Look What I did today

I road my bike up Newport Coast. it took about 20 min but I did it! I didn't die!

Sunday=Procrastinate

I'm supposed to be studying Japanese right now, but am doing a good job of not doing it. I've got to sit with Tets for a few hours when we're in Japan and get some of this stuff committed to memory.
I need more homework and more deadlines to take it seriously. Sad but true.
I was reading Keiths Myspace messages. We really dodged a bullet, he was smoking pot and loosing friends, Alex was avoiding him, girls were judging him. Such a hard corner to turn, and I am just filled with pride and love that he did it. I got drunk once or twice at that age, sneaking liquor from a friends parents, but didn't smoke anything until sophomore year and all of that was pretty occasional, nothing on the regular. I wish I could just be home waiting for him to get home all the time, but it's just not possible, never would be.
So still off the internet dating! Yay me! Pretty much cold turkey for 1 week (not so long now that I type it out, long way to go to make it to the 90 day mark). I read the emails the sites send me and check out the pics, which just reinforces the desire to stay away from it. Some emails with super cute guy yesterday. Kind of a great place, I was asking for help to be where I am and the emails showed up. Very pragmatic but can't deny the hopefulness. I was feeling very lucky yesterday, gym and lunch w girl friends, falling right in my lap, stuff at home to keep me busy, a little sign that someone great might think I am too.

Nuthin

Saturday morning! First one home in a month! Slept in, hanging out with Bella, gonna meet Jenn and Evelyn at the gym. My back still hurts a little and I ate too much yesterday and don't know what I want to do before the gym. Eat? Protein Shake? I think I'll go out to eat after so not sure.

Last night was a little tough reading a book where everyone's falling in love and loving not being alone, and those magic minutes between awake or asleep are where it all gets messy and I'm not tough or strong. But this AM I am tough and strong, not bad to have an instant restart :)

I have a lot to do to get Keith ready for his trip and I'm trying to get some work done as well this week even though I'm taking a few days off. It'll happen. I wish I had someone to go on a tough bike ride with this weekend, I definitely work harder if someone else is around, but I am kinda looking forward to putting myself on Newport Coast alone. We'll see!

Bike Bike Bike bikety bike bike

The double workouts on Tuesdays are kicking my ass. About 1/2 into the bike ride in the evening's I am spent, I have a bit of wind, and then just try and finish respectably close to the rest of them. I love it though, hard to explain, it's all the things you shouldn't love. Awkward, hard, uncomfortable physically, I'm totally not the boss of it, but I love it. I think I need a new seat, ASAP, the girl parts are suffering. I went to the Dr today to be sure it wasn't anything else, but basically it's irritated with me, which is not a good place to be. I could totally have sex but totally not interested in doing it alone due to general discomfort.

What else? I've been trying to turn it up at work which may have some good results, Tets is super happy with his raise and new plan so I am really happy for him :):):) He wrote me the sweetest email about how he always thought 6 figures were for someone else, he never new it could happen.
Makes me feel pretty great to get him somewhere special.

Sometimes Thursday nights are tough. Thank goodness the bike ride keeps me busy until 8, then I go for ramen, then home, shower, sleep. But kids are gone, and it's tough. Hard to shake that someones not looking out for me when I feel I need it. I am still very grateful for what I have, what I've been shown, and I know it's all good, but a little lonely on Thursday night, I'm just sayin', is all

Today

It's Tuesday, the boys came over for dinner. First I just invited Mark, but then I thought Keith would think it was my boyfriend, so I invited Ethan, and then I wanted Tets to come, so it was the 4 of us. BBQ'd some fish, rice, salad, broccoli and a bottle of wine, desert-strawberries and angel food cake. Now it's almost bed time. I'm listening to Bella sing along to Miley Cirus. I'm going to have to record that tomorrow...it's too awesome to let it fade as memory only.

Asian guy's email again. Don't care. Other normal internet guy emailed after about 2 weeks which seems weird, like who has 2 weeks to wait around, but whatever. Don't care. Had an email from super cute guy, totally cared, it was short and sweet. I emailed him a pic of Tets and Ethan that he wanted, and sent a group email about the bike ride out. That's it. Part of me wants him to get to know me, wants him to read this. Wants all of that to boil up, but part of me is not motivated to make it happen, which is the part I am going with. Mark asked me if we were boyfriend and girlfriend. too funny. Anyway this is the part were my mind and my skills want to run with something, just for the sake of making it happen. But I can't, which feels like progress.

So best work out ever today. Spin was awesome. Working hard, and she came around off the bike and looked at me "What are you working for" "Make it happen, work harder, get it"I am amazed how that stuff works on me but it does, I almost started crying. Hearing myself inside saying I am working for ME and I am worth it, and I will do it, is amazing and powerful. and new. Never before was I able to hear myself love myself or achieve for my sake. Always for someone else. It's on!

Tets is leaving tomorrow AM for 1 month! I'll see him in 2 weeks, but so crazy. I gotta bust my ass while he's gone so I can show off ;-).

I Get It!

So here's a reason why the blog works. I was reading some of the stuff I had written last week. You know the part were I asked for someone with real chemistry and connection....well I got that. Even if it's a one hit wonder, it's still pretty powerful to know that when you know what you want you can get it, or that when you ask for help you need you can receive it. It would be great if he was around all the time, but it will also be great to accomplish some other stuff and know the difference between wasting my time and really being in a situation with potential.

Working a Plan

So I was thinking on the flight home how the internet thing makes me feel, especially in light of meeting someone of quality, so I'm turning in the passwords for a while. I think I'll try to go until Nov. and just focus on myself, training, kids, work, meeting people in other ways and see if that works. I need to value my time more, I need to have the real feeling inside that I can wait and never settle. I guarantee this blogs going to get more complaint oriented....Why don't men like me, I'll never have sex again, etc. But I'm going to use it to avoid the other sites. Oh! I could even block them, like when keith gets in trouble and I block myspace.

Officially Sad

So last night was the awards dinner which went fast but sucked. (I need to insert the fact that I looked pretty awesome, hopefully Tets got some pictures). Noone on our teams made it-and we were totally ignored. So after dinner went for drinks with usual group plus JD, Sofie Gwen. I just don't get what's going on in company right now and what the options are for me to sell anything in the next year. Also it makes me doubt all that I've been doing, a few months of being distracted by divorce and my guilt gets me thinking I haven't been doing stuff right. So I can try and do stuff right, but the executives at work have just totally converted to total A holes...it's the total white man club, and they don't care what it feels like for everyone else because they are in charge. It's getting to the point that I am not sure how to make Dan and Tets think all is well. Whatever. I'm going to stay home for a few days and get my head together on work, and try and do some work from home on the more conceptual stuff. Hopefully that will help me find the ray of light.

So super cute guy is pretty awesome and that makes me officially sad. I don't want to go back to meeting idiots from the internet. His team went big on the awards and they were out celebrating, but he came to find me, I joined them there, big group so easy to have fun, Tets Dan and Ethan were there too. A little before 1 I decided to call it, and said goodnight, he said he was going to join me soon. But it took a long time, he kept txting and finally got away. it's a little tough when all your peeps want you to stay out all night and celebrate. When he got to my room he told me he's going to quit and work for the company that's stealing all our people. Which surprises me, doesn't seem to be all that from what I've heard, but he had it all figured out. He's going to work their Chicago area. So we laid around and talked and slept a little, he had to leave for the airport by 4 so had to leave my room by 3 to get ready.

If I wasn't at the airport now sitting at a gate in vegas I would be a total crying mess. I just want something like that around all the time, not in an instant relationship sort of way, but as an option to date and get to know. His raising the bar makes it seem event tougher to uncover that at home. He's going to do the bike ride with us in October, so I do look forward to kicking ass on the workouts until then and looking even more amazing by then. What's the BCS here? Long distance what? I know he likes me but it's in the context of this doesn't work logistically. FUCK.

Round II

The sales meeting content is done, now we have a few hours, then awards dinner which will be at total bust.
Last night I turned in early, my eyes have been totally bugging me. FYI don't get toothpaste on your contacts. And of course me feet were killing me. So the super cute one was checking on me after I left and we went for round II which was better than round I. I saw myself not opening up to him, I guess I have had a one night stand or 2 and don't want to put myself out there and have the movie of it playing back in my head when I never hear from the guy again. I see that is probably one of the reasons your supposed to get to know someone before you sleep with them....but it always seems to go in reverse order for me. Anyway we'll see, we went shopping today and talked a bit more. If there's a round III I'll relax a little. It makes me sad a little because he's awesome and would be awesome to hang out with but I get to go home and start all over....wrong attitude I guess, but it feels a little melancholy. Also I think some of the closed up stuff comes from not being able to share anything with Lindsey ever....not since work husband have I had that in a male, sexual way. So now more shopping the amazing shoes I bought are too good for the dress I brought, so new dress required.

Descretion required

Its the end of day 2 of our sales meeting, it's such a stereo typical event, like the paper convention on the office, the party suite all of that. I am not sure if it makes me gay to love my job and to generally like the people here and around me, I don't think it is really. You have to like it to make all parts of your life work.

so word is out that I am not married any more, and it is a different experience I had a guy who's a VP at a partner company txt me his room number (!). Another also recently divorced colleague put the moves on, and a 3rd who I really was at least attracted to, possibly like, and I took him up on it. So no naming names here any more, just in case, but it was pretty cool, not just the sex but he's super hot, doesn't really know it, and we have a lot in common. He doesn't live anywhere near me, but if I met a guy like this online, I'd hang up my password. So we've been emailing all day, fun cute, not too racy, I am totally up for a repeat, but will try and play it cool. and by cool I mean not get too drunk and drag him upstairs with me. Anything less than that is a total option.