Sunday=Procrastinate

I'm supposed to be studying Japanese right now, but am doing a good job of not doing it. I've got to sit with Tets for a few hours when we're in Japan and get some of this stuff committed to memory.
I need more homework and more deadlines to take it seriously. Sad but true.
I was reading Keiths Myspace messages. We really dodged a bullet, he was smoking pot and loosing friends, Alex was avoiding him, girls were judging him. Such a hard corner to turn, and I am just filled with pride and love that he did it. I got drunk once or twice at that age, sneaking liquor from a friends parents, but didn't smoke anything until sophomore year and all of that was pretty occasional, nothing on the regular. I wish I could just be home waiting for him to get home all the time, but it's just not possible, never would be.
So still off the internet dating! Yay me! Pretty much cold turkey for 1 week (not so long now that I type it out, long way to go to make it to the 90 day mark). I read the emails the sites send me and check out the pics, which just reinforces the desire to stay away from it. Some emails with super cute guy yesterday. Kind of a great place, I was asking for help to be where I am and the emails showed up. Very pragmatic but can't deny the hopefulness. I was feeling very lucky yesterday, gym and lunch w girl friends, falling right in my lap, stuff at home to keep me busy, a little sign that someone great might think I am too.

Nuthin

Saturday morning! First one home in a month! Slept in, hanging out with Bella, gonna meet Jenn and Evelyn at the gym. My back still hurts a little and I ate too much yesterday and don't know what I want to do before the gym. Eat? Protein Shake? I think I'll go out to eat after so not sure.

Last night was a little tough reading a book where everyone's falling in love and loving not being alone, and those magic minutes between awake or asleep are where it all gets messy and I'm not tough or strong. But this AM I am tough and strong, not bad to have an instant restart :)

I have a lot to do to get Keith ready for his trip and I'm trying to get some work done as well this week even though I'm taking a few days off. It'll happen. I wish I had someone to go on a tough bike ride with this weekend, I definitely work harder if someone else is around, but I am kinda looking forward to putting myself on Newport Coast alone. We'll see!

Today

It's Tuesday, the boys came over for dinner. First I just invited Mark, but then I thought Keith would think it was my boyfriend, so I invited Ethan, and then I wanted Tets to come, so it was the 4 of us. BBQ'd some fish, rice, salad, broccoli and a bottle of wine, desert-strawberries and angel food cake. Now it's almost bed time. I'm listening to Bella sing along to Miley Cirus. I'm going to have to record that tomorrow...it's too awesome to let it fade as memory only.

Asian guy's email again. Don't care. Other normal internet guy emailed after about 2 weeks which seems weird, like who has 2 weeks to wait around, but whatever. Don't care. Had an email from super cute guy, totally cared, it was short and sweet. I emailed him a pic of Tets and Ethan that he wanted, and sent a group email about the bike ride out. That's it. Part of me wants him to get to know me, wants him to read this. Wants all of that to boil up, but part of me is not motivated to make it happen, which is the part I am going with. Mark asked me if we were boyfriend and girlfriend. too funny. Anyway this is the part were my mind and my skills want to run with something, just for the sake of making it happen. But I can't, which feels like progress.

So best work out ever today. Spin was awesome. Working hard, and she came around off the bike and looked at me "What are you working for" "Make it happen, work harder, get it"I am amazed how that stuff works on me but it does, I almost started crying. Hearing myself inside saying I am working for ME and I am worth it, and I will do it, is amazing and powerful. and new. Never before was I able to hear myself love myself or achieve for my sake. Always for someone else. It's on!

Tets is leaving tomorrow AM for 1 month! I'll see him in 2 weeks, but so crazy. I gotta bust my ass while he's gone so I can show off ;-).

More Tuesday

Another gratuitous Will Ferrel pic to keep my spirits up.

WTF is with kids? I got keith already to go up north with nan and ed. Ed wanted him to take his fin, skateboard and gear. Came home to get it together, can't find helmet, can't find skateboard (!). I called him and he said, after much prodding he left the skateboard in the bushes at the corner the other day when he didn't want to ride it home from Christians. That is BS, he left it there so if he sneaks out he can have it with out making noise. Doood, since when can you treat your stuff that your mom buys you like total garbage. I am honestly hurt buy things like that everytime they happen. Then I regain my resolve and keep my guard up and just get pissed. Fucking teenagers. Does he think I'll ever let him drive a car if he hided is current modes of transport in bushes? Fuck that.

Anyway I am all worked up about that. I drove around like an idiot this afternoon, I thought I had an appointment with the counselor, but no that would be tomorrow, which I cannot make, so I had to reschedule for next week. I was hoping to unload a bunch of shit there today too, but I can manage another week. Drove to get sarah's graduation gift, get keith a decent shirt to wear to it and ate with the kids (who were pretty shitty during the whole thing-FYI). Came home, packed for him, got stuff out of the car, new stuff in the car, gassed up the car, drove over there, switched cars with nan, came home for skateboard incident.

also went to the gym today...there was an earthquake while I was there. The watch is pretty cool tracks all calories and heart rate. I still have to figure out how to eat more in the first 1/2 of the day. I was negative calories after spin. One of the things the instructor does which totally works on me is tells you to imagine your obstacles and beat them up a hill. I totally was imaging this idea that I am lonely riding next to me, me getting a head, it catches up and finally I leave it behind. Sounds so new age and lame but it always works on me, leaving me with the feeling that I can beat anything.

so now I have to pack for myself and get ready for 4 days in vegas. I can't even figure out what to wear tomorrow on the plane, how will I figure out what to pack?