Back To School

It's funny how the repetition of school kind of reset my guard to a weaker point. After school hours are full of shuffling. Home from school, on to appointments or activities. I think about leaving Keith at home for some of it, but can't let my guard down. I am suspicious of him almost all the time. He's getting away with something. He was too complacent tonight, no anxious energy. Even without Bella hear to torture (at her Dads) he should have been restless or looking for entertainment.

I know I'll find out, but I honestly don't want to. I don't want more tightening of the screws.

I am torn between wanting to create my own life, and not adding new destinations and things to do to the calendar which would make it easier to leave Keith unsupervised.

I'd also like to devote some time to the douchiness of the baby daddy. Not now I guess, but I am cataloging it for the near future.

Do we always orbit around the same problems?

I am focusing on accepting my life as is, believing this is the way it is supposed to be, regardless of my wants. I am grateful my job is flexible and I can manage the stuff with Keith and having both the kids out of school for the summer. I am grateful I am near my family and they are so willing to help. I am grateful I don't live with someone that makes me unhappy so I can focus on so many other things. I am grateful I can make so many choices-bike ride, dog walk, buy dinner or cook at home. So many comforts I have done with out and was raised with out.

Of course though I struggle with gratitude. I get so frustrated that Lindsey is doing what ever the fuck he wants whenever with whoever and has all of those options available to him. These are his kids, responsibility, crisis too. As the counselor says, he is being him, and that is why you divorced him. I wanted to go and see Lucinda Williams last night, but I don't even consider buying tickets because I have no one to go with. I heard Weezer's going to do a tour where they play Pinkerton all the way through. Will I have anyone to do anything with by then?

I just don't feel the internet or online dating really bringing someone into my life. My job doesn't bring local people too me. Again there are so many good things, but those things sting. I thought I'd have friends to do stuff with and that is not the case. Hasn't this been going on for like 2 years?

Week Whatever of Teenager meltdown

On Wednesday we had a total blow up because I caught Keith trying to sneak out. It was a crazy experience....phone range, I was in bed I and I thought I knew where the phone was, but then couldn't be sure. Got up, his door was locked, he opened the door fully clothed, shoes and all. His skateboard, a beanie with a cigarette in it and a baggie full of coins. The crazy part was to what lengths he went to in his lie. I'm "sketchy" he wasn't "planning" on leaving. Got totally out of hand, yelling at me. He hates me, hates living here. I called Lindsey to come over and boy did that make it worse. Keith was hitting himself, saying I was forcing him to kill himself. All sorts of crazy. Oh yeah, I have 2 kids, the most heartbreaking was Bella crying in her bed with the blankets over her head. Lindsey came and when I let him in I saw the screen was off Keith's window, but I am crazy. So after Lindsey and I both talking to him for a while, I'd had enough and left them alone. Seemed to calm down, but it's all a big fucked up mess. He's been sleeping on the couch ever since so I can see him. Not sure what to do about that. I want a new couch included in his restitution.

For most of this weekend he's been at Nans. We did a lot of house work yesterday (Keith included) then I had to get groceries etc, so he went to Nan's. Today he and Martin went to the Fair to see the skate competition. They work back and forth from Nan's all day.

I've never really thought too much about what he's said to me in the past. Today though all that stuff about hating me and hating it here wouldn't go away. I don't know how to process it. Same old Mom song for a 1000 years.

Also remember how I said I have no friends? Totally true. So over Marie and the just totally unavailable thing we've got going on. I spent some time with Shelagh and Janet from HS last week. It was easy and fine, but don't really want all that much more of it. I have no idea what they think about me or the boy felon situation.

Today Lindsey took Bella to his mom's for a BBQ and I had nothing to do. I could fold laundry, walk the dog, or go to a movie alone. I went to a movie alone, but just feel nothing about any of it. Sad a little, but no desire to do anything. I feel like you can't have it all at once. Right now I have a job I have to maintain, and a family crisis, not much room for much else. But my support system is limited and I could use more of that right now. This week is all home, maybe 1 day at a customer. Wednesday's are the worst now. Keith has to go to summer school and counseling. Lots of unhappy driving around town for us.

WTF is going on with me? FFS!

I hit the wall tonight. Of course with Keith, I was really seriously furious. He comes on strong and doesn't ever back down or deal with me being pissed at him. I feel really out there on my own with him. I still defend him to Lindsey and if he doesn't fucking turn out right, it's all on me. Why does he have to be such a dick? The details don't even matter, I am just worn out with acting like he's not being a dick.

I don't know why I am worn out, things are easier for me now than ever in a lot of respects. Work especially.

I am worn out from not having what I want (crying now). I want some fucking help, from someone on my side. I don't want to go to that down place and stay there for any length of time, I feel like I finally climbed out. I get these little stray flicker of hope, but they don't pan out. I am better with that than I have been in the past, but it still induces a cycle, and there's no pay off in it. Masturbating with out orgasm. NG.

I had 2 options in the moment, in my mind. Calling Ex or Nan (crying again). WTF is going on with that? For fuck's sake that's not really how I had hoped it would turn out. Part of me knows it has to be this way, in an optimistic sort of way, but it is a relentless cycle.

The whole f'ing thing with Steve has me pissed of too. He called, didn't work out for lunch, haven't heard from him since. Also fucking facebook doesn't make anything better, I can tell he's had time for that. I feel like a total idiot writing that but also with fucking SCG. He's back on FB, sent a request, got nothing back, and he's also been online. So whatevs. I should not give a FUCK about either of them, but I got nothing else going on. The online thing is such a filthy meaningless thing to do.

So tomorrow I resume. It appears I should give up FB for a while if it is making me this pissed.