Strung Out

As usual I don't know what to say or where to start. I let Keith out of the house for a few hours yesterday and he smoked pot. I confronted him, he lied, I ended up flipping out on him.

I guess that sums it up. Nearly 6 weeks down the drain.

I am not all that surprised, really hurt by the lying. Really over it.

I don't want my life to be this way. I don't want to live with someone who will fight me at every opportunity. I don't want to be alone and friendless..

I know everyone feels this way sometimes. I know all feelings are temporary but I need some fucking relief.

Do we always orbit around the same problems?

I am focusing on accepting my life as is, believing this is the way it is supposed to be, regardless of my wants. I am grateful my job is flexible and I can manage the stuff with Keith and having both the kids out of school for the summer. I am grateful I am near my family and they are so willing to help. I am grateful I don't live with someone that makes me unhappy so I can focus on so many other things. I am grateful I can make so many choices-bike ride, dog walk, buy dinner or cook at home. So many comforts I have done with out and was raised with out.

Of course though I struggle with gratitude. I get so frustrated that Lindsey is doing what ever the fuck he wants whenever with whoever and has all of those options available to him. These are his kids, responsibility, crisis too. As the counselor says, he is being him, and that is why you divorced him. I wanted to go and see Lucinda Williams last night, but I don't even consider buying tickets because I have no one to go with. I heard Weezer's going to do a tour where they play Pinkerton all the way through. Will I have anyone to do anything with by then?

I just don't feel the internet or online dating really bringing someone into my life. My job doesn't bring local people too me. Again there are so many good things, but those things sting. I thought I'd have friends to do stuff with and that is not the case. Hasn't this been going on for like 2 years?

Calgon Take Me Away

I need some non alcohol, non carbohydrate related stress relief. It's tough to organize my day or time to be able to exercise as stress relief. I can walk the dog, but getting my sweat on is tough to schedule. Jogging has negative side effects for days (too fat to jog), achy hips, knees, feet. Not making excuses, it just is what it is. I also have to work everyday, at least a little.

Keith was asking when he'd get some freedom back, wants to have a social life this summer. I think it will be another month before we know what the story is with his charges, school starts in 3 weeks. I am stressed just thinking about how to keep him home on Fridays and weekends once school starts. He cannot control himself around smoking/drinking other dangerous behavior and the bottom line is that will land him directly in jail. I don't know how to get that through to him. I've told him he should get a job, but he's not making any moves towards that.

I really do want to eat and drink non stop after 4 PM. I am thinking about asking my Dr for Xanax or something similar. Calorie free at least. I don't want to dull my instincts though. They haven't let me down with Keith yet.

I always feel super needy when I write stuff like what I am about to write, but it really amazes me how much of this is on my own. Nan and Martin are a HUGE help. Lindsey can only react, can't do or initiate anything. No one else really is around. I expect too much from Marie. She's my friend, not my life partner, but it's a disappointing conversation every time she says I should have Lindsey more involved or someone should beat some sense into Keith. It seems that we are past that. What good would that do?

I am a totally lacking patience and get bitchy too fast with Bella. Even when she's been with her dad all of Sunday, most of Monday and with Nan for hours today. I just shut down some how as soon as Keith is gone (like w Nan or Martin) and don't have much left for her. Shitty.

I was feeling marginally positive

Still going, still getting out of bed everyday. Feeling less paralyzed, but still plenty of craziness. I had Keith and Martin paint Keith's room today. I figured he needed to respect his environment to have any self respect and the room was pretty much a reflection of his previous state. It went pretty well, they did a good job. It cost a lot of money.

We went to the MD and he was prescribed Zolof which is of the prozac family. It was a very scary proposition. I am nervous about side effects and nervous about encouraging drugs to solve problems. I found a note in his wallet were he had written down the name of one of Ed's medications. It was a cholesterol drug. That's how bad it is.

He also just came out to ask me if he could walk the dog so I asked him what was in his pockets, he had some stickers which basically=graffiti and I know he had a cigarette he took from Martin. Same old shit. He hasn't even been able to sleep in his own bed for almost 2 weeks, but he's still down to smoke cigarettes (that he stole) and tag shit. It's going to be a long road.

I am still fat. I think I get why ;-)

Breakfast-Zen raisin bread w peanut butter = 330 calories
Snack-Banana 100 calories
Lunch-Sonic Chicken w bacon and tater tots=1000 calories
Dinner-Beer, brown rice, chicken, broccoli 800 calories
~2300 Calories

Monday I'm going to weight watchers for about the 4th time. It worked that one time, but I had an energy for it that I don't know if I can reclaim. I just need that feeling of control though, giving myself the medicine of diet/exercise.

Tomorrow Keith, Martin and I are going to the Getty to see a photography exhibit. Am I an idiot? I keep trying, but same results. I guess he's the idiot for now but I'm definitely in the game with an idiot. t

I'd like to lie down under my desk

I'm in the office today, had lap top repaired and other stuff to get done. None of which really got done (laptop repair not my responsibility, so it got done). I'm sick with anxiety. That is the bottom line. I am nearly immobile today, I really want to go somewhere and cry but I want someone there who will comfort me and who genuinely cares.

I don't even want to write down what I caught Keith doing yesterday, it's so unbelievably fucked up with him right now and I can't see any progress or movement towards change. I'm worn out, I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm ashamed. I'm old, I'm fat, it's not a good time.

Today I am taking him to the medical Dr. to see about medication for depression. I do think he needs it, but I am scared of him falling into the 4% that becomes worse by taking it. I am also concerned by medicating problems, that's what he's basically been doing for a long time and he needs to learn not to. WTF is going to become of my son? It is the fucking scariest thing ever.

Week Whatever of Teenager meltdown

On Wednesday we had a total blow up because I caught Keith trying to sneak out. It was a crazy experience....phone range, I was in bed I and I thought I knew where the phone was, but then couldn't be sure. Got up, his door was locked, he opened the door fully clothed, shoes and all. His skateboard, a beanie with a cigarette in it and a baggie full of coins. The crazy part was to what lengths he went to in his lie. I'm "sketchy" he wasn't "planning" on leaving. Got totally out of hand, yelling at me. He hates me, hates living here. I called Lindsey to come over and boy did that make it worse. Keith was hitting himself, saying I was forcing him to kill himself. All sorts of crazy. Oh yeah, I have 2 kids, the most heartbreaking was Bella crying in her bed with the blankets over her head. Lindsey came and when I let him in I saw the screen was off Keith's window, but I am crazy. So after Lindsey and I both talking to him for a while, I'd had enough and left them alone. Seemed to calm down, but it's all a big fucked up mess. He's been sleeping on the couch ever since so I can see him. Not sure what to do about that. I want a new couch included in his restitution.

For most of this weekend he's been at Nans. We did a lot of house work yesterday (Keith included) then I had to get groceries etc, so he went to Nan's. Today he and Martin went to the Fair to see the skate competition. They work back and forth from Nan's all day.

I've never really thought too much about what he's said to me in the past. Today though all that stuff about hating me and hating it here wouldn't go away. I don't know how to process it. Same old Mom song for a 1000 years.

Also remember how I said I have no friends? Totally true. So over Marie and the just totally unavailable thing we've got going on. I spent some time with Shelagh and Janet from HS last week. It was easy and fine, but don't really want all that much more of it. I have no idea what they think about me or the boy felon situation.

Today Lindsey took Bella to his mom's for a BBQ and I had nothing to do. I could fold laundry, walk the dog, or go to a movie alone. I went to a movie alone, but just feel nothing about any of it. Sad a little, but no desire to do anything. I feel like you can't have it all at once. Right now I have a job I have to maintain, and a family crisis, not much room for much else. But my support system is limited and I could use more of that right now. This week is all home, maybe 1 day at a customer. Wednesday's are the worst now. Keith has to go to summer school and counseling. Lots of unhappy driving around town for us.

A Week or So Later

I re read yesterdays post and it was all f'd up...edited. It shows how much has yet to be processed in this whole thing. I can't get a handle on it yet. We called a detective who's been assigned to the case and he basically doesn't care about the additional info Keith's ready to give them. I want Keith to do the right thing, I know he's willing to do tell only because it will potentially get him less punishment. It's a lot of heartache.

This situation makes me look at everything all over again. I know what Keith did isn't my fault. He knew right from wrong and made a choice. Having him in the house non stop with Bella here is tough. It makes me short with her. That's not all bad, when it's just her and I the little stuff doesn't come up like it does with him bugging her. For the most part he's been compliant.

The thing it makes me feel that I don't want to write about because it's so dumb is it all makes me feel fat. I am fat, that's a fact. But I guess everything I haven't done is under review. I haven't taken care of myself completely, I don't address overeating. This whole situation makes me feel a bit justified for being fat too...I need to focus on Keith and getting that straight, so fat will keep dating away, which I don't have time for. Messed up!

I'm going to do this again

I am doing this again mostly because I can't find anything nearly like my life on the internet. Maybe it's out there....IDK. The internet teaches us to be ADD if nothing else, so if it doesn't come up in the top 3 I am not going to find it. I am still 100 yrs old and mostly friendless and with no significant other or prospect for one in the future. Today I am OK with that. Other days it makes me sad.

I have 2 kids...7 and 15.5...15.5 was arrested for a felony 1 week ago. He stole cigarettes with 2 friends, $3k worth. He would've sold the cigarettes for money to buy pot. So now we are waiting to see what happens next. He's working through his summer school stuff, staying home, supervised 100% of the time. I am sure he is withdrawing from smoking pot and cigarettes. In some ways it's a relief to know he's here and not doing anything he shouldn't be. No cell phone, no house phone privileges.

I am a responsible adult, I have a full time job. I am focused on my kids, I don't have drinking problem. I don't recreationaly use drugs. I work, I take care of my responsibilities and still I have a son who committed a felony. No one really addresses the fact that you can be doing mostly the right things and still things turn out not so good. "mostly the right things" I think if I had stayed married longer it wouldn't have turned out this way. Also the little things through out his childhood...no quitting soccer! No rated PG movies! No tolerating the substance abuser in our family...but here we are.