What Day Is It?

I have to stop and calculate the day. I am home alone. Bella is staying at her dad's (it's Sunday) and Keith wanted to stay at Nan's. He's been staying there often, but I don't push it because I know he is safe there, and I know he wants out from under me sometimes. He won't be able to stay over there on school nights (I might actually make it to Tuesday), and so he is tonight.

Yesterday was tense, he was trying to figure out how to get away getting some free time after school. Shut it down. Today we went to the movies and he and Martin started P90x.

There are a few things on my mind. I look at Lindsey and his GF's facebook daily. I also still know the password to his gmail. I find things I already know that reinforce my frustration with him. It's meaningless....he is who he is and will always do him the way he does now, but I want that ammunition which I never use. He's living happily (I gather). He seems to be. I am not happy though. There is no me+him equation for happiness, I never doubt that, but I make myself a little crazy every time I look. Which, again, is every day.

Also. I have some free time and there is no one to call and no one that calls. So that's still happening. When things are going with the kids I can say to myself that this is what I need to do, I need to focus on this, this is my life. But when they are gone the argument breaks. I guess I am little fucked up. I guess I already knew that. I guess I am not fixing it.