A Week or So Later

I re read yesterdays post and it was all f'd up...edited. It shows how much has yet to be processed in this whole thing. I can't get a handle on it yet. We called a detective who's been assigned to the case and he basically doesn't care about the additional info Keith's ready to give them. I want Keith to do the right thing, I know he's willing to do tell only because it will potentially get him less punishment. It's a lot of heartache.

This situation makes me look at everything all over again. I know what Keith did isn't my fault. He knew right from wrong and made a choice. Having him in the house non stop with Bella here is tough. It makes me short with her. That's not all bad, when it's just her and I the little stuff doesn't come up like it does with him bugging her. For the most part he's been compliant.

The thing it makes me feel that I don't want to write about because it's so dumb is it all makes me feel fat. I am fat, that's a fact. But I guess everything I haven't done is under review. I haven't taken care of myself completely, I don't address overeating. This whole situation makes me feel a bit justified for being fat too...I need to focus on Keith and getting that straight, so fat will keep dating away, which I don't have time for. Messed up!

No one reads this!

I just think that's funny. I read a few blogs regularly, 4 or 5. I used to really fear someone reading it and now I don't. Other blogs refer to the comfort and the antidote for loneliness in comment, so that is appealing.

I've been watching Celebrity Rehab. What is right under my skin that makes me cry? What am I feeling that is just slightly misplaced or out of context? Maybe everyone has the pain nerve and seeing something in a similar vein activates it, I don't know.

So still writing down what I eat, still not so good. Drank a little better for a few days in Vegas, stopped early, didn't fall for the peer pressure of it all. That was good, but I was having food issues. The food was mediocre. I wanted to be satisfied, which means eating too much~a la last supper syndrome. I didn't do it, I skipped ice cream and available smell good snacks. I didn't eat things I didn't like just to get full (which means stuffed) but I wanted to. I felt a lot worse about that before I wrote it, I didn't do it, but I wanted to. That's OK, that's good responsible behavior.

I want to feel better about my body, which means loosing weight, I need to make that part of my day everyday. So next week the exercise folds back in. Then I need to take that show on the road.

Why haven't I, why can't I, will I ever?

I am wondering why I haven't been able to loose weight, or stick to a lifestyle that makes me feel better about myself. I am about the same weight for the last year or so, about 2 yrs ago I was 20 lbs less. I don't want to go to a place that is just beating myself up for the sake of if it, but I also keep the reality of my weight at arms length. I am over 200lbs, I want to be in a relationship, these things are not easy to balance.

I am not a person lacking discipline, or will power, I am a person defined by that but I can't seem to apply it to this issue. It doesn't have to be that big of a deal, and it kind of isn't. I really just wonder why I have never made this happen and made it stick.

There are no right answers or magic formulas. Just eat about 1500 calories a day and get 1 hr of exercise. I think I can do that. Why don't I? Why haven't I?