I hit the wall tonight. Of course with Keith, I was really seriously furious. He comes on strong and doesn't ever back down or deal with me being pissed at him. I feel really out there on my own with him. I still defend him to Lindsey and if he doesn't fucking turn out right, it's all on me. Why does he have to be such a dick? The details don't even matter, I am just worn out with acting like he's not being a dick.
I don't know why I am worn out, things are easier for me now than ever in a lot of respects. Work especially.
I am worn out from not having what I want (crying now). I want some fucking help, from someone on my side. I don't want to go to that down place and stay there for any length of time, I feel like I finally climbed out. I get these little stray flicker of hope, but they don't pan out. I am better with that than I have been in the past, but it still induces a cycle, and there's no pay off in it. Masturbating with out orgasm. NG.
I had 2 options in the moment, in my mind. Calling Ex or Nan (crying again). WTF is going on with that? For fuck's sake that's not really how I had hoped it would turn out. Part of me knows it has to be this way, in an optimistic sort of way, but it is a relentless cycle.
The whole f'ing thing with Steve has me pissed of too. He called, didn't work out for lunch, haven't heard from him since. Also fucking facebook doesn't make anything better, I can tell he's had time for that. I feel like a total idiot writing that but also with fucking SCG. He's back on FB, sent a request, got nothing back, and he's also been online. So whatevs. I should not give a FUCK about either of them, but I got nothing else going on. The online thing is such a filthy meaningless thing to do.
So tomorrow I resume. It appears I should give up FB for a while if it is making me this pissed.
No comments:
Post a Comment