It's funny how the repetition of school kind of reset my guard to a weaker point. After school hours are full of shuffling. Home from school, on to appointments or activities. I think about leaving Keith at home for some of it, but can't let my guard down. I am suspicious of him almost all the time. He's getting away with something. He was too complacent tonight, no anxious energy. Even without Bella hear to torture (at her Dads) he should have been restless or looking for entertainment.
I know I'll find out, but I honestly don't want to. I don't want more tightening of the screws.
I am torn between wanting to create my own life, and not adding new destinations and things to do to the calendar which would make it easier to leave Keith unsupervised.
I'd also like to devote some time to the douchiness of the baby daddy. Not now I guess, but I am cataloging it for the near future.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
What Day Is It?
I have to stop and calculate the day. I am home alone. Bella is staying at her dad's (it's Sunday) and Keith wanted to stay at Nan's. He's been staying there often, but I don't push it because I know he is safe there, and I know he wants out from under me sometimes. He won't be able to stay over there on school nights (I might actually make it to Tuesday), and so he is tonight.
Yesterday was tense, he was trying to figure out how to get away getting some free time after school. Shut it down. Today we went to the movies and he and Martin started P90x.
There are a few things on my mind. I look at Lindsey and his GF's facebook daily. I also still know the password to his gmail. I find things I already know that reinforce my frustration with him. It's meaningless....he is who he is and will always do him the way he does now, but I want that ammunition which I never use. He's living happily (I gather). He seems to be. I am not happy though. There is no me+him equation for happiness, I never doubt that, but I make myself a little crazy every time I look. Which, again, is every day.
Also. I have some free time and there is no one to call and no one that calls. So that's still happening. When things are going with the kids I can say to myself that this is what I need to do, I need to focus on this, this is my life. But when they are gone the argument breaks. I guess I am little fucked up. I guess I already knew that. I guess I am not fixing it.
Yesterday was tense, he was trying to figure out how to get away getting some free time after school. Shut it down. Today we went to the movies and he and Martin started P90x.
There are a few things on my mind. I look at Lindsey and his GF's facebook daily. I also still know the password to his gmail. I find things I already know that reinforce my frustration with him. It's meaningless....he is who he is and will always do him the way he does now, but I want that ammunition which I never use. He's living happily (I gather). He seems to be. I am not happy though. There is no me+him equation for happiness, I never doubt that, but I make myself a little crazy every time I look. Which, again, is every day.
Also. I have some free time and there is no one to call and no one that calls. So that's still happening. When things are going with the kids I can say to myself that this is what I need to do, I need to focus on this, this is my life. But when they are gone the argument breaks. I guess I am little fucked up. I guess I already knew that. I guess I am not fixing it.
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