Do I really?

Do I really honor and celebrate my blessings? I am not sure the last time I soaked in a moment and enjoyed it. I have seen myself doing well, not getting wound up when the valet doesnt bring my car or other inconveniences of life that I used to get bent out of shape about. There is some strange filter on my feelings though, every thing is reactionary.

When I am away from home I sleep so well, I don't really miss being at home. I worry about the kids and the logistics but no generally not much more. I know there have been times of deep regret at being away but those are very temporary states. I think I have projected repellent in the last year +, an energy that is guarded or to protective. That's OK, I needed to protect myself and my focus, but now it's such a strange state.

I am home doing not much and totally fine with that, but that perpetuates the isolation and loneliness. Ive been working on reaching out to the available people in my life, just getting out in good ways. It's going to be a slow process. One more random issue. I would like to have sex-over a year. Crazy.

The issues with the boy have such an orbit and pull. It's important for me to keep a part of me anchored in my own life. Keep the hysterical mom out of the picture and keep the "I'll just take care of him" option out of reality. He said yesterday he wants to go to meetings to be "sober". I was shocked to hear him say the words like he's not sober. He seems to get drug use better than I do. I think-he's stoned sometimes and sober the rest-but not so. Also the language of abuse and rehab are part of everyone's reality now. Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears, everyone who's anyone goes, right?

Headache

Today is Sunday Dec 13th. I drove to LA with the dog to go to a craft show with Marie that was actually held on Dec 12th. So much on my mind I can't keep a social engagement in check. I'm OK with that, it happens. Marie's BF watched the dog who had a great time with their dog.

I have a headache from my head to my heels with tension. Keith is flipping out about not getting money, threatening to steal "Don't be surprised if you get a call from the cops", to which I replied "don't be surprised if I don't answer". What's going to work? What can I do to make a difference? Kids don't care about their parents feelings, I know this isn't about me, but what can I do to make him safe?

The more time I spend at home the less I want to leave it. Tomorrow is a short trip to San Jose then nothing until after the holidays. Feeling sad, not sure what it is. I'd like to catch a break. I know the blessings and I count them. I honor them, celebrate them. I'd like to leave a lot of 2009 in 2009. I remember feeling that way last New Years Eve as well. The piece of the puzzle that I am looking for is what is my part in this? What about me can I change to get a different result. I hope the answer is near by, to be found out on a walk with the dog. At the bottom of a pile of laundry I need to fold.

It's been a long time

I always end up back here when things aren't where I'd like them to be. I've been reading a few blogs more regularly and see their story has different components but feels similar to mine. So I should tell mine, and I should ask for help or support and I hope I'll get some.

This feels overwhelming at this moment, to put down all the crap on my mind. I'll run a few down quickly and then another in more detail.

1. Kid A (the boy) still a douche, still smoking pot, still doesn't give a fuck about being caught. Running out of options and must follow through on these threats of drug program or boarding school.

2. X is really a douche. Which is well known fact but I still deal with it pretty regularly and I still react in ways that drag out how our marriage was. So many incidents of late to rant on here, but none would be a surprise and none would reveal anything new.

3. Mom. This is the one I will detail. So she has used drugs for all of my life. Mostly pot and pain killers. Now she's in her 60's and has old knee and back injuries. She was to my knowledge working many doctors for many rx's and enjoying a solitary f'd up life, just like she always wanted. BUT it gets better, she is buying methadone from a local neighborhood vato and is oblivious to reality for the most part. Putting that down doesn't feel like anything. The reality is it has made be very sad for a 5 yr old girl who didn't have the people who where supposed to lover her taking care of her. It's made me realize some lies I've been believing about her for too long...she's doing the best she can, she's done better than her mother. Secretly holding out for her grand amends to me. Facing that this is who she is has somehow reflected on me, or my opinion of me. I thought I was holding up pretty well, but this makes me consider the damaged goods label.

I've cried a lot in the last week. I'd like for things to get better this year, I thought they would have turned out differently. They didn't. What can I make happen? No Fairy Tales, no Happy Endings, no help, no relief.

I fear I can't do it all. Can I teach Kid A before it's too late? Can I build a life for myself? Can I do well by Bella in the midst of this? WTF is going on with me? Really!

There are so many stray threads here for me. Many relationships I have repeat the one with my Mom. Unavailable people, people who are available I'm not really interested in. My son dipping his toe in the same pool. It's a relentless future.

Teen Agers Suck

We are more than a week into the Pot thing turning everything upside down. We spent a week in the house together, which is truly excruciating. Now he has his phone and internet privileges back and I have been letting him out a few hours at a time.

We saw a counselor who specializes in drug use. I think she mostly gets court ordered clients. She was hard on him and made me see some flaws in my logic or actions. Even now I don't know why I let him out at all. Today he went w his Dad for a few hours and was miserable about it. My first reaction was to make it easier for him and get him out of it. Didn't do that, but seeing I need to think about decisions before I make them. My inclination to accommodate isn't helping. I feel like Keith can't handle stress of any kind and up until now I've mad that easy, getting it out of his way, or relaxing expectations. Now when I can't do that, he's using Pot to alleviate the stress. It was shocking to me how many things Nan has done that I have laughed at in the past-like getting Martin a dog-came to mind for me. That was an eye opener.

It's been a really tough couple of weeks. So much screaming and yelling, so many ways for a 14 yr old to throw a tantrum, but no drug use, so that is really the thing to remember. School starts in a few days, really really really looking forward to structure.

Take a ways, repeating the past is insidious and you have to do things deliberately to avoid it. Kids say crap they don't mean. Don't let their words hurt you.

Something shamefull this way comes

There is something going on with my son that makes me feel sick and ashamed and as I struggle with it I do #1 problem solving first step-I google it. However on this topic I find nothing helpful. It's one of the few times I honestly wonder how many other people are struggling with the same issue, where are they and where can we get help?

My son is 14 and he smokes pot. I don't allow it, I punish it, I drug test him, but he smokes pot. I am really emotional about this issue and am shaking as I type this. My family has a long history with substance abuse, and this is a pandora's box. I found out today he has cheated the drug tests. Obviously my punishment strategy isn't working, but I can't stop fighting. My body is telling me to fight harder, I see images of a leash, of me sitting on him, anything to stop the cycle he's initiating.

I've read enough to know that rehab is not the place for him, he'd meet lots of people doing worse things than him and learn a lot of ways to end up worse off. Rehab and drug related counseling are an industry, a machine, and no one can stop the momentum of a child who says-I like it-I like the way it makes me feel. I feel happy when I do it, why would I stop?-which is the horrifying gist of our last conversation on the topic.

So my options seem to be-

Private School-Expensive to the point of crippling me financially
Moving-What about their Dad? What about childcare?

I took him to the Dr. who have him the weakest speech ever.

So that's it I guess. Anyone have any advice?