Trajectory

The path continued to it's end, in which the Match guy texted me and said he put more thought into it and we're not a good match after all. OK. Bye. But also WTF? We had exchanged text messages for fucks sake. I know how it goes, a better looking offer appears, you can't juggle multiple people when you first start, but it really felt shitty on top of shitty. Then after that I decided to call MB, I got to thinking about what I am good at, and one of the things is making awkward situations better, connecting with people etc. So I thought I'd call and just try and have some kind of verbal report. We'll that kinda sucked. We chatted for a bit, he got another call, said he'd call back. Didn't. Emailed to apologize. OK got it.

I've been doing things 1 of 2 ways. Old way, take charge, make it happen which results in not seeing how the other person feels about me, creating insecurities in me because I am not being pursued, or the alternative of doing nothing but being available.

I get the lesson, but I don't believe in it. I get that it will happen when it is supposed to happen and you can't force it. But doing nothing is just not me. It reminds me a little of "To worry or not to worry, the outcome is the same". The craziness of me doesn't create the momentum I want. Just like hysterical mom doesn't make Keith change. OK maybe I do believe in that.

The rejection is so inner child though. Every time I put myself out there, I am admitting to the world and myself I need help, I want to be taken care of. That's big stuff for me. When your mom didn't take care of you it seems like a huge risk. Part of me can't believe all these strangers don't get that. But duh, they don't get that.