So, no one called for any reason. That's that. No call from high energy sober guy, no call from MB. It should be a reminder not to worry or get wrapped up in anything that isn't happening right now. Because that's a lot of energy and it didn't even exist really.
MB emailed me today that someone was asking him about us in Chicago. I don't understand the purpose of that correspondence. Does he just want to talk to me? What does he expect me to say? I asked him how he responded and how he thought he knew. Said he didn't respond and asked me if I told our mutual irish friend. No, he's like my dad or pervy uncle. I told him I hoped it didn't make him uncomfortable or cause problems @ work. He said it didn't. That whole correspondence made me insecure....I prefer phone conversations to some degree. One side is he wanted a reason to communicate w me, but whatevs. Boys are super dumb. I also found him on FB (more fb induced pain) and sent a friend request with a note that I was very grateful he's a democrat. Made me wonder if the email today was a diversionary tactic to avoid me on FB, also wondered what the other guy might now about SCG and what he would say to MB. I don't really care, but if someone else does they should just call me. The perils of sleeping with strangers.
I just wish someone would step up to the plate a bit. I am so ready to take charge but always holding back. If I do to much I'll never know what they are willing to do.
Been txting for 2 days w a match guy. Why doesn't he just ask to meet for a drink or something? Lots of investment, may not go anywhere. Boys are super dumb.
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
And then I went a little crazy for a pretty stupid reason
Bella won a reading contest in her class and went out to dinner with her teacher and 2 other kids. One of which is the daughter of the crazy mom that I love. So I went out to dinner with crazy mom, which makes me feel happy because I have officially made a friend. I picked Keith up from a friends, he asked me if he could go before he went, and agreed on a reasonable pick up time!
I was home doing whatever and get an email from MB, the guy from Chicago. We went back and forth for an hour or so and then he says he's going to be in San Diego next week do I want to see him. Umm, yes please. So you know how my mind works in these cases. I started asking about logistics, which day, what time, any other old work people there. I went to bed before the answers and then I woke up a few hours latter and couldn't sleep for a few hours. A lot of anxiety about the whole thing. I am playing out what the rejection is going to feel like when he doesn't show up, when he cancels, when he is late. I am living with the negative, creating the negative, all kinds of crazy. I am also letting that bleed into everyone I meet. I have the other date tonight, like its not the same energy? I isolate or compartmentalize the humiliation and hurt from SCG, and even GF before that and my body feels like it's reacting to the risk. I can remember so clearly the feeling when I was in Austin to see SCG and I'm leaving from the airport feeling WCS creeping in. And then it was.
I think it's more about the fact that I ignored my gut and the signs in the old situations, but now my gut is confused and sending signals before signs. How to I realign it? I never want to stop taking risks, but risks with the anticipation of failure is just failure.
Mid day update
Unlikely to happen, he emailed this AM and said schedule is falling apart. I get that, I know how those things go, but feels self fulfilled, embarrassing. Some progress though, he told me in advance vs no call no show. All of it is also self contained, he has no idea the reaction, played it cool. Slightly disappointed in Marie however. Txt'd her last night with something obviously requiring feedback, and then called this AM and nothing in return.
Another update
I went and talked to Stevie Nicks and she said the anxiety was really the gut going off about doing more than my share. Driving to see him and making all those plans feels like something OK to do, but her point was he should do more.
I was home doing whatever and get an email from MB, the guy from Chicago. We went back and forth for an hour or so and then he says he's going to be in San Diego next week do I want to see him. Umm, yes please. So you know how my mind works in these cases. I started asking about logistics, which day, what time, any other old work people there. I went to bed before the answers and then I woke up a few hours latter and couldn't sleep for a few hours. A lot of anxiety about the whole thing. I am playing out what the rejection is going to feel like when he doesn't show up, when he cancels, when he is late. I am living with the negative, creating the negative, all kinds of crazy. I am also letting that bleed into everyone I meet. I have the other date tonight, like its not the same energy? I isolate or compartmentalize the humiliation and hurt from SCG, and even GF before that and my body feels like it's reacting to the risk. I can remember so clearly the feeling when I was in Austin to see SCG and I'm leaving from the airport feeling WCS creeping in. And then it was.
I think it's more about the fact that I ignored my gut and the signs in the old situations, but now my gut is confused and sending signals before signs. How to I realign it? I never want to stop taking risks, but risks with the anticipation of failure is just failure.
Mid day update
Unlikely to happen, he emailed this AM and said schedule is falling apart. I get that, I know how those things go, but feels self fulfilled, embarrassing. Some progress though, he told me in advance vs no call no show. All of it is also self contained, he has no idea the reaction, played it cool. Slightly disappointed in Marie however. Txt'd her last night with something obviously requiring feedback, and then called this AM and nothing in return.
Another update
I went and talked to Stevie Nicks and she said the anxiety was really the gut going off about doing more than my share. Driving to see him and making all those plans feels like something OK to do, but her point was he should do more.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Working a Plan
So I was thinking on the flight home how the internet thing makes me feel, especially in light of meeting someone of quality, so I'm turning in the passwords for a while. I think I'll try to go until Nov. and just focus on myself, training, kids, work, meeting people in other ways and see if that works. I need to value my time more, I need to have the real feeling inside that I can wait and never settle. I guarantee this blogs going to get more complaint oriented....Why don't men like me, I'll never have sex again, etc. But I'm going to use it to avoid the other sites. Oh! I could even block them, like when keith gets in trouble and I block myspace.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Round II
The sales meeting content is done, now we have a few hours, then awards dinner which will be at total bust.
Last night I turned in early, my eyes have been totally bugging me. FYI don't get toothpaste on your contacts. And of course me feet were killing me. So the super cute one was checking on me after I left and we went for round II which was better than round I. I saw myself not opening up to him, I guess I have had a one night stand or 2 and don't want to put myself out there and have the movie of it playing back in my head when I never hear from the guy again. I see that is probably one of the reasons your supposed to get to know someone before you sleep with them....but it always seems to go in reverse order for me. Anyway we'll see, we went shopping today and talked a bit more. If there's a round III I'll relax a little. It makes me sad a little because he's awesome and would be awesome to hang out with but I get to go home and start all over....wrong attitude I guess, but it feels a little melancholy. Also I think some of the closed up stuff comes from not being able to share anything with Lindsey ever....not since work husband have I had that in a male, sexual way. So now more shopping the amazing shoes I bought are too good for the dress I brought, so new dress required.
Last night I turned in early, my eyes have been totally bugging me. FYI don't get toothpaste on your contacts. And of course me feet were killing me. So the super cute one was checking on me after I left and we went for round II which was better than round I. I saw myself not opening up to him, I guess I have had a one night stand or 2 and don't want to put myself out there and have the movie of it playing back in my head when I never hear from the guy again. I see that is probably one of the reasons your supposed to get to know someone before you sleep with them....but it always seems to go in reverse order for me. Anyway we'll see, we went shopping today and talked a bit more. If there's a round III I'll relax a little. It makes me sad a little because he's awesome and would be awesome to hang out with but I get to go home and start all over....wrong attitude I guess, but it feels a little melancholy. Also I think some of the closed up stuff comes from not being able to share anything with Lindsey ever....not since work husband have I had that in a male, sexual way. So now more shopping the amazing shoes I bought are too good for the dress I brought, so new dress required.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Guess where I am
I'm at the airport. Admirals Club OC, trying to wake up with some iced coffee. I haven't been sleeping for shit lately. My back hurts, my mind is working on something, so for the last 2 nights I have gotten up around 130 and have been awake until after 3. When the alarm goes off I am usually sound asleep, but from 11-3 it's not good. I think I am going to take some preemptive tylenol on days when I ride the bike or go to spin.
Keith stayed at Nans last night, they made it to No Cal by lunch time, so he's all under control for now. Bella stayed late at school and I dropped her suitcase of at lindseys on my way to the airport.
I am still pretty obsessively checking my email. I sent my match profile to Dennis's girlfriend for some analysis and revisions, but I guess it's still too intense. I told Dennis to re write it for me, as long as he doesn't try to make me stupid or mention anal sex. I haven't been contacted by anyone from that site in weeks. I am emailing with the hot asian guy, who is really into mountain biking, but nothing is moving towards meeting. I am slightly concerned he may not be attracted to me in person, so we might as well move it to that point and see what happens. I shouldn't be worried about it, but some of his biking pics had some petite girls in the pics, and going with the familiarity rule, I would not be that type.
I am trying to think of what drives me to keep checking the email even though I know it doesn't result in anything. Obviously 99% of the time there is no new messages, and even when there is I sit on it for hours before responding. I feel like some of the correspondence is a reflection of me, or who I am projecting to be based on the response I am getting from the other person. It's a reflection I like, but it's weird, like I am liking the person I might be in there presence. I'm not quite getting that right, but it's a close description.
Anyway I am going to be on good behavior during these meetings, show up on time, keep my mouth shut and keep the drinking to a minimum. Hopefully I'll find some time to work out, if not I'm just going to practice switching around the eating. Today is a good example of doing it right, breakfast, shabu shabu for lunch. I've got about 700 calories left, so more than 1/2 done by the middle of the day.
Keith stayed at Nans last night, they made it to No Cal by lunch time, so he's all under control for now. Bella stayed late at school and I dropped her suitcase of at lindseys on my way to the airport.
I am still pretty obsessively checking my email. I sent my match profile to Dennis's girlfriend for some analysis and revisions, but I guess it's still too intense. I told Dennis to re write it for me, as long as he doesn't try to make me stupid or mention anal sex. I haven't been contacted by anyone from that site in weeks. I am emailing with the hot asian guy, who is really into mountain biking, but nothing is moving towards meeting. I am slightly concerned he may not be attracted to me in person, so we might as well move it to that point and see what happens. I shouldn't be worried about it, but some of his biking pics had some petite girls in the pics, and going with the familiarity rule, I would not be that type.
I am trying to think of what drives me to keep checking the email even though I know it doesn't result in anything. Obviously 99% of the time there is no new messages, and even when there is I sit on it for hours before responding. I feel like some of the correspondence is a reflection of me, or who I am projecting to be based on the response I am getting from the other person. It's a reflection I like, but it's weird, like I am liking the person I might be in there presence. I'm not quite getting that right, but it's a close description.
Anyway I am going to be on good behavior during these meetings, show up on time, keep my mouth shut and keep the drinking to a minimum. Hopefully I'll find some time to work out, if not I'm just going to practice switching around the eating. Today is a good example of doing it right, breakfast, shabu shabu for lunch. I've got about 700 calories left, so more than 1/2 done by the middle of the day.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
No big woop
First of all someone read my blog! A stranger! I think I flagged something Japan, and she must of done a blog search. Crazy! Made me want to have other people read it, but of course selectively, strangers only. Knife licker emailed me and I told him there wasn't a connection, good luck and good bye. I am relieved! So weird how every interaction is some how a step in the right direction, exercising discretion, not settling, saying no and walking. Seems so simple but I had no idea how to do that in the past.
I went to Yoga today which is just what my body was asking for 24hr fitness yoga kinda sucks but I over spent last this month, so don't need to be spending $15 for above average yoga right now. The instructor was a tiny cute Asian girl. I though she might be japanese, but as soon as she started talking it was like that episode of Seinfeld where they go to the nail shop, she was tough to understand, like a cartoon Chinese person. Anyway my legs and back are much happier now than they were this morning. Tomorrow is Spin and Bike ride...I asked Maleah about training me and she said yes. So I'm going to have to prepare to get my ass kicked. She's all about changing the eating habits too, so that's gonna be tough, but also get some great results. It's amazing that this is finally going to happen. I am really going to get completely fit. After all these years, I am doing it.
I went with Tets and Takemura and Mac to Stray Cats last night. Really good seats, Tets was in heaven. Said he thought they only existed in the TV. They were such a big deal in Japan, I am sure that has something to do with the current state of his hair :). I guess Lindsey was there last night too, which is funny, I originally didn't want to go because I thought he'd be there, and said Fuck It, done accommodating him. Something else that makes me feel like there's progress, I went, nothing to hide, no drama, and he can see it for himself.
I bought 2 tickets to foo fighters in LV in Sept. Not sure why I went through with it. Will need someone to go with, and will have to go to Vegas. Maybe I'll have a date worthy guy around by then. Can't take Keith, 21 and over only.
So that's it....2 possible internet guys left. 1 Asian guy who's pretty racy in his profile on Chemistry and one kinda middle eastern looking guy who I contacted who's been good in the communication. I shut off Yahoo...Chemistry and Match are gonna come up for renewal any day. I guess I'll kill Match and just go with the flow on Chemistry. Good practice, and nothing else is happening (yet).
I went to Yoga today which is just what my body was asking for 24hr fitness yoga kinda sucks but I over spent last this month, so don't need to be spending $15 for above average yoga right now. The instructor was a tiny cute Asian girl. I though she might be japanese, but as soon as she started talking it was like that episode of Seinfeld where they go to the nail shop, she was tough to understand, like a cartoon Chinese person. Anyway my legs and back are much happier now than they were this morning. Tomorrow is Spin and Bike ride...I asked Maleah about training me and she said yes. So I'm going to have to prepare to get my ass kicked. She's all about changing the eating habits too, so that's gonna be tough, but also get some great results. It's amazing that this is finally going to happen. I am really going to get completely fit. After all these years, I am doing it.
I went with Tets and Takemura and Mac to Stray Cats last night. Really good seats, Tets was in heaven. Said he thought they only existed in the TV. They were such a big deal in Japan, I am sure that has something to do with the current state of his hair :). I guess Lindsey was there last night too, which is funny, I originally didn't want to go because I thought he'd be there, and said Fuck It, done accommodating him. Something else that makes me feel like there's progress, I went, nothing to hide, no drama, and he can see it for himself.
I bought 2 tickets to foo fighters in LV in Sept. Not sure why I went through with it. Will need someone to go with, and will have to go to Vegas. Maybe I'll have a date worthy guy around by then. Can't take Keith, 21 and over only.
So that's it....2 possible internet guys left. 1 Asian guy who's pretty racy in his profile on Chemistry and one kinda middle eastern looking guy who I contacted who's been good in the communication. I shut off Yahoo...Chemistry and Match are gonna come up for renewal any day. I guess I'll kill Match and just go with the flow on Chemistry. Good practice, and nothing else is happening (yet).
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