Do I really?

Do I really honor and celebrate my blessings? I am not sure the last time I soaked in a moment and enjoyed it. I have seen myself doing well, not getting wound up when the valet doesnt bring my car or other inconveniences of life that I used to get bent out of shape about. There is some strange filter on my feelings though, every thing is reactionary.

When I am away from home I sleep so well, I don't really miss being at home. I worry about the kids and the logistics but no generally not much more. I know there have been times of deep regret at being away but those are very temporary states. I think I have projected repellent in the last year +, an energy that is guarded or to protective. That's OK, I needed to protect myself and my focus, but now it's such a strange state.

I am home doing not much and totally fine with that, but that perpetuates the isolation and loneliness. Ive been working on reaching out to the available people in my life, just getting out in good ways. It's going to be a slow process. One more random issue. I would like to have sex-over a year. Crazy.

The issues with the boy have such an orbit and pull. It's important for me to keep a part of me anchored in my own life. Keep the hysterical mom out of the picture and keep the "I'll just take care of him" option out of reality. He said yesterday he wants to go to meetings to be "sober". I was shocked to hear him say the words like he's not sober. He seems to get drug use better than I do. I think-he's stoned sometimes and sober the rest-but not so. Also the language of abuse and rehab are part of everyone's reality now. Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears, everyone who's anyone goes, right?

Officially Sad

So last night was the awards dinner which went fast but sucked. (I need to insert the fact that I looked pretty awesome, hopefully Tets got some pictures). Noone on our teams made it-and we were totally ignored. So after dinner went for drinks with usual group plus JD, Sofie Gwen. I just don't get what's going on in company right now and what the options are for me to sell anything in the next year. Also it makes me doubt all that I've been doing, a few months of being distracted by divorce and my guilt gets me thinking I haven't been doing stuff right. So I can try and do stuff right, but the executives at work have just totally converted to total A holes...it's the total white man club, and they don't care what it feels like for everyone else because they are in charge. It's getting to the point that I am not sure how to make Dan and Tets think all is well. Whatever. I'm going to stay home for a few days and get my head together on work, and try and do some work from home on the more conceptual stuff. Hopefully that will help me find the ray of light.

So super cute guy is pretty awesome and that makes me officially sad. I don't want to go back to meeting idiots from the internet. His team went big on the awards and they were out celebrating, but he came to find me, I joined them there, big group so easy to have fun, Tets Dan and Ethan were there too. A little before 1 I decided to call it, and said goodnight, he said he was going to join me soon. But it took a long time, he kept txting and finally got away. it's a little tough when all your peeps want you to stay out all night and celebrate. When he got to my room he told me he's going to quit and work for the company that's stealing all our people. Which surprises me, doesn't seem to be all that from what I've heard, but he had it all figured out. He's going to work their Chicago area. So we laid around and talked and slept a little, he had to leave for the airport by 4 so had to leave my room by 3 to get ready.

If I wasn't at the airport now sitting at a gate in vegas I would be a total crying mess. I just want something like that around all the time, not in an instant relationship sort of way, but as an option to date and get to know. His raising the bar makes it seem event tougher to uncover that at home. He's going to do the bike ride with us in October, so I do look forward to kicking ass on the workouts until then and looking even more amazing by then. What's the BCS here? Long distance what? I know he likes me but it's in the context of this doesn't work logistically. FUCK.

Round II

The sales meeting content is done, now we have a few hours, then awards dinner which will be at total bust.
Last night I turned in early, my eyes have been totally bugging me. FYI don't get toothpaste on your contacts. And of course me feet were killing me. So the super cute one was checking on me after I left and we went for round II which was better than round I. I saw myself not opening up to him, I guess I have had a one night stand or 2 and don't want to put myself out there and have the movie of it playing back in my head when I never hear from the guy again. I see that is probably one of the reasons your supposed to get to know someone before you sleep with them....but it always seems to go in reverse order for me. Anyway we'll see, we went shopping today and talked a bit more. If there's a round III I'll relax a little. It makes me sad a little because he's awesome and would be awesome to hang out with but I get to go home and start all over....wrong attitude I guess, but it feels a little melancholy. Also I think some of the closed up stuff comes from not being able to share anything with Lindsey ever....not since work husband have I had that in a male, sexual way. So now more shopping the amazing shoes I bought are too good for the dress I brought, so new dress required.

Descretion required

Its the end of day 2 of our sales meeting, it's such a stereo typical event, like the paper convention on the office, the party suite all of that. I am not sure if it makes me gay to love my job and to generally like the people here and around me, I don't think it is really. You have to like it to make all parts of your life work.

so word is out that I am not married any more, and it is a different experience I had a guy who's a VP at a partner company txt me his room number (!). Another also recently divorced colleague put the moves on, and a 3rd who I really was at least attracted to, possibly like, and I took him up on it. So no naming names here any more, just in case, but it was pretty cool, not just the sex but he's super hot, doesn't really know it, and we have a lot in common. He doesn't live anywhere near me, but if I met a guy like this online, I'd hang up my password. So we've been emailing all day, fun cute, not too racy, I am totally up for a repeat, but will try and play it cool. and by cool I mean not get too drunk and drag him upstairs with me. Anything less than that is a total option.