Do I really honor and celebrate my blessings? I am not sure the last time I soaked in a moment and enjoyed it. I have seen myself doing well, not getting wound up when the valet doesnt bring my car or other inconveniences of life that I used to get bent out of shape about. There is some strange filter on my feelings though, every thing is reactionary.
When I am away from home I sleep so well, I don't really miss being at home. I worry about the kids and the logistics but no generally not much more. I know there have been times of deep regret at being away but those are very temporary states. I think I have projected repellent in the last year +, an energy that is guarded or to protective. That's OK, I needed to protect myself and my focus, but now it's such a strange state.
I am home doing not much and totally fine with that, but that perpetuates the isolation and loneliness. Ive been working on reaching out to the available people in my life, just getting out in good ways. It's going to be a slow process. One more random issue. I would like to have sex-over a year. Crazy.
The issues with the boy have such an orbit and pull. It's important for me to keep a part of me anchored in my own life. Keep the hysterical mom out of the picture and keep the "I'll just take care of him" option out of reality. He said yesterday he wants to go to meetings to be "sober". I was shocked to hear him say the words like he's not sober. He seems to get drug use better than I do. I think-he's stoned sometimes and sober the rest-but not so. Also the language of abuse and rehab are part of everyone's reality now. Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears, everyone who's anyone goes, right?
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