Look What I did today

I road my bike up Newport Coast. it took about 20 min but I did it! I didn't die!

Sunday=Procrastinate

I'm supposed to be studying Japanese right now, but am doing a good job of not doing it. I've got to sit with Tets for a few hours when we're in Japan and get some of this stuff committed to memory.
I need more homework and more deadlines to take it seriously. Sad but true.
I was reading Keiths Myspace messages. We really dodged a bullet, he was smoking pot and loosing friends, Alex was avoiding him, girls were judging him. Such a hard corner to turn, and I am just filled with pride and love that he did it. I got drunk once or twice at that age, sneaking liquor from a friends parents, but didn't smoke anything until sophomore year and all of that was pretty occasional, nothing on the regular. I wish I could just be home waiting for him to get home all the time, but it's just not possible, never would be.
So still off the internet dating! Yay me! Pretty much cold turkey for 1 week (not so long now that I type it out, long way to go to make it to the 90 day mark). I read the emails the sites send me and check out the pics, which just reinforces the desire to stay away from it. Some emails with super cute guy yesterday. Kind of a great place, I was asking for help to be where I am and the emails showed up. Very pragmatic but can't deny the hopefulness. I was feeling very lucky yesterday, gym and lunch w girl friends, falling right in my lap, stuff at home to keep me busy, a little sign that someone great might think I am too.

Nuthin

Saturday morning! First one home in a month! Slept in, hanging out with Bella, gonna meet Jenn and Evelyn at the gym. My back still hurts a little and I ate too much yesterday and don't know what I want to do before the gym. Eat? Protein Shake? I think I'll go out to eat after so not sure.

Last night was a little tough reading a book where everyone's falling in love and loving not being alone, and those magic minutes between awake or asleep are where it all gets messy and I'm not tough or strong. But this AM I am tough and strong, not bad to have an instant restart :)

I have a lot to do to get Keith ready for his trip and I'm trying to get some work done as well this week even though I'm taking a few days off. It'll happen. I wish I had someone to go on a tough bike ride with this weekend, I definitely work harder if someone else is around, but I am kinda looking forward to putting myself on Newport Coast alone. We'll see!

Bike Bike Bike bikety bike bike

The double workouts on Tuesdays are kicking my ass. About 1/2 into the bike ride in the evening's I am spent, I have a bit of wind, and then just try and finish respectably close to the rest of them. I love it though, hard to explain, it's all the things you shouldn't love. Awkward, hard, uncomfortable physically, I'm totally not the boss of it, but I love it. I think I need a new seat, ASAP, the girl parts are suffering. I went to the Dr today to be sure it wasn't anything else, but basically it's irritated with me, which is not a good place to be. I could totally have sex but totally not interested in doing it alone due to general discomfort.

What else? I've been trying to turn it up at work which may have some good results, Tets is super happy with his raise and new plan so I am really happy for him :):):) He wrote me the sweetest email about how he always thought 6 figures were for someone else, he never new it could happen.
Makes me feel pretty great to get him somewhere special.

Sometimes Thursday nights are tough. Thank goodness the bike ride keeps me busy until 8, then I go for ramen, then home, shower, sleep. But kids are gone, and it's tough. Hard to shake that someones not looking out for me when I feel I need it. I am still very grateful for what I have, what I've been shown, and I know it's all good, but a little lonely on Thursday night, I'm just sayin', is all

Today

It's Tuesday, the boys came over for dinner. First I just invited Mark, but then I thought Keith would think it was my boyfriend, so I invited Ethan, and then I wanted Tets to come, so it was the 4 of us. BBQ'd some fish, rice, salad, broccoli and a bottle of wine, desert-strawberries and angel food cake. Now it's almost bed time. I'm listening to Bella sing along to Miley Cirus. I'm going to have to record that tomorrow...it's too awesome to let it fade as memory only.

Asian guy's email again. Don't care. Other normal internet guy emailed after about 2 weeks which seems weird, like who has 2 weeks to wait around, but whatever. Don't care. Had an email from super cute guy, totally cared, it was short and sweet. I emailed him a pic of Tets and Ethan that he wanted, and sent a group email about the bike ride out. That's it. Part of me wants him to get to know me, wants him to read this. Wants all of that to boil up, but part of me is not motivated to make it happen, which is the part I am going with. Mark asked me if we were boyfriend and girlfriend. too funny. Anyway this is the part were my mind and my skills want to run with something, just for the sake of making it happen. But I can't, which feels like progress.

So best work out ever today. Spin was awesome. Working hard, and she came around off the bike and looked at me "What are you working for" "Make it happen, work harder, get it"I am amazed how that stuff works on me but it does, I almost started crying. Hearing myself inside saying I am working for ME and I am worth it, and I will do it, is amazing and powerful. and new. Never before was I able to hear myself love myself or achieve for my sake. Always for someone else. It's on!

Tets is leaving tomorrow AM for 1 month! I'll see him in 2 weeks, but so crazy. I gotta bust my ass while he's gone so I can show off ;-).

I Get It!

So here's a reason why the blog works. I was reading some of the stuff I had written last week. You know the part were I asked for someone with real chemistry and connection....well I got that. Even if it's a one hit wonder, it's still pretty powerful to know that when you know what you want you can get it, or that when you ask for help you need you can receive it. It would be great if he was around all the time, but it will also be great to accomplish some other stuff and know the difference between wasting my time and really being in a situation with potential.

Working a Plan

So I was thinking on the flight home how the internet thing makes me feel, especially in light of meeting someone of quality, so I'm turning in the passwords for a while. I think I'll try to go until Nov. and just focus on myself, training, kids, work, meeting people in other ways and see if that works. I need to value my time more, I need to have the real feeling inside that I can wait and never settle. I guarantee this blogs going to get more complaint oriented....Why don't men like me, I'll never have sex again, etc. But I'm going to use it to avoid the other sites. Oh! I could even block them, like when keith gets in trouble and I block myspace.

Officially Sad

So last night was the awards dinner which went fast but sucked. (I need to insert the fact that I looked pretty awesome, hopefully Tets got some pictures). Noone on our teams made it-and we were totally ignored. So after dinner went for drinks with usual group plus JD, Sofie Gwen. I just don't get what's going on in company right now and what the options are for me to sell anything in the next year. Also it makes me doubt all that I've been doing, a few months of being distracted by divorce and my guilt gets me thinking I haven't been doing stuff right. So I can try and do stuff right, but the executives at work have just totally converted to total A holes...it's the total white man club, and they don't care what it feels like for everyone else because they are in charge. It's getting to the point that I am not sure how to make Dan and Tets think all is well. Whatever. I'm going to stay home for a few days and get my head together on work, and try and do some work from home on the more conceptual stuff. Hopefully that will help me find the ray of light.

So super cute guy is pretty awesome and that makes me officially sad. I don't want to go back to meeting idiots from the internet. His team went big on the awards and they were out celebrating, but he came to find me, I joined them there, big group so easy to have fun, Tets Dan and Ethan were there too. A little before 1 I decided to call it, and said goodnight, he said he was going to join me soon. But it took a long time, he kept txting and finally got away. it's a little tough when all your peeps want you to stay out all night and celebrate. When he got to my room he told me he's going to quit and work for the company that's stealing all our people. Which surprises me, doesn't seem to be all that from what I've heard, but he had it all figured out. He's going to work their Chicago area. So we laid around and talked and slept a little, he had to leave for the airport by 4 so had to leave my room by 3 to get ready.

If I wasn't at the airport now sitting at a gate in vegas I would be a total crying mess. I just want something like that around all the time, not in an instant relationship sort of way, but as an option to date and get to know. His raising the bar makes it seem event tougher to uncover that at home. He's going to do the bike ride with us in October, so I do look forward to kicking ass on the workouts until then and looking even more amazing by then. What's the BCS here? Long distance what? I know he likes me but it's in the context of this doesn't work logistically. FUCK.

Round II

The sales meeting content is done, now we have a few hours, then awards dinner which will be at total bust.
Last night I turned in early, my eyes have been totally bugging me. FYI don't get toothpaste on your contacts. And of course me feet were killing me. So the super cute one was checking on me after I left and we went for round II which was better than round I. I saw myself not opening up to him, I guess I have had a one night stand or 2 and don't want to put myself out there and have the movie of it playing back in my head when I never hear from the guy again. I see that is probably one of the reasons your supposed to get to know someone before you sleep with them....but it always seems to go in reverse order for me. Anyway we'll see, we went shopping today and talked a bit more. If there's a round III I'll relax a little. It makes me sad a little because he's awesome and would be awesome to hang out with but I get to go home and start all over....wrong attitude I guess, but it feels a little melancholy. Also I think some of the closed up stuff comes from not being able to share anything with Lindsey ever....not since work husband have I had that in a male, sexual way. So now more shopping the amazing shoes I bought are too good for the dress I brought, so new dress required.

Descretion required

Its the end of day 2 of our sales meeting, it's such a stereo typical event, like the paper convention on the office, the party suite all of that. I am not sure if it makes me gay to love my job and to generally like the people here and around me, I don't think it is really. You have to like it to make all parts of your life work.

so word is out that I am not married any more, and it is a different experience I had a guy who's a VP at a partner company txt me his room number (!). Another also recently divorced colleague put the moves on, and a 3rd who I really was at least attracted to, possibly like, and I took him up on it. So no naming names here any more, just in case, but it was pretty cool, not just the sex but he's super hot, doesn't really know it, and we have a lot in common. He doesn't live anywhere near me, but if I met a guy like this online, I'd hang up my password. So we've been emailing all day, fun cute, not too racy, I am totally up for a repeat, but will try and play it cool. and by cool I mean not get too drunk and drag him upstairs with me. Anything less than that is a total option.

Guess where I am

I'm at the airport. Admirals Club OC, trying to wake up with some iced coffee. I haven't been sleeping for shit lately. My back hurts, my mind is working on something, so for the last 2 nights I have gotten up around 130 and have been awake until after 3. When the alarm goes off I am usually sound asleep, but from 11-3 it's not good. I think I am going to take some preemptive tylenol on days when I ride the bike or go to spin.

Keith stayed at Nans last night, they made it to No Cal by lunch time, so he's all under control for now. Bella stayed late at school and I dropped her suitcase of at lindseys on my way to the airport.

I am still pretty obsessively checking my email. I sent my match profile to Dennis's girlfriend for some analysis and revisions, but I guess it's still too intense. I told Dennis to re write it for me, as long as he doesn't try to make me stupid or mention anal sex. I haven't been contacted by anyone from that site in weeks. I am emailing with the hot asian guy, who is really into mountain biking, but nothing is moving towards meeting. I am slightly concerned he may not be attracted to me in person, so we might as well move it to that point and see what happens. I shouldn't be worried about it, but some of his biking pics had some petite girls in the pics, and going with the familiarity rule, I would not be that type.

I am trying to think of what drives me to keep checking the email even though I know it doesn't result in anything. Obviously 99% of the time there is no new messages, and even when there is I sit on it for hours before responding. I feel like some of the correspondence is a reflection of me, or who I am projecting to be based on the response I am getting from the other person. It's a reflection I like, but it's weird, like I am liking the person I might be in there presence. I'm not quite getting that right, but it's a close description.

Anyway I am going to be on good behavior during these meetings, show up on time, keep my mouth shut and keep the drinking to a minimum. Hopefully I'll find some time to work out, if not I'm just going to practice switching around the eating. Today is a good example of doing it right, breakfast, shabu shabu for lunch. I've got about 700 calories left, so more than 1/2 done by the middle of the day.

More Tuesday

Another gratuitous Will Ferrel pic to keep my spirits up.

WTF is with kids? I got keith already to go up north with nan and ed. Ed wanted him to take his fin, skateboard and gear. Came home to get it together, can't find helmet, can't find skateboard (!). I called him and he said, after much prodding he left the skateboard in the bushes at the corner the other day when he didn't want to ride it home from Christians. That is BS, he left it there so if he sneaks out he can have it with out making noise. Doood, since when can you treat your stuff that your mom buys you like total garbage. I am honestly hurt buy things like that everytime they happen. Then I regain my resolve and keep my guard up and just get pissed. Fucking teenagers. Does he think I'll ever let him drive a car if he hided is current modes of transport in bushes? Fuck that.

Anyway I am all worked up about that. I drove around like an idiot this afternoon, I thought I had an appointment with the counselor, but no that would be tomorrow, which I cannot make, so I had to reschedule for next week. I was hoping to unload a bunch of shit there today too, but I can manage another week. Drove to get sarah's graduation gift, get keith a decent shirt to wear to it and ate with the kids (who were pretty shitty during the whole thing-FYI). Came home, packed for him, got stuff out of the car, new stuff in the car, gassed up the car, drove over there, switched cars with nan, came home for skateboard incident.

also went to the gym today...there was an earthquake while I was there. The watch is pretty cool tracks all calories and heart rate. I still have to figure out how to eat more in the first 1/2 of the day. I was negative calories after spin. One of the things the instructor does which totally works on me is tells you to imagine your obstacles and beat them up a hill. I totally was imaging this idea that I am lonely riding next to me, me getting a head, it catches up and finally I leave it behind. Sounds so new age and lame but it always works on me, leaving me with the feeling that I can beat anything.

so now I have to pack for myself and get ready for 4 days in vegas. I can't even figure out what to wear tomorrow on the plane, how will I figure out what to pack?

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Productivity!

I'm home today getting some stuff done. Me and the kids are all going somewhere next week and none of us together, so we gotta get the laundry done, packed, straightened up. I got shit to do! so far I've had keith clean his room, 2 loads of laundry (not folded), dishes, unpacked, back of car cleaned up (offshoot of the garage getting straightened up so I had room to do laundry. I've got to put my clothes away, fold laundry, bella's room. O! I also went to the store. I have to pick her up from school, then she has some $ she wants to spend at the disney store. Busy. much to busy to go to work today.

Last night I put my bike on the trainer and road for a while and watched the end of the tour de france. I was sweating immediately, and according to the new watch burned about 300 calories in 35 min. Pretty damn good. It's super loud though....I'm gonna take the bike outside this afternoon and try and track the calories with the watch. Will definitely make me work harder, it better burn as much as being inside.

Nothing else really, got an email this AM from the Asian guy, I think he has a girl friend, what else can explain no email on the weekend. I guess I'll just ask, but there's no real reason for me to care.

I am starting to really hate the celebrity BS of Us magazine and TMZ and all that shit that I read every day. I haven't stopped but, doood it makes me feel dumber everytime I do it. It's so misogynistic and retarded. It has no value, barely entertainment. Just feeds the need for imformation. Imagine if I put as much into gathering info about darfur, climate change, my health, parenting. Dood I'm feeling like an ass right now. I'd totally speak Japanese by now if I put as much time into that as gossip.

Killing Airport Time

I've got about 45 min until my flight leaves and I've got no status on Alaskan, so I'm sitting at the gate. I didn't sleep well last night, I had a really weird dream. It was like Kafka on the Shore so I know how it came about, but I felt really scared (in the dream) and like I had to protect the kids-somehow Marie was in it too. I hate it when people recount their dreams, but the weird part is my horoscope this morning said that I had a dream that's hard to shake today.

I was in the room last night, watching TV and semi obsessively checking for email/sms messages. I realized I'm lonely. I don't know why that is hard to say or accept, but it is. I'm sure that's why I do the online dating thing even though it doesn't really accomplish anything, the communication part makes me feel less lonely while it's happening. I'm far away from home, sometimes with friends sometimes not, and it's nice to believe someones wondering about me. Even it if is basically strangers. I am not sure how to get around that, I can accept it, which I think I do, but obviously I'm not surrendering to it, which I think I have to, to really learn from it. When I sit here and think about it the only thing that comes to mind is-- Why? Why doesn't someone care about me? Why doesn't someone want to know what the fuck is going on with me? I know there are plenty of people in my life who care about me, but their roles are specific. Kids-Friends-Family, none are naturally inclined to put me at the top of their list. I don't want to feel like this forever, but at the same time it seems essentially selfish. Can I really expect that from anyone? Especially someone I don't even know? I have to find that person? Wow! I'm not sure what to think of that. I'm going to take the Billie Holiday approach, Good Morning Heartache Sit Down. It's not all that dramatic, but maybe if I just sit with it a while I'll find the lesson.

Anyway, should be an easy flight home I'm going to get a pedicure then got to japanese class...Im thinking of asking lindsey if the kids cans stay with me tonight, but I'm not sure. I don't want to act like my travel is his issue to work with, and I don't know what Bella would prefer. He has them so little he should do some work, but I miss them. I'd also like to ride the bike after class. I guess I'll wait until I get home and then figure it out.

Washington Boondoggle

I'm in Olympia today for the ImageSource thing. Yesterday Tets and I drove to seattle and walked around a little, ate lunch, went to the first starbucks, and then fought traffic for 2-3 hours getting to Olympia, I didn't realize how far it was from seattle. The trip to the airport in the morning is going to suck for an 830 flight. I gotta take it easy tonight. Last night we went to a bar-big surprise-but it was good fun. I never talk to Ed Figeroa at work and did for a while last night as well as Kevin and Andi, got some work stuff done to with Dexter.

I realized the other day that this is the first time ever I have believed that I am going to be successful at changing my body. I don't just believe it I actually know it, it's a huge monumental difference and it feels amazing knowing that I am supporting myself inside out. It sounds so trite to write it, but it is a fundamental change.

Feeling a little guilty being away from home, I think about keith and how much time he's spending alone and I don't like it. He's not alone but stopping by the house to get stuff and I'm not there :( I'll be around when he is until school starts and then we'll get back into a home based routine.

No big woop

First of all someone read my blog! A stranger! I think I flagged something Japan, and she must of done a blog search. Crazy! Made me want to have other people read it, but of course selectively, strangers only. Knife licker emailed me and I told him there wasn't a connection, good luck and good bye. I am relieved! So weird how every interaction is some how a step in the right direction, exercising discretion, not settling, saying no and walking. Seems so simple but I had no idea how to do that in the past.

I went to Yoga today which is just what my body was asking for 24hr fitness yoga kinda sucks but I over spent last this month, so don't need to be spending $15 for above average yoga right now. The instructor was a tiny cute Asian girl. I though she might be japanese, but as soon as she started talking it was like that episode of Seinfeld where they go to the nail shop, she was tough to understand, like a cartoon Chinese person. Anyway my legs and back are much happier now than they were this morning. Tomorrow is Spin and Bike ride...I asked Maleah about training me and she said yes. So I'm going to have to prepare to get my ass kicked. She's all about changing the eating habits too, so that's gonna be tough, but also get some great results. It's amazing that this is finally going to happen. I am really going to get completely fit. After all these years, I am doing it.

I went with Tets and Takemura and Mac to Stray Cats last night. Really good seats, Tets was in heaven. Said he thought they only existed in the TV. They were such a big deal in Japan, I am sure that has something to do with the current state of his hair :). I guess Lindsey was there last night too, which is funny, I originally didn't want to go because I thought he'd be there, and said Fuck It, done accommodating him. Something else that makes me feel like there's progress, I went, nothing to hide, no drama, and he can see it for himself.

I bought 2 tickets to foo fighters in LV in Sept. Not sure why I went through with it. Will need someone to go with, and will have to go to Vegas. Maybe I'll have a date worthy guy around by then. Can't take Keith, 21 and over only.

So that's it....2 possible internet guys left. 1 Asian guy who's pretty racy in his profile on Chemistry and one kinda middle eastern looking guy who I contacted who's been good in the communication. I shut off Yahoo...Chemistry and Match are gonna come up for renewal any day. I guess I'll kill Match and just go with the flow on Chemistry. Good practice, and nothing else is happening (yet).

Paranioa and Knife Licking

Yesterday I got all paranoid and weird that people could read the blog, that Tets or Ethan or Dennis found it and were acting differently, so I hid it, but dude a little weird that I should care that much. I made me see again that what is going on with Tets inside my head or as a silent dance partner is much different than the reality. The reminders are good because I don't need to go around acting like a 14 year old girl writing notes, or pining away for someone that isn't there and who shouldn't be.

I went to lunch with an internet guy yesterday. He looked heavy in his photos which was honestly a good thing. But then when I saw him he was heavier in person, and he had the eating habits of a fat woman. I mean believe me I know the signs of food abuse. He licked his knife after cutting something. I should've put a stop to it immediately but I was focused on not discriminating against him for being fat. I know for sure I wouldn't be attracted to him sexually, I'd always see the knife licking and the straw using (what man does that?), so now I have to say no to seeing him again after acting like I wanted to. Lesson learned, think about it before moving on. I am so relieved to get the knife licking off my chest, it was really bothering me.

I sent off the email to Ikeda and his family last night with some details about keith for his trip. keith stayed home last night and we watched a movie which was nice. I told him how proud I was of him for making the changes I've seen over the summer. I hope we can keep doing what we're doing and get him through the next year better than the last. His Dad's so non existent as an influence, he totally doesn't get it. I guess it's enough to for keith to know he's there and that he loves him.

This weekend is the imagesource party, I am glad I'm going, just some good fun, with the A team crew.

Saturday

Last night little miss stayed over with Nan at one of Nans friends. Keith and I went out to dinner at cheesecake factory, his choice and to a movie. It was really nice just to do that with the 2 of us. At dinner the waiter asked Keith if I was his mom, he said yes, waiter said-Your Mom's Hot. So funny, Keith didn't seem to thrilled with that. Obviously I was flattered. Movie was fine, Keith was tired and wanted to leave early.

Lunch was good with the guy from Chemistry. Way better looking than he was online. Easy to talk to, we'll see. Also there's a random guy from Yahoo, talked on the phone today, maybe lunch on Monday. Gotta keep the pipeline moving. Tomorrow is the fair with the work peeps. Should be fun, I just hope Lindsey doesn't take the kids, that would be awkward for all.

I was telling Tets about the changes in my measurements (1 1/2 off hips, 3/4 off arms, 1/2 of thighs in 1 month!) he sent me a txt that was really happy and nice, and said "love u more"?!?! probably some engrish, but always makes me realize what kind of relationship my subconscious thinks I have with him. NG...definitely going to get in the way of having a real boyfriend, if I have work boyfriend, which sounds familiar. Work husband got in the way of real husband.

Before Bella got home this afternoon I went on a long bike ride, which felt great. Now of course she's glued to me. Which is lovely, but the absence of it while being at home wasn't bad either. When they are with their dad it's always late in the day, so no day hour experience.

Whatever-Fuck all y'all motherfuckers

I am not sure what's going on today. I got up early since the kids were with their Dad I figured I'd get to work early, but now it's 10:30 and I have most of my work done and I'm sleepy. So obviously I am working towards getting the rest of my work done ;)

We have a training thing in Belgium on Sept 15 and I was trying to extend it a week for Dan Tets and I to make it Oktoberfest, which I assumed was the same week, but it starts on Saturday the 20th and I want to be home, I don't want to be anywhere for 8 or 9 days. Tets is all about Danny going, which would fucking suck if I went because it would be direct repeat of the whole smoking asian boys club of Japan. I told him I couldn't do that, if Danny went then I should stay home, there's no reason for the 3 of us to be in Europe together that the 2 of them couldn't accomplish.
Whatever. Jenn came and asked me what was with he and I yesterday. She was in my office with him and Mennsman, and he was snappy with me. I would guess it's because I'm a little ADD when Marks around, I want to get all the info, and we have a very different short hand than Tets and I do, Whatever. Fuck all y'all motherfuckers. I am not sure why all of that is so aggravating to me. I think Tets is chasing Danny's affection (jealous!) because he left him, but I don't want to be best supporting actress. I am best Lead Actress in a Comedy/Drama.

So I have lunch with a random internet guy, from Chemistry. Should be all right, definitely more upstream in the job area, which will be a nice change. It's a strange balance between who I perceive myself to be instantly compatible with vs. the reality. He's kinda goofy looking in the photos, reminds me of this guy I used to work with who was all ass kisser, hopefully it's slightly different in person.

Work work work workity work work

Not much to report here. At work, getting a lot done over the last few days. Realizing I wasn't doing enough in the last month or so, which is a vicious cycle of feeling unproductive and being unproductive, so I think I have broken that. I haven't spoken with Tets about the whole Onsen incident. He has been camping out in my office a lot, but that's the Mom factor I think. I went to some team meetings in the other building, and started product managing, and I realized how much I missed the job, the social aspect of the other building and being involved in the day to day stuff is hard to do with out :(

I was emailing with the fireman from yahoo a lot while I was gone, but completely lost the desire to meet him, now we've rescheduled a few times and it seems easier to imagine now.

Housebound Madness

I'm home today, Nan's still sick. Little Miss went to school until 11:45, I went for a quick bike ride, and then a friend came over to play with her, which is good they are pretty self entertaining. It's pretty maddening to be home. I didn't have any coffee this morning (poor planning on my part) and now I'm sleepy and have a headache. I've been getting as much work done as I would in the office, which isn't saying all that much these days.

I was doing my usual internet rounds and saw this guy who looked at my profile on Match. I went out with him in Feb after meeting him on Chemistry. I really liked him and was so new to the online thing, so young and naive with youthful optimism. He seemed great, from Santa Ana, similar musical tastes, easy to talk to, I was attracted to him and it seemed mutual. Lots of texting and phone calls. So 2nd date rolls around, comes to my house to pick me up, dinner kinda sucked (bad service) but he totally made up for it by going through the taco bell drive through after. Back to my house. I was really distracted, felt like the neighbors were watching (lame), and a lot of things were coming up. I mad at the ex for being a jerk and not doing the simplest things that this guy was doing, like opening doors, being interested in what I said, etc. So something was off in the bedroom, but it wasn't just me. He wasn't finishing...and then it turns out he can only finish by himself (!). His wife left him for another woman, and it was obvioulsy something he was hung up on because it came up a little too often. So next day a few nice txts, then one saying we need to talk. He called eventually and said he wanted to know what was going on with me that night, I wasn't there, and I wasn't, but dude, I wasn't the only one who had some other stuff going on. He ended up telling me that was the only way he could finish, and he wasn't really looking for a relationship. I forgot the "I'm an in the moment kinda guy comment" that came out once I had my clothes off. All the phone calls before 2nd date were great, lots of forward talking, really seemed like that's the way good stuff starts out, but not so much. So basically I never spoke to him again, a few txt's initiated by me (before I knew better). I was really angry about it for a long time, unnaturally long given the reality of the situation. I did add to my list of must haves the ability to complete sex vaginally in his honor. So now he's on Match, and knows I'm on Match. I doubt he'll contact me, but I so want to send him a flamer, just to let him know all his crimes against women kind...."I'm one of the good guys" all of that BS. Good guys don't live in the moment and bring up their now guy wife during every conversation with a new woman. I don't feel too angry now, but the aggravation of it all lives on :)

Last Night in Japan

I was in Japan until Saturday, on Friday night all of us took the train to Osaka to have dinner with Tets's family. Dinner was nice, everyone trying their best to get to know each other. Tets's Dad suggested we all go to the Onsen, which I figured I could handle, it would be boys and girls separate, so the worst would be me seeing Tets's sister and mother naked and vice versa. So we go and it's pretty awkward. Tets's sister asked me about spa's in the US and if everyones body was more like mine. Ouch. So we go for massages and someone is telling Naoko something about me in Japanese....we get the massages and then sit in the relaxation room. Naoko goes to get in the jacuzzi again, and she tells me I cannot go because I have tattoos, that it's not allowed. Ouch x2.

I wait for her then get dressed/dry my hair etc. We're supposed to meet the men at a designated time, but an hour and half goes by with no word so we walk back to the hotel. about 30 min later there's a txt from Tets saying he didn't know what happened with the time etc. I was really upset, it was so uncomfortable to be in the situation in the first place, and then everything else. Tets has such a bad record with being on time etc, that it felt like disregard. I was hurt. Went to bed, next morning up and ready at designated meeting time, Danny arrives, Tets and Takemura don't. Danny calls and their asleep. Again, the total disregard of time. So Danny and I navigate the trains back to Shinegawa and then the bus and then the airport. Tets txtd and said he was going to come to Narita-which is 5 hrs away from Osaka, and a total waste of his day, I replied not to, it was a waste of his time. Just as we were going through security Danny said Tets was trying to get there but he was still on the Shikansen which is still 2+ hours away, so kinda BS. So there's a lot of reasons I feel upset about it, the week was kinda Boys Time and I felt it, although Danny and Tets were both really sick there's still a lot of smoke breaks where they are making business decisions with out discussing it with me, and lots of times where I feel left out. Also I am aware I have unrealistic expectations on my relationship with Tets....I am clear what kind of relationship it is, but at the same time it meets other needs, and when my needs aren't met it brings up a lot of other junk. I think I'm doing my dance with him and instead of just stopping, I just pause. The worst is I can totally visualize myself dancing like the SNL guys and he's just standing there. So stupid. I've given him a lot of say in my life, and need to stop that, but still somehow balance a healthy friendship and work partnership. I think I do have a right to be mad and hurt but can't really have these kind of expectations, so I'm going to try and figure it out.

Made it home without incident. So tired yesterday but OK today. Today was first day of Japanese class, jumped right in, with writing and some sentence structure. I've got to try and rearrange some travel so I don't miss too many classes.

What else? Some internet prospects have popped up but I have no positive or negative feelings so I am not sure if it'll work out or if it's worth my time...we'll see.

Today the blogging thing seems gay. Day 2 of PFU technical training. Tets and Danny were both sick yesterday, they saw the Dr. at PFU and today Danny was better but Tets was still sick.

I was pretty useless in the training, as I was not the presenter and I do not speak Japanese....I should have thought of something more productive to do. They pretty much forget I am around and it makes me wonder if I have been too lazy at work lately and they think they don't need me anymore (!)-totally possible, they need to be independent and survive without me, but I could be on the verge of a revolt if I don't reinstate my value.

When they go out and smoke and generally forget I exist instantly makes me a pouty girl, which I hate to admit and hate to notice, I tried to just experience it and let it go today, not dwelling on it. It seems like I have to remind myself not to do all my old dances anymore. I am sure that will be the case for a lifetime.

Tonight we're having dinner with a friend of Tets to try and get some ideas for good international japan/us businesses/services/Import/Export. I gotta figure out what's next for me and maximize what I've learned so far.

Last night was just right, light dinner (!) a first for me in Japan, the boys had eaten before they left Korea, then to Penguin Jacks, first time for Danny and Takemura, then RAMEN!!! From the little cart out front of the steps that go to the bar. It was good. No beer but Sochu and 4-5 burbons (ouch). Not sure what would've become of me if I kept going. One of those times where it just smacks you all at once, luckily we were on the way back to the hotel by that time.

Went to the gym for a little bit this morning, now this and then clean up and breakfast and work. Its raining pretty heavy right now. The first stop is just outside the hotel, a covered 2 min walk, but 2nd location is a train or two away and a 3 block walk....Swassy!

I'm in Tokyo until Friday, then quick trip to Osaka and back home on Saturday. The flight over was good, got my upgrade, so I was comfortable. The fact that you can only have one position while in coach seems like a form of torture, one that I will endure on the return trip.

I read Eat Pray Love on the way over, a book I've been avoiding for about a year, but I really liked it. I always get weepy on long flights, which is strange because you are not alone, everyone around can see what's going on with you. So the tears are awkward, I had to go into the bathroom and give myself a pep talk in the mirror. I did realize though that the whole on line dating thing is looking for someone to make me feel like everything is going to be OK. So much has happened in the last year, I never talk to the ex, only about the kids and mostly by txt, the problems and anxiety of ending the relationship has left a big vacuum and I know I had the expectation that by ending the marriage a new relationship or a fulfilling social life would magically appear. So it hasn't and that's OK, I know the other idea was a fantasy. I also know that I am OK, the worst has happened, I'm better than before. No stranger on the internet can give that to me. I have to give it to myself. So I think I can do that.

I may be able to separate the "Make me feel OK" desires from other ones, but that takes some more thought. I always remember this talk T and I had in a cab a few months ago (in Korea 'cause I'm an international business woman), we was talking about what he thought he wanted, and realizing it might not happen, Kids, Marriage, etc...the way he said And That's OK, was so full of surrender, the best kind. I hope I can have that too.

Anyway I have a rare few hours to myself here. I sent my laundry to get cleaned and they have called about 20 times to verify the cost and the delivery time. There is such as thing as too much service! So I'll clean up and then hit the streets on my own. Which probably means the train station but good enough.

I kinda get why I am doing this, and why no one else has to read it or know it exists...it's like a diary. I obviously need an outlet and this seems better than some of the alternatives.

So today I cleaned up after 4th of July stuff. Laundry, starting to pack for the trip tomorrow, ran some errands like bank, gas, dropped of soccer registration, caught the boy riding around without his helmet. Went to Macy's and experienced the hell of bathing suit shopping.

I have been working out for 5 days a week for a month (and for so long before that too...) gave up beer (took up white wine) dropped soda and kid's junk food but really my body is the same as far as I can tell. And I am always tired. I am not sure they are related, but dooood. I'd love something to budge a little. Went to E's pool and Jenn was there. OMG!!! I can't believe how distracting she is in a bathing suit. I thought I was going gay. Never in my entire life have I looked like that. But Fuck it, I still went in the pool.

So I hate everyone on the internet, they hate me too, so we are even. I've got to get some experience talking to men other places. I told T I was going to force him to go to bars with lots of white guys in Japan we'll see. Some how I think it won't happen. I'll end up basking in the supposed glow of his supposed attention. Sound familiar?
Nothing else really.Quick bike ride to remind me I'm alive, packing, etc.

Oh yeah.sometimes M makes me mad. It's like she only pays attention to her own feelings. When we are on the phone we have our moments of fun and brilliance, but generally, I feel like I carry the support ball.

I'm going to go cold turkey on constant email checking tomorrow, hopefully no seizures or other hard core symptoms.

Its the 4th of July

It getting late here on the 4th of July, little miss is dramatically emphasizing her fear of fire works, the boy is in bed. I am wondering if a bottle of wine is better or worse than 4-5 beers (calorically). Also in the previous posts I realize my spelling is hideous and google should work harder to correct me.

No love from the internet or from the French guy. Whatever. I would like to know what my "options" are in the near future, but I need to get over it. Why is it you can look at some random guy and think you are good match and some how expect him to have the same impression based on a snarky 1000 words or less sum of who you are? There is something clearly insane about that, but somehow since I cannot put the answer into a sound bite I continue. It's like I'm struggling not to drown, but I already know surrender is the only way. Surrender will come and then what? I forget about companionship, sex, potential partnership?....I guess I'll know soon enough.

The boy didn't want to be here today. He only wants to be with his friends and their houses. It makes me sad he's not enjoying his life at home, he's going down my road of separate existences. Not good. I can only gently offer the other options.

I am ready for bed but don't want to sleep w little miss in my bed :( too much snoring. I also don't want to move her, potential melt down.

I am an addict in the making....

Doood...a few hours in and I am posting again. Bad sign. I went on a bike ride today with a ladies group from a bike shop by work. The leader is my spin instructor and today was my worst nightmare, up a big hill that always kicks my ass with her in front of me. I wasn't last (just 2nd to last), finished up the rest of the hilly 18 miles and then went straight for Ramen, all dressed in the worst out fit ever....bike close with pockets across the back. But Ramen is worth it. Total.Satisfaction. Spicy Ramen w Tofu and Nori, gyoza and a small beer. Now I'm home, alone. Little Miss is with her dad and the boy is out w friends, up to no good I am sure. I am contemplating a shower, an ice cream sandwich and strategies to break my online dating site surfing habit. DVR and or a book I guess....I need to put my phone away too. Too much easy access to the internet and the need for male attention to make me feel good. At least my blog loves me :)

You Know How I know I'm Gay?

I started blogging about 5 years too late, and with the hope of absolutely no readership. I guess I'm tired of discussing my "feelings" with friends....probably tired of their logical suggestions for actions that may change my feelings or state of mind. Who needs that anyway?

Basically I am a little bored at work, looking for some answers, and since I know everything I should find them here. God forbid my coworkers or kids find it, so until then....