Here. There. Everywhere

Dear Diary,

I can no longer resist the pull of the confessional post. Although I have nothing to confess I' ve tried to avoid the list of complaint/sad sack post I previously perfected. I fear I can no longer resist.

I' m wondering what my passion really is. If I could do something very fulfilling what would that be? Would it be capitalism, would it be altruistic, would it be nothing (winning the lotto?). I am not sure. There is something out there more compelling than what currently takes me away from home.

I am good at motivating and supporting others (leading them to do their best)
I am good at making and executing decisions

I care about humanity in a way that is under used
I need to make 150k+ to drop out of corporate life.


Seems kinda like a 12yr olds diary entry, but I think it's a pretty good start. I care about helping people-bottom line- that's what I tap into for the corporate life. I'd like have something more meaningful. Reading about the Clinton Foundation, the problems in the Sudan, micro lending, issues of access make me feel-I want to contribute. I went to the Claim Jumper the other night and was appalled by the waste. Can't we connect the hungry with the excess? What if I could automatically donate 25% of my meal to someone in need (same fee, smaller portion)? I would always do that. I think many Americans want to help but they don't like to donate $, they like to do, or have the belief that they are eliminating bureaucracy or government from giving. I have to start participating in some organizations to see how it feels and learn about how they work to see where I can fit.

I was in NYC for a few days for work. Perfect weather, great energy. I really loved walking to appointments with JayZ on the iPod and the sky line. Didn't maximize the city at night, it was the first time I was there alone and couldn't muster the ability to take it outside after hours. I did talk to a man in a bar (!) but didn't pursue it to the full extent (safety first!). I wanted to have company while I was there. Even Ethan or Tets is a willing ride along. I still think about the Steve situation too. I draft strongly worded emails and develop manifestos but don't send them. What's the desired outcome? Apology? Whatever. Push the interaction to an affair? I am too good for that. But I am also with no current offers or options on the table and 14 months into a dry spell.

At this very instant I am such a mix of optimism and pessimism. I think it's all possible, and what I really want is really out there, but I go home to routine and can't break out. I fell a mix of getting used to what I don't want for myself (cats/boxed wine/sweat pants) and the potential of putting myself in the right environment. The result is just pressing pause and doing nothing. Part of me still cant contextualize a relationship in my life completely. Like introducing the kids and integrating someone into my life openly seems years away. Literally years away. I think part of that is based in self doubt. Doubt of my abilities to make the right relationship decisions (lowering my tolerance for crazy) and doubting my desirability. I have to leave those anchors, but there are obstacles. Survival with kids, work, day to day always wears me down.