Strung Out

As usual I don't know what to say or where to start. I let Keith out of the house for a few hours yesterday and he smoked pot. I confronted him, he lied, I ended up flipping out on him.

I guess that sums it up. Nearly 6 weeks down the drain.

I am not all that surprised, really hurt by the lying. Really over it.

I don't want my life to be this way. I don't want to live with someone who will fight me at every opportunity. I don't want to be alone and friendless..

I know everyone feels this way sometimes. I know all feelings are temporary but I need some fucking relief.

boys are super dumb

So, no one called for any reason. That's that. No call from high energy sober guy, no call from MB. It should be a reminder not to worry or get wrapped up in anything that isn't happening right now. Because that's a lot of energy and it didn't even exist really.

MB emailed me today that someone was asking him about us in Chicago. I don't understand the purpose of that correspondence. Does he just want to talk to me? What does he expect me to say? I asked him how he responded and how he thought he knew. Said he didn't respond and asked me if I told our mutual irish friend. No, he's like my dad or pervy uncle. I told him I hoped it didn't make him uncomfortable or cause problems @ work. He said it didn't. That whole correspondence made me insecure....I prefer phone conversations to some degree. One side is he wanted a reason to communicate w me, but whatevs. Boys are super dumb. I also found him on FB (more fb induced pain) and sent a friend request with a note that I was very grateful he's a democrat. Made me wonder if the email today was a diversionary tactic to avoid me on FB, also wondered what the other guy might now about SCG and what he would say to MB. I don't really care, but if someone else does they should just call me. The perils of sleeping with strangers.

I just wish someone would step up to the plate a bit. I am so ready to take charge but always holding back. If I do to much I'll never know what they are willing to do.
Been txting for 2 days w a match guy. Why doesn't he just ask to meet for a drink or something? Lots of investment, may not go anywhere. Boys are super dumb.

Stuck

I'm not feeling well and I stayed up way to late. I took the boy to a show in LA and then waited up for him to get dropped off at home. My mind was not quiet but was not linear either. I'm in a state lacking motion. Looking forward to the girl being with her dad today. I need a break from the constant-ness of it.

I have nothing going on, so I have little to say. I often feel sorry for myself, jealous, and resentful of those who have what I want. Those are not joyful or attractive feelings. I've driven some people off and can't shake the ones I should have driven off (just the one really). How will I prepare for 40? How will I spend the next year? Will I wake up next December and feel like saying good bye to another year just for that ceremonial restart? I don't want to be that type of person but that has been the last year, nearly 2. I can talk about a solution-resolving to eat better, exercise regularly, try new social settings, but they all feel inauthentic.

Authentic? Walking the dog. Music (torch song sing a longs in the car), cooking.

More Tuesday

Another gratuitous Will Ferrel pic to keep my spirits up.

WTF is with kids? I got keith already to go up north with nan and ed. Ed wanted him to take his fin, skateboard and gear. Came home to get it together, can't find helmet, can't find skateboard (!). I called him and he said, after much prodding he left the skateboard in the bushes at the corner the other day when he didn't want to ride it home from Christians. That is BS, he left it there so if he sneaks out he can have it with out making noise. Doood, since when can you treat your stuff that your mom buys you like total garbage. I am honestly hurt buy things like that everytime they happen. Then I regain my resolve and keep my guard up and just get pissed. Fucking teenagers. Does he think I'll ever let him drive a car if he hided is current modes of transport in bushes? Fuck that.

Anyway I am all worked up about that. I drove around like an idiot this afternoon, I thought I had an appointment with the counselor, but no that would be tomorrow, which I cannot make, so I had to reschedule for next week. I was hoping to unload a bunch of shit there today too, but I can manage another week. Drove to get sarah's graduation gift, get keith a decent shirt to wear to it and ate with the kids (who were pretty shitty during the whole thing-FYI). Came home, packed for him, got stuff out of the car, new stuff in the car, gassed up the car, drove over there, switched cars with nan, came home for skateboard incident.

also went to the gym today...there was an earthquake while I was there. The watch is pretty cool tracks all calories and heart rate. I still have to figure out how to eat more in the first 1/2 of the day. I was negative calories after spin. One of the things the instructor does which totally works on me is tells you to imagine your obstacles and beat them up a hill. I totally was imaging this idea that I am lonely riding next to me, me getting a head, it catches up and finally I leave it behind. Sounds so new age and lame but it always works on me, leaving me with the feeling that I can beat anything.

so now I have to pack for myself and get ready for 4 days in vegas. I can't even figure out what to wear tomorrow on the plane, how will I figure out what to pack?