I just think that's funny. I read a few blogs regularly, 4 or 5. I used to really fear someone reading it and now I don't. Other blogs refer to the comfort and the antidote for loneliness in comment, so that is appealing.
I've been watching Celebrity Rehab. What is right under my skin that makes me cry? What am I feeling that is just slightly misplaced or out of context? Maybe everyone has the pain nerve and seeing something in a similar vein activates it, I don't know.
So still writing down what I eat, still not so good. Drank a little better for a few days in Vegas, stopped early, didn't fall for the peer pressure of it all. That was good, but I was having food issues. The food was mediocre. I wanted to be satisfied, which means eating too much~a la last supper syndrome. I didn't do it, I skipped ice cream and available smell good snacks. I didn't eat things I didn't like just to get full (which means stuffed) but I wanted to. I felt a lot worse about that before I wrote it, I didn't do it, but I wanted to. That's OK, that's good responsible behavior.
I want to feel better about my body, which means loosing weight, I need to make that part of my day everyday. So next week the exercise folds back in. Then I need to take that show on the road.
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Friday, January 15, 2010
Thursday, December 10, 2009
It's been a long time
I always end up back here when things aren't where I'd like them to be. I've been reading a few blogs more regularly and see their story has different components but feels similar to mine. So I should tell mine, and I should ask for help or support and I hope I'll get some.
This feels overwhelming at this moment, to put down all the crap on my mind. I'll run a few down quickly and then another in more detail.
1. Kid A (the boy) still a douche, still smoking pot, still doesn't give a fuck about being caught. Running out of options and must follow through on these threats of drug program or boarding school.
2. X is really a douche. Which is well known fact but I still deal with it pretty regularly and I still react in ways that drag out how our marriage was. So many incidents of late to rant on here, but none would be a surprise and none would reveal anything new.
3. Mom. This is the one I will detail. So she has used drugs for all of my life. Mostly pot and pain killers. Now she's in her 60's and has old knee and back injuries. She was to my knowledge working many doctors for many rx's and enjoying a solitary f'd up life, just like she always wanted. BUT it gets better, she is buying methadone from a local neighborhood vato and is oblivious to reality for the most part. Putting that down doesn't feel like anything. The reality is it has made be very sad for a 5 yr old girl who didn't have the people who where supposed to lover her taking care of her. It's made me realize some lies I've been believing about her for too long...she's doing the best she can, she's done better than her mother. Secretly holding out for her grand amends to me. Facing that this is who she is has somehow reflected on me, or my opinion of me. I thought I was holding up pretty well, but this makes me consider the damaged goods label.
I've cried a lot in the last week. I'd like for things to get better this year, I thought they would have turned out differently. They didn't. What can I make happen? No Fairy Tales, no Happy Endings, no help, no relief.
I fear I can't do it all. Can I teach Kid A before it's too late? Can I build a life for myself? Can I do well by Bella in the midst of this? WTF is going on with me? Really!
There are so many stray threads here for me. Many relationships I have repeat the one with my Mom. Unavailable people, people who are available I'm not really interested in. My son dipping his toe in the same pool. It's a relentless future.
This feels overwhelming at this moment, to put down all the crap on my mind. I'll run a few down quickly and then another in more detail.
1. Kid A (the boy) still a douche, still smoking pot, still doesn't give a fuck about being caught. Running out of options and must follow through on these threats of drug program or boarding school.
2. X is really a douche. Which is well known fact but I still deal with it pretty regularly and I still react in ways that drag out how our marriage was. So many incidents of late to rant on here, but none would be a surprise and none would reveal anything new.
3. Mom. This is the one I will detail. So she has used drugs for all of my life. Mostly pot and pain killers. Now she's in her 60's and has old knee and back injuries. She was to my knowledge working many doctors for many rx's and enjoying a solitary f'd up life, just like she always wanted. BUT it gets better, she is buying methadone from a local neighborhood vato and is oblivious to reality for the most part. Putting that down doesn't feel like anything. The reality is it has made be very sad for a 5 yr old girl who didn't have the people who where supposed to lover her taking care of her. It's made me realize some lies I've been believing about her for too long...she's doing the best she can, she's done better than her mother. Secretly holding out for her grand amends to me. Facing that this is who she is has somehow reflected on me, or my opinion of me. I thought I was holding up pretty well, but this makes me consider the damaged goods label.
I've cried a lot in the last week. I'd like for things to get better this year, I thought they would have turned out differently. They didn't. What can I make happen? No Fairy Tales, no Happy Endings, no help, no relief.
I fear I can't do it all. Can I teach Kid A before it's too late? Can I build a life for myself? Can I do well by Bella in the midst of this? WTF is going on with me? Really!
There are so many stray threads here for me. Many relationships I have repeat the one with my Mom. Unavailable people, people who are available I'm not really interested in. My son dipping his toe in the same pool. It's a relentless future.
Monday, August 10, 2009
The Re Start
I've been a way a while, I wrote the other blog then I stopped because it was just about dating crap and I stopped dating. I have been motivated to start again, with more explicit objectives.
My analytical self, my academic self, my well thought out self. It's here and it's getting weak from lack of exercise.
Topics of interest
Parenting (specifically teen age boys)
Liberal Politics (defining myself as a liberal-where do I diverge-where do my beliefs come from)
Literature (please someone entertain my need to discuss books I love)
Film
Life
Career/dating/life for me
My analytical self, my academic self, my well thought out self. It's here and it's getting weak from lack of exercise.
Topics of interest
Parenting (specifically teen age boys)
Liberal Politics (defining myself as a liberal-where do I diverge-where do my beliefs come from)
Literature (please someone entertain my need to discuss books I love)
Film
Life
Career/dating/life for me
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