I'm not feeling well and I stayed up way to late. I took the boy to a show in LA and then waited up for him to get dropped off at home. My mind was not quiet but was not linear either. I'm in a state lacking motion. Looking forward to the girl being with her dad today. I need a break from the constant-ness of it.
I have nothing going on, so I have little to say. I often feel sorry for myself, jealous, and resentful of those who have what I want. Those are not joyful or attractive feelings. I've driven some people off and can't shake the ones I should have driven off (just the one really). How will I prepare for 40? How will I spend the next year? Will I wake up next December and feel like saying good bye to another year just for that ceremonial restart? I don't want to be that type of person but that has been the last year, nearly 2. I can talk about a solution-resolving to eat better, exercise regularly, try new social settings, but they all feel inauthentic.
Authentic? Walking the dog. Music (torch song sing a longs in the car), cooking.
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Monday, December 21, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Headache
Today is Sunday Dec 13th. I drove to LA with the dog to go to a craft show with Marie that was actually held on Dec 12th. So much on my mind I can't keep a social engagement in check. I'm OK with that, it happens. Marie's BF watched the dog who had a great time with their dog.
I have a headache from my head to my heels with tension. Keith is flipping out about not getting money, threatening to steal "Don't be surprised if you get a call from the cops", to which I replied "don't be surprised if I don't answer". What's going to work? What can I do to make a difference? Kids don't care about their parents feelings, I know this isn't about me, but what can I do to make him safe?
The more time I spend at home the less I want to leave it. Tomorrow is a short trip to San Jose then nothing until after the holidays. Feeling sad, not sure what it is. I'd like to catch a break. I know the blessings and I count them. I honor them, celebrate them. I'd like to leave a lot of 2009 in 2009. I remember feeling that way last New Years Eve as well. The piece of the puzzle that I am looking for is what is my part in this? What about me can I change to get a different result. I hope the answer is near by, to be found out on a walk with the dog. At the bottom of a pile of laundry I need to fold.
I have a headache from my head to my heels with tension. Keith is flipping out about not getting money, threatening to steal "Don't be surprised if you get a call from the cops", to which I replied "don't be surprised if I don't answer". What's going to work? What can I do to make a difference? Kids don't care about their parents feelings, I know this isn't about me, but what can I do to make him safe?
The more time I spend at home the less I want to leave it. Tomorrow is a short trip to San Jose then nothing until after the holidays. Feeling sad, not sure what it is. I'd like to catch a break. I know the blessings and I count them. I honor them, celebrate them. I'd like to leave a lot of 2009 in 2009. I remember feeling that way last New Years Eve as well. The piece of the puzzle that I am looking for is what is my part in this? What about me can I change to get a different result. I hope the answer is near by, to be found out on a walk with the dog. At the bottom of a pile of laundry I need to fold.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)