show up on time, keep my mouth shut and keep the drinking to a minimum. Hopefully I'll find some time to work out, if not I'm just going to practice switching around the eating. Today is a good example of doing it right, breakfast, shabu shabu for lunch. I've got about 700 calories left, so more than 1/2 done by the middle of the day.
Keith stayed at Nans last night, they made it to No Cal by lunch time, so he's all under control for now. Bella stayed late at school and I dropped her suitcase of at lindseys on my way to the airport.
I am still pretty obsessively checking my email. I sent my match profile to Dennis's girlfriend for some analysis and revisions, but I guess it's still too intense. I told Dennis to re write it for me, as long as he doesn't try to make me stupid or mention anal sex. I haven't been contacted by anyone from that site in weeks. I am emailing with the hot asian guy, who is really into mountain biking, but nothing is moving towards meeting. I am slightly concerned he may not be attracted to me in person, so we might as well move it to that point and see what happens. I shouldn't be worried about it, but some of his biking pics had some petite girls in the pics, and going with the familiarity rule, I would not be that type.
I am trying to think of what drives me to keep checking the email even though I know it doesn't result in anything. Obviously 99% of the time there is no new messages, and even when there is I sit on it for hours before responding. I feel like some of the correspondence is a reflection of me, or who I am projecting to be based on the response I am getting from the other person. It's a reflection I like, but it's weird, like I am liking the person I might be in there presence. I'm not quite getting that right, but it's a close description.
Anyway I am going to be on good behavior during these meetings, show up on time, keep my mouth shut and keep the drinking to a minimum. Hopefully I'll find some time to work out, if not I'm just going to practice switching around the eating. Today is a good example of doing it right, breakfast, shabu shabu for lunch. I've got about 700 calories left, so more than 1/2 done by the middle of the day.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
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