Why haven't I, why can't I, will I ever?

I am wondering why I haven't been able to loose weight, or stick to a lifestyle that makes me feel better about myself. I am about the same weight for the last year or so, about 2 yrs ago I was 20 lbs less. I don't want to go to a place that is just beating myself up for the sake of if it, but I also keep the reality of my weight at arms length. I am over 200lbs, I want to be in a relationship, these things are not easy to balance.

I am not a person lacking discipline, or will power, I am a person defined by that but I can't seem to apply it to this issue. It doesn't have to be that big of a deal, and it kind of isn't. I really just wonder why I have never made this happen and made it stick.

There are no right answers or magic formulas. Just eat about 1500 calories a day and get 1 hr of exercise. I think I can do that. Why don't I? Why haven't I?

Stuck

I'm not feeling well and I stayed up way to late. I took the boy to a show in LA and then waited up for him to get dropped off at home. My mind was not quiet but was not linear either. I'm in a state lacking motion. Looking forward to the girl being with her dad today. I need a break from the constant-ness of it.

I have nothing going on, so I have little to say. I often feel sorry for myself, jealous, and resentful of those who have what I want. Those are not joyful or attractive feelings. I've driven some people off and can't shake the ones I should have driven off (just the one really). How will I prepare for 40? How will I spend the next year? Will I wake up next December and feel like saying good bye to another year just for that ceremonial restart? I don't want to be that type of person but that has been the last year, nearly 2. I can talk about a solution-resolving to eat better, exercise regularly, try new social settings, but they all feel inauthentic.

Authentic? Walking the dog. Music (torch song sing a longs in the car), cooking.

Do I really?

Do I really honor and celebrate my blessings? I am not sure the last time I soaked in a moment and enjoyed it. I have seen myself doing well, not getting wound up when the valet doesnt bring my car or other inconveniences of life that I used to get bent out of shape about. There is some strange filter on my feelings though, every thing is reactionary.

When I am away from home I sleep so well, I don't really miss being at home. I worry about the kids and the logistics but no generally not much more. I know there have been times of deep regret at being away but those are very temporary states. I think I have projected repellent in the last year +, an energy that is guarded or to protective. That's OK, I needed to protect myself and my focus, but now it's such a strange state.

I am home doing not much and totally fine with that, but that perpetuates the isolation and loneliness. Ive been working on reaching out to the available people in my life, just getting out in good ways. It's going to be a slow process. One more random issue. I would like to have sex-over a year. Crazy.

The issues with the boy have such an orbit and pull. It's important for me to keep a part of me anchored in my own life. Keep the hysterical mom out of the picture and keep the "I'll just take care of him" option out of reality. He said yesterday he wants to go to meetings to be "sober". I was shocked to hear him say the words like he's not sober. He seems to get drug use better than I do. I think-he's stoned sometimes and sober the rest-but not so. Also the language of abuse and rehab are part of everyone's reality now. Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears, everyone who's anyone goes, right?

Headache

Today is Sunday Dec 13th. I drove to LA with the dog to go to a craft show with Marie that was actually held on Dec 12th. So much on my mind I can't keep a social engagement in check. I'm OK with that, it happens. Marie's BF watched the dog who had a great time with their dog.

I have a headache from my head to my heels with tension. Keith is flipping out about not getting money, threatening to steal "Don't be surprised if you get a call from the cops", to which I replied "don't be surprised if I don't answer". What's going to work? What can I do to make a difference? Kids don't care about their parents feelings, I know this isn't about me, but what can I do to make him safe?

The more time I spend at home the less I want to leave it. Tomorrow is a short trip to San Jose then nothing until after the holidays. Feeling sad, not sure what it is. I'd like to catch a break. I know the blessings and I count them. I honor them, celebrate them. I'd like to leave a lot of 2009 in 2009. I remember feeling that way last New Years Eve as well. The piece of the puzzle that I am looking for is what is my part in this? What about me can I change to get a different result. I hope the answer is near by, to be found out on a walk with the dog. At the bottom of a pile of laundry I need to fold.

It's been a long time

I always end up back here when things aren't where I'd like them to be. I've been reading a few blogs more regularly and see their story has different components but feels similar to mine. So I should tell mine, and I should ask for help or support and I hope I'll get some.

This feels overwhelming at this moment, to put down all the crap on my mind. I'll run a few down quickly and then another in more detail.

1. Kid A (the boy) still a douche, still smoking pot, still doesn't give a fuck about being caught. Running out of options and must follow through on these threats of drug program or boarding school.

2. X is really a douche. Which is well known fact but I still deal with it pretty regularly and I still react in ways that drag out how our marriage was. So many incidents of late to rant on here, but none would be a surprise and none would reveal anything new.

3. Mom. This is the one I will detail. So she has used drugs for all of my life. Mostly pot and pain killers. Now she's in her 60's and has old knee and back injuries. She was to my knowledge working many doctors for many rx's and enjoying a solitary f'd up life, just like she always wanted. BUT it gets better, she is buying methadone from a local neighborhood vato and is oblivious to reality for the most part. Putting that down doesn't feel like anything. The reality is it has made be very sad for a 5 yr old girl who didn't have the people who where supposed to lover her taking care of her. It's made me realize some lies I've been believing about her for too long...she's doing the best she can, she's done better than her mother. Secretly holding out for her grand amends to me. Facing that this is who she is has somehow reflected on me, or my opinion of me. I thought I was holding up pretty well, but this makes me consider the damaged goods label.

I've cried a lot in the last week. I'd like for things to get better this year, I thought they would have turned out differently. They didn't. What can I make happen? No Fairy Tales, no Happy Endings, no help, no relief.

I fear I can't do it all. Can I teach Kid A before it's too late? Can I build a life for myself? Can I do well by Bella in the midst of this? WTF is going on with me? Really!

There are so many stray threads here for me. Many relationships I have repeat the one with my Mom. Unavailable people, people who are available I'm not really interested in. My son dipping his toe in the same pool. It's a relentless future.

Here. There. Everywhere

Dear Diary,

I can no longer resist the pull of the confessional post. Although I have nothing to confess I' ve tried to avoid the list of complaint/sad sack post I previously perfected. I fear I can no longer resist.

I' m wondering what my passion really is. If I could do something very fulfilling what would that be? Would it be capitalism, would it be altruistic, would it be nothing (winning the lotto?). I am not sure. There is something out there more compelling than what currently takes me away from home.

I am good at motivating and supporting others (leading them to do their best)
I am good at making and executing decisions

I care about humanity in a way that is under used
I need to make 150k+ to drop out of corporate life.


Seems kinda like a 12yr olds diary entry, but I think it's a pretty good start. I care about helping people-bottom line- that's what I tap into for the corporate life. I'd like have something more meaningful. Reading about the Clinton Foundation, the problems in the Sudan, micro lending, issues of access make me feel-I want to contribute. I went to the Claim Jumper the other night and was appalled by the waste. Can't we connect the hungry with the excess? What if I could automatically donate 25% of my meal to someone in need (same fee, smaller portion)? I would always do that. I think many Americans want to help but they don't like to donate $, they like to do, or have the belief that they are eliminating bureaucracy or government from giving. I have to start participating in some organizations to see how it feels and learn about how they work to see where I can fit.

I was in NYC for a few days for work. Perfect weather, great energy. I really loved walking to appointments with JayZ on the iPod and the sky line. Didn't maximize the city at night, it was the first time I was there alone and couldn't muster the ability to take it outside after hours. I did talk to a man in a bar (!) but didn't pursue it to the full extent (safety first!). I wanted to have company while I was there. Even Ethan or Tets is a willing ride along. I still think about the Steve situation too. I draft strongly worded emails and develop manifestos but don't send them. What's the desired outcome? Apology? Whatever. Push the interaction to an affair? I am too good for that. But I am also with no current offers or options on the table and 14 months into a dry spell.

At this very instant I am such a mix of optimism and pessimism. I think it's all possible, and what I really want is really out there, but I go home to routine and can't break out. I fell a mix of getting used to what I don't want for myself (cats/boxed wine/sweat pants) and the potential of putting myself in the right environment. The result is just pressing pause and doing nothing. Part of me still cant contextualize a relationship in my life completely. Like introducing the kids and integrating someone into my life openly seems years away. Literally years away. I think part of that is based in self doubt. Doubt of my abilities to make the right relationship decisions (lowering my tolerance for crazy) and doubting my desirability. I have to leave those anchors, but there are obstacles. Survival with kids, work, day to day always wears me down.

Everything stays the same and everything changes

All that stuff about Keith not using drugs, False. He got caught by the cops smoking on Friday behind the Wendy's (classy). He got a ticket, but didn't get handcuffed or taken in anywhere. Keith was the one who bought it and had it ready to go. I gave him about 1 hr after school and his dad gave him $20 and there you go.

The police called me and I went and picked him up (from behind said Wendy's) and flipped the fuck out. I yelled at him, at his friends. Threw his phone in the bushes, mad mom on 11. Now it's the following Wednesday and I am not sure WTF is going on w me. We went and saw the counselor again on Tuesday and she spent time alone with me. We are all in agreement that the drug use is unacceptable completely, but the fighting and the arguing after wards is normal ant expected behavior. She was giving me a lot of advice about not talking to him like an adult or expecting him to behave as one. I never considered myself a mom that needed to be friends with her kid, or was looking for him to fill some other emptiness, but that was 100% the talk I was getting. Wow! It's hard to accept that I might be doing that, but I am trying to wrap my head around it.

It's still an incredibly emotional reaction. I have some feeling of relief that his behavior is mostly normal but my mind just can't wrap around how to deal with it and what to do.

There's the same old stuff-needing to make more friends, wanting to meet someone, dealing with the fall out of the ups and downs of what wasn't but what I thought might kinda be. That doesn't deserve the space or attention of the other issues, but it exists.

Teen Agers Suck

We are more than a week into the Pot thing turning everything upside down. We spent a week in the house together, which is truly excruciating. Now he has his phone and internet privileges back and I have been letting him out a few hours at a time.

We saw a counselor who specializes in drug use. I think she mostly gets court ordered clients. She was hard on him and made me see some flaws in my logic or actions. Even now I don't know why I let him out at all. Today he went w his Dad for a few hours and was miserable about it. My first reaction was to make it easier for him and get him out of it. Didn't do that, but seeing I need to think about decisions before I make them. My inclination to accommodate isn't helping. I feel like Keith can't handle stress of any kind and up until now I've mad that easy, getting it out of his way, or relaxing expectations. Now when I can't do that, he's using Pot to alleviate the stress. It was shocking to me how many things Nan has done that I have laughed at in the past-like getting Martin a dog-came to mind for me. That was an eye opener.

It's been a really tough couple of weeks. So much screaming and yelling, so many ways for a 14 yr old to throw a tantrum, but no drug use, so that is really the thing to remember. School starts in a few days, really really really looking forward to structure.

Take a ways, repeating the past is insidious and you have to do things deliberately to avoid it. Kids say crap they don't mean. Don't let their words hurt you.

Something shamefull this way comes

There is something going on with my son that makes me feel sick and ashamed and as I struggle with it I do #1 problem solving first step-I google it. However on this topic I find nothing helpful. It's one of the few times I honestly wonder how many other people are struggling with the same issue, where are they and where can we get help?

My son is 14 and he smokes pot. I don't allow it, I punish it, I drug test him, but he smokes pot. I am really emotional about this issue and am shaking as I type this. My family has a long history with substance abuse, and this is a pandora's box. I found out today he has cheated the drug tests. Obviously my punishment strategy isn't working, but I can't stop fighting. My body is telling me to fight harder, I see images of a leash, of me sitting on him, anything to stop the cycle he's initiating.

I've read enough to know that rehab is not the place for him, he'd meet lots of people doing worse things than him and learn a lot of ways to end up worse off. Rehab and drug related counseling are an industry, a machine, and no one can stop the momentum of a child who says-I like it-I like the way it makes me feel. I feel happy when I do it, why would I stop?-which is the horrifying gist of our last conversation on the topic.

So my options seem to be-

Private School-Expensive to the point of crippling me financially
Moving-What about their Dad? What about childcare?

I took him to the Dr. who have him the weakest speech ever.

So that's it I guess. Anyone have any advice?

Great Advice-It doesn't have to be hard & I have arrived

I pay a lot for great advice, in the form of professional counseling. I have always viewed it as a hired advocate, a coach, an impartial yet dedicated ear. This week she was the bomb. I've been feeling blah about all the things I always feel blah about

1.Mom-she sucked and continues to remind of that
2. Life-feels like it's on pause-talking about same crap forever
3. Parenting-Enforce vs. Consult
4. Men-can't even give that a sound bit
5. Friends-I don't have enough reliable ones to constitute a social life, and I'm old and live in So Cal

So her great advice was to do something easy, not hard. In moments like this I have previously signed up for a marathon (w a fund raising obligation), a century bike ride, and Japanese class. I loved that advice because I loved the acknowledgment that she had been listening for the last 2 yrs. and because it just hit, it doesn't have to be hard. I invited all the women in OC or near OC that I know on FB to be in a book club, and the response was good enough to go forward. Nice! Possible social life enhancer.

I have long committed to go to Drinking Liberally and to work on Habitat with Humanity, but have yet to. Honestly, they feel hard (another great outcome of her advice). Going out and drinking and acting smart are beyond my comfort zone right now, and my gut says my comfort zone is what's right for me for now. Habitat for Humanity will happen, but isn't grounded in social activity, but in altruism, which is where it belongs. Work keeps getting in the way of orientation.

It doesn't have to be hard. I have arrived. 2 pieces of advice that really made a difference.

Over Inspired

It's a strange affliction. I have felt this way a few times in the last year and it's usually brought on by a book. Last year when I read What is the What by David Eggers I wanted sincerely to get involved with the foundation (www.valentinoachakdeng.org) but the best way to help seems to be with money. Logistics of shipping are very expensive and they are not local so business related hep is out of reach. So I didn't get involved.

I read another David Eggers book last week Zoutin and put more thought into the way they run their endeavors. Voice of Witness, McSweeny's and more produce great work, inspiring work and drive me to practice more critical thought and make more connections in the world. I want that in my life more often. My next reaction is to get pretty unfocused pretty quickly. I have friend in the early stages of Luekemia, I'll do a team in training event, that will fill this need. I'll sign Keith and I up for Habitat for Humanity.

Then I went to a friends booksigning (Next of Kin by Richard Rodriguez) and reading. Suddenly critical thought and analysis was right in my lap. I want to write! But it's such a cliche and very narcisistic, and unlikely to satisfy completely. Admitedly I am not writting for my own fullfillment, I'd be writting for the reaction phase as well. Never the way to start a quest for personal satisfaction.

Also there's the reality of my life. I am a single mom with a demanding work travel schedule and a teenage son who needs more than I am currently giving. Can I take a class? Can I make a committment for every Saturday for weeks or months?

Focusing the intention is the challenge. I want to consider what I can be passionate about vs. what I am interested in. Passionate about No Reservations, maybe not, passionate about ??? is the challenge.

I posted on my FB this weekend that I was over inspired. I got a great response-Take your daughter for a bike ride. My post about that had inspired a friend to do the same. Nice!

The Re Start

I've been a way a while, I wrote the other blog then I stopped because it was just about dating crap and I stopped dating. I have been motivated to start again, with more explicit objectives.

My analytical self, my academic self, my well thought out self. It's here and it's getting weak from lack of exercise.

Topics of interest
Parenting (specifically teen age boys)
Liberal Politics (defining myself as a liberal-where do I diverge-where do my beliefs come from)
Literature (please someone entertain my need to discuss books I love)
Film
Life
Career/dating/life for me