As usual I don't know what to say or where to start. I let Keith out of the house for a few hours yesterday and he smoked pot. I confronted him, he lied, I ended up flipping out on him.
I guess that sums it up. Nearly 6 weeks down the drain.
I am not all that surprised, really hurt by the lying. Really over it.
I don't want my life to be this way. I don't want to live with someone who will fight me at every opportunity. I don't want to be alone and friendless..
I know everyone feels this way sometimes. I know all feelings are temporary but I need some fucking relief.
Showing posts with label drugs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drugs. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Calgon Take Me Away
I need some non alcohol, non carbohydrate related stress relief. It's tough to organize my day or time to be able to exercise as stress relief. I can walk the dog, but getting my sweat on is tough to schedule. Jogging has negative side effects for days (too fat to jog), achy hips, knees, feet. Not making excuses, it just is what it is. I also have to work everyday, at least a little.
Keith was asking when he'd get some freedom back, wants to have a social life this summer. I think it will be another month before we know what the story is with his charges, school starts in 3 weeks. I am stressed just thinking about how to keep him home on Fridays and weekends once school starts. He cannot control himself around smoking/drinking other dangerous behavior and the bottom line is that will land him directly in jail. I don't know how to get that through to him. I've told him he should get a job, but he's not making any moves towards that.
I really do want to eat and drink non stop after 4 PM. I am thinking about asking my Dr for Xanax or something similar. Calorie free at least. I don't want to dull my instincts though. They haven't let me down with Keith yet.
I always feel super needy when I write stuff like what I am about to write, but it really amazes me how much of this is on my own. Nan and Martin are a HUGE help. Lindsey can only react, can't do or initiate anything. No one else really is around. I expect too much from Marie. She's my friend, not my life partner, but it's a disappointing conversation every time she says I should have Lindsey more involved or someone should beat some sense into Keith. It seems that we are past that. What good would that do?
I am a totally lacking patience and get bitchy too fast with Bella. Even when she's been with her dad all of Sunday, most of Monday and with Nan for hours today. I just shut down some how as soon as Keith is gone (like w Nan or Martin) and don't have much left for her. Shitty.
Keith was asking when he'd get some freedom back, wants to have a social life this summer. I think it will be another month before we know what the story is with his charges, school starts in 3 weeks. I am stressed just thinking about how to keep him home on Fridays and weekends once school starts. He cannot control himself around smoking/drinking other dangerous behavior and the bottom line is that will land him directly in jail. I don't know how to get that through to him. I've told him he should get a job, but he's not making any moves towards that.
I really do want to eat and drink non stop after 4 PM. I am thinking about asking my Dr for Xanax or something similar. Calorie free at least. I don't want to dull my instincts though. They haven't let me down with Keith yet.
I always feel super needy when I write stuff like what I am about to write, but it really amazes me how much of this is on my own. Nan and Martin are a HUGE help. Lindsey can only react, can't do or initiate anything. No one else really is around. I expect too much from Marie. She's my friend, not my life partner, but it's a disappointing conversation every time she says I should have Lindsey more involved or someone should beat some sense into Keith. It seems that we are past that. What good would that do?
I am a totally lacking patience and get bitchy too fast with Bella. Even when she's been with her dad all of Sunday, most of Monday and with Nan for hours today. I just shut down some how as soon as Keith is gone (like w Nan or Martin) and don't have much left for her. Shitty.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Everything stays the same and everything changes
All that stuff about Keith not using drugs, False. He got caught by the cops smoking on Friday behind the Wendy's (classy). He got a ticket, but didn't get handcuffed or taken in anywhere. Keith was the one who bought it and had it ready to go. I gave him about 1 hr after school and his dad gave him $20 and there you go.
The police called me and I went and picked him up (from behind said Wendy's) and flipped the fuck out. I yelled at him, at his friends. Threw his phone in the bushes, mad mom on 11. Now it's the following Wednesday and I am not sure WTF is going on w me. We went and saw the counselor again on Tuesday and she spent time alone with me. We are all in agreement that the drug use is unacceptable completely, but the fighting and the arguing after wards is normal ant expected behavior. She was giving me a lot of advice about not talking to him like an adult or expecting him to behave as one. I never considered myself a mom that needed to be friends with her kid, or was looking for him to fill some other emptiness, but that was 100% the talk I was getting. Wow! It's hard to accept that I might be doing that, but I am trying to wrap my head around it.
It's still an incredibly emotional reaction. I have some feeling of relief that his behavior is mostly normal but my mind just can't wrap around how to deal with it and what to do.
There's the same old stuff-needing to make more friends, wanting to meet someone, dealing with the fall out of the ups and downs of what wasn't but what I thought might kinda be. That doesn't deserve the space or attention of the other issues, but it exists.
The police called me and I went and picked him up (from behind said Wendy's) and flipped the fuck out. I yelled at him, at his friends. Threw his phone in the bushes, mad mom on 11. Now it's the following Wednesday and I am not sure WTF is going on w me. We went and saw the counselor again on Tuesday and she spent time alone with me. We are all in agreement that the drug use is unacceptable completely, but the fighting and the arguing after wards is normal ant expected behavior. She was giving me a lot of advice about not talking to him like an adult or expecting him to behave as one. I never considered myself a mom that needed to be friends with her kid, or was looking for him to fill some other emptiness, but that was 100% the talk I was getting. Wow! It's hard to accept that I might be doing that, but I am trying to wrap my head around it.
It's still an incredibly emotional reaction. I have some feeling of relief that his behavior is mostly normal but my mind just can't wrap around how to deal with it and what to do.
There's the same old stuff-needing to make more friends, wanting to meet someone, dealing with the fall out of the ups and downs of what wasn't but what I thought might kinda be. That doesn't deserve the space or attention of the other issues, but it exists.
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