Calgon Take Me Away

I need some non alcohol, non carbohydrate related stress relief. It's tough to organize my day or time to be able to exercise as stress relief. I can walk the dog, but getting my sweat on is tough to schedule. Jogging has negative side effects for days (too fat to jog), achy hips, knees, feet. Not making excuses, it just is what it is. I also have to work everyday, at least a little.

Keith was asking when he'd get some freedom back, wants to have a social life this summer. I think it will be another month before we know what the story is with his charges, school starts in 3 weeks. I am stressed just thinking about how to keep him home on Fridays and weekends once school starts. He cannot control himself around smoking/drinking other dangerous behavior and the bottom line is that will land him directly in jail. I don't know how to get that through to him. I've told him he should get a job, but he's not making any moves towards that.

I really do want to eat and drink non stop after 4 PM. I am thinking about asking my Dr for Xanax or something similar. Calorie free at least. I don't want to dull my instincts though. They haven't let me down with Keith yet.

I always feel super needy when I write stuff like what I am about to write, but it really amazes me how much of this is on my own. Nan and Martin are a HUGE help. Lindsey can only react, can't do or initiate anything. No one else really is around. I expect too much from Marie. She's my friend, not my life partner, but it's a disappointing conversation every time she says I should have Lindsey more involved or someone should beat some sense into Keith. It seems that we are past that. What good would that do?

I am a totally lacking patience and get bitchy too fast with Bella. Even when she's been with her dad all of Sunday, most of Monday and with Nan for hours today. I just shut down some how as soon as Keith is gone (like w Nan or Martin) and don't have much left for her. Shitty.

And then I went a little crazy for a pretty stupid reason

Bella won a reading contest in her class and went out to dinner with her teacher and 2 other kids. One of which is the daughter of the crazy mom that I love. So I went out to dinner with crazy mom, which makes me feel happy because I have officially made a friend. I picked Keith up from a friends, he asked me if he could go before he went, and agreed on a reasonable pick up time!

I was home doing whatever and get an email from MB, the guy from Chicago. We went back and forth for an hour or so and then he says he's going to be in San Diego next week do I want to see him. Umm, yes please. So you know how my mind works in these cases. I started asking about logistics, which day, what time, any other old work people there. I went to bed before the answers and then I woke up a few hours latter and couldn't sleep for a few hours. A lot of anxiety about the whole thing. I am playing out what the rejection is going to feel like when he doesn't show up, when he cancels, when he is late. I am living with the negative, creating the negative, all kinds of crazy. I am also letting that bleed into everyone I meet. I have the other date tonight, like its not the same energy? I isolate or compartmentalize the humiliation and hurt from SCG, and even GF before that and my body feels like it's reacting to the risk. I can remember so clearly the feeling when I was in Austin to see SCG and I'm leaving from the airport feeling WCS creeping in. And then it was.

I think it's more about the fact that I ignored my gut and the signs in the old situations, but now my gut is confused and sending signals before signs. How to I realign it? I never want to stop taking risks, but risks with the anticipation of failure is just failure.

Mid day update
Unlikely to happen, he emailed this AM and said schedule is falling apart. I get that, I know how those things go, but feels self fulfilled, embarrassing. Some progress though, he told me in advance vs no call no show. All of it is also self contained, he has no idea the reaction, played it cool. Slightly disappointed in Marie however. Txt'd her last night with something obviously requiring feedback, and then called this AM and nothing in return.
Another update
I went and talked to Stevie Nicks and she said the anxiety was really the gut going off about doing more than my share. Driving to see him and making all those plans feels like something OK to do, but her point was he should do more.

Nuthin

Saturday morning! First one home in a month! Slept in, hanging out with Bella, gonna meet Jenn and Evelyn at the gym. My back still hurts a little and I ate too much yesterday and don't know what I want to do before the gym. Eat? Protein Shake? I think I'll go out to eat after so not sure.

Last night was a little tough reading a book where everyone's falling in love and loving not being alone, and those magic minutes between awake or asleep are where it all gets messy and I'm not tough or strong. But this AM I am tough and strong, not bad to have an instant restart :)

I have a lot to do to get Keith ready for his trip and I'm trying to get some work done as well this week even though I'm taking a few days off. It'll happen. I wish I had someone to go on a tough bike ride with this weekend, I definitely work harder if someone else is around, but I am kinda looking forward to putting myself on Newport Coast alone. We'll see!

Guess where I am

I'm at the airport. Admirals Club OC, trying to wake up with some iced coffee. I haven't been sleeping for shit lately. My back hurts, my mind is working on something, so for the last 2 nights I have gotten up around 130 and have been awake until after 3. When the alarm goes off I am usually sound asleep, but from 11-3 it's not good. I think I am going to take some preemptive tylenol on days when I ride the bike or go to spin.

Keith stayed at Nans last night, they made it to No Cal by lunch time, so he's all under control for now. Bella stayed late at school and I dropped her suitcase of at lindseys on my way to the airport.

I am still pretty obsessively checking my email. I sent my match profile to Dennis's girlfriend for some analysis and revisions, but I guess it's still too intense. I told Dennis to re write it for me, as long as he doesn't try to make me stupid or mention anal sex. I haven't been contacted by anyone from that site in weeks. I am emailing with the hot asian guy, who is really into mountain biking, but nothing is moving towards meeting. I am slightly concerned he may not be attracted to me in person, so we might as well move it to that point and see what happens. I shouldn't be worried about it, but some of his biking pics had some petite girls in the pics, and going with the familiarity rule, I would not be that type.

I am trying to think of what drives me to keep checking the email even though I know it doesn't result in anything. Obviously 99% of the time there is no new messages, and even when there is I sit on it for hours before responding. I feel like some of the correspondence is a reflection of me, or who I am projecting to be based on the response I am getting from the other person. It's a reflection I like, but it's weird, like I am liking the person I might be in there presence. I'm not quite getting that right, but it's a close description.

Anyway I am going to be on good behavior during these meetings, show up on time, keep my mouth shut and keep the drinking to a minimum. Hopefully I'll find some time to work out, if not I'm just going to practice switching around the eating. Today is a good example of doing it right, breakfast, shabu shabu for lunch. I've got about 700 calories left, so more than 1/2 done by the middle of the day.

Its the 4th of July

It getting late here on the 4th of July, little miss is dramatically emphasizing her fear of fire works, the boy is in bed. I am wondering if a bottle of wine is better or worse than 4-5 beers (calorically). Also in the previous posts I realize my spelling is hideous and google should work harder to correct me.

No love from the internet or from the French guy. Whatever. I would like to know what my "options" are in the near future, but I need to get over it. Why is it you can look at some random guy and think you are good match and some how expect him to have the same impression based on a snarky 1000 words or less sum of who you are? There is something clearly insane about that, but somehow since I cannot put the answer into a sound bite I continue. It's like I'm struggling not to drown, but I already know surrender is the only way. Surrender will come and then what? I forget about companionship, sex, potential partnership?....I guess I'll know soon enough.

The boy didn't want to be here today. He only wants to be with his friends and their houses. It makes me sad he's not enjoying his life at home, he's going down my road of separate existences. Not good. I can only gently offer the other options.

I am ready for bed but don't want to sleep w little miss in my bed :( too much snoring. I also don't want to move her, potential melt down.