Something shamefull this way comes

There is something going on with my son that makes me feel sick and ashamed and as I struggle with it I do #1 problem solving first step-I google it. However on this topic I find nothing helpful. It's one of the few times I honestly wonder how many other people are struggling with the same issue, where are they and where can we get help?

My son is 14 and he smokes pot. I don't allow it, I punish it, I drug test him, but he smokes pot. I am really emotional about this issue and am shaking as I type this. My family has a long history with substance abuse, and this is a pandora's box. I found out today he has cheated the drug tests. Obviously my punishment strategy isn't working, but I can't stop fighting. My body is telling me to fight harder, I see images of a leash, of me sitting on him, anything to stop the cycle he's initiating.

I've read enough to know that rehab is not the place for him, he'd meet lots of people doing worse things than him and learn a lot of ways to end up worse off. Rehab and drug related counseling are an industry, a machine, and no one can stop the momentum of a child who says-I like it-I like the way it makes me feel. I feel happy when I do it, why would I stop?-which is the horrifying gist of our last conversation on the topic.

So my options seem to be-

Private School-Expensive to the point of crippling me financially
Moving-What about their Dad? What about childcare?

I took him to the Dr. who have him the weakest speech ever.

So that's it I guess. Anyone have any advice?

Great Advice-It doesn't have to be hard & I have arrived

I pay a lot for great advice, in the form of professional counseling. I have always viewed it as a hired advocate, a coach, an impartial yet dedicated ear. This week she was the bomb. I've been feeling blah about all the things I always feel blah about

1.Mom-she sucked and continues to remind of that
2. Life-feels like it's on pause-talking about same crap forever
3. Parenting-Enforce vs. Consult
4. Men-can't even give that a sound bit
5. Friends-I don't have enough reliable ones to constitute a social life, and I'm old and live in So Cal

So her great advice was to do something easy, not hard. In moments like this I have previously signed up for a marathon (w a fund raising obligation), a century bike ride, and Japanese class. I loved that advice because I loved the acknowledgment that she had been listening for the last 2 yrs. and because it just hit, it doesn't have to be hard. I invited all the women in OC or near OC that I know on FB to be in a book club, and the response was good enough to go forward. Nice! Possible social life enhancer.

I have long committed to go to Drinking Liberally and to work on Habitat with Humanity, but have yet to. Honestly, they feel hard (another great outcome of her advice). Going out and drinking and acting smart are beyond my comfort zone right now, and my gut says my comfort zone is what's right for me for now. Habitat for Humanity will happen, but isn't grounded in social activity, but in altruism, which is where it belongs. Work keeps getting in the way of orientation.

It doesn't have to be hard. I have arrived. 2 pieces of advice that really made a difference.

Over Inspired

It's a strange affliction. I have felt this way a few times in the last year and it's usually brought on by a book. Last year when I read What is the What by David Eggers I wanted sincerely to get involved with the foundation (www.valentinoachakdeng.org) but the best way to help seems to be with money. Logistics of shipping are very expensive and they are not local so business related hep is out of reach. So I didn't get involved.

I read another David Eggers book last week Zoutin and put more thought into the way they run their endeavors. Voice of Witness, McSweeny's and more produce great work, inspiring work and drive me to practice more critical thought and make more connections in the world. I want that in my life more often. My next reaction is to get pretty unfocused pretty quickly. I have friend in the early stages of Luekemia, I'll do a team in training event, that will fill this need. I'll sign Keith and I up for Habitat for Humanity.

Then I went to a friends booksigning (Next of Kin by Richard Rodriguez) and reading. Suddenly critical thought and analysis was right in my lap. I want to write! But it's such a cliche and very narcisistic, and unlikely to satisfy completely. Admitedly I am not writting for my own fullfillment, I'd be writting for the reaction phase as well. Never the way to start a quest for personal satisfaction.

Also there's the reality of my life. I am a single mom with a demanding work travel schedule and a teenage son who needs more than I am currently giving. Can I take a class? Can I make a committment for every Saturday for weeks or months?

Focusing the intention is the challenge. I want to consider what I can be passionate about vs. what I am interested in. Passionate about No Reservations, maybe not, passionate about ??? is the challenge.

I posted on my FB this weekend that I was over inspired. I got a great response-Take your daughter for a bike ride. My post about that had inspired a friend to do the same. Nice!

The Re Start

I've been a way a while, I wrote the other blog then I stopped because it was just about dating crap and I stopped dating. I have been motivated to start again, with more explicit objectives.

My analytical self, my academic self, my well thought out self. It's here and it's getting weak from lack of exercise.

Topics of interest
Parenting (specifically teen age boys)
Liberal Politics (defining myself as a liberal-where do I diverge-where do my beliefs come from)
Literature (please someone entertain my need to discuss books I love)
Film
Life
Career/dating/life for me