Trajectory

The path continued to it's end, in which the Match guy texted me and said he put more thought into it and we're not a good match after all. OK. Bye. But also WTF? We had exchanged text messages for fucks sake. I know how it goes, a better looking offer appears, you can't juggle multiple people when you first start, but it really felt shitty on top of shitty. Then after that I decided to call MB, I got to thinking about what I am good at, and one of the things is making awkward situations better, connecting with people etc. So I thought I'd call and just try and have some kind of verbal report. We'll that kinda sucked. We chatted for a bit, he got another call, said he'd call back. Didn't. Emailed to apologize. OK got it.

I've been doing things 1 of 2 ways. Old way, take charge, make it happen which results in not seeing how the other person feels about me, creating insecurities in me because I am not being pursued, or the alternative of doing nothing but being available.

I get the lesson, but I don't believe in it. I get that it will happen when it is supposed to happen and you can't force it. But doing nothing is just not me. It reminds me a little of "To worry or not to worry, the outcome is the same". The craziness of me doesn't create the momentum I want. Just like hysterical mom doesn't make Keith change. OK maybe I do believe in that.

The rejection is so inner child though. Every time I put myself out there, I am admitting to the world and myself I need help, I want to be taken care of. That's big stuff for me. When your mom didn't take care of you it seems like a huge risk. Part of me can't believe all these strangers don't get that. But duh, they don't get that.

boys are super dumb

So, no one called for any reason. That's that. No call from high energy sober guy, no call from MB. It should be a reminder not to worry or get wrapped up in anything that isn't happening right now. Because that's a lot of energy and it didn't even exist really.

MB emailed me today that someone was asking him about us in Chicago. I don't understand the purpose of that correspondence. Does he just want to talk to me? What does he expect me to say? I asked him how he responded and how he thought he knew. Said he didn't respond and asked me if I told our mutual irish friend. No, he's like my dad or pervy uncle. I told him I hoped it didn't make him uncomfortable or cause problems @ work. He said it didn't. That whole correspondence made me insecure....I prefer phone conversations to some degree. One side is he wanted a reason to communicate w me, but whatevs. Boys are super dumb. I also found him on FB (more fb induced pain) and sent a friend request with a note that I was very grateful he's a democrat. Made me wonder if the email today was a diversionary tactic to avoid me on FB, also wondered what the other guy might now about SCG and what he would say to MB. I don't really care, but if someone else does they should just call me. The perils of sleeping with strangers.

I just wish someone would step up to the plate a bit. I am so ready to take charge but always holding back. If I do to much I'll never know what they are willing to do.
Been txting for 2 days w a match guy. Why doesn't he just ask to meet for a drink or something? Lots of investment, may not go anywhere. Boys are super dumb.

What Can I Say

I am not sure WTF is going on with me right now. I am kicking it old school, several glasses into a bottle of wine and hitting the internet. I really hope I dont have to pick Keith up somewhere, but it's likely I will.

I thought the internet thing went well on Thurs night. It's Sat, no word yet. Tomorrow is day 3, so we'll see. He had a lot of energy, in a hyper good sort of way, and was sober which is interesting. Nothing ventured at this point. Haven't heard from MB since the heads up about next week not working. I am trying to determine what I am willing to do in the case of a call next week. I fear I am willing to do too much.

And then I went a little crazy for a pretty stupid reason

Bella won a reading contest in her class and went out to dinner with her teacher and 2 other kids. One of which is the daughter of the crazy mom that I love. So I went out to dinner with crazy mom, which makes me feel happy because I have officially made a friend. I picked Keith up from a friends, he asked me if he could go before he went, and agreed on a reasonable pick up time!

I was home doing whatever and get an email from MB, the guy from Chicago. We went back and forth for an hour or so and then he says he's going to be in San Diego next week do I want to see him. Umm, yes please. So you know how my mind works in these cases. I started asking about logistics, which day, what time, any other old work people there. I went to bed before the answers and then I woke up a few hours latter and couldn't sleep for a few hours. A lot of anxiety about the whole thing. I am playing out what the rejection is going to feel like when he doesn't show up, when he cancels, when he is late. I am living with the negative, creating the negative, all kinds of crazy. I am also letting that bleed into everyone I meet. I have the other date tonight, like its not the same energy? I isolate or compartmentalize the humiliation and hurt from SCG, and even GF before that and my body feels like it's reacting to the risk. I can remember so clearly the feeling when I was in Austin to see SCG and I'm leaving from the airport feeling WCS creeping in. And then it was.

I think it's more about the fact that I ignored my gut and the signs in the old situations, but now my gut is confused and sending signals before signs. How to I realign it? I never want to stop taking risks, but risks with the anticipation of failure is just failure.

Mid day update
Unlikely to happen, he emailed this AM and said schedule is falling apart. I get that, I know how those things go, but feels self fulfilled, embarrassing. Some progress though, he told me in advance vs no call no show. All of it is also self contained, he has no idea the reaction, played it cool. Slightly disappointed in Marie however. Txt'd her last night with something obviously requiring feedback, and then called this AM and nothing in return.
Another update
I went and talked to Stevie Nicks and she said the anxiety was really the gut going off about doing more than my share. Driving to see him and making all those plans feels like something OK to do, but her point was he should do more.

I think I should

I think I should write something, but don't feel like anything is making me too crazy this second. I went for a bike ride today!!!!! first time in forever and I was smiling ear to ear for the first 10 miles, the next 15 were still good but some work. I can easily add a little more each weekend.

I went and saw A Single Man tonight. It was heartache on screen.

Not sure what else. I need to work, the last week has been so lame on my part, so hopefully this week will be better.

I have an internet date I think might be OK, we'll see.

WTF is going on with me? FFS!

I hit the wall tonight. Of course with Keith, I was really seriously furious. He comes on strong and doesn't ever back down or deal with me being pissed at him. I feel really out there on my own with him. I still defend him to Lindsey and if he doesn't fucking turn out right, it's all on me. Why does he have to be such a dick? The details don't even matter, I am just worn out with acting like he's not being a dick.

I don't know why I am worn out, things are easier for me now than ever in a lot of respects. Work especially.

I am worn out from not having what I want (crying now). I want some fucking help, from someone on my side. I don't want to go to that down place and stay there for any length of time, I feel like I finally climbed out. I get these little stray flicker of hope, but they don't pan out. I am better with that than I have been in the past, but it still induces a cycle, and there's no pay off in it. Masturbating with out orgasm. NG.

I had 2 options in the moment, in my mind. Calling Ex or Nan (crying again). WTF is going on with that? For fuck's sake that's not really how I had hoped it would turn out. Part of me knows it has to be this way, in an optimistic sort of way, but it is a relentless cycle.

The whole f'ing thing with Steve has me pissed of too. He called, didn't work out for lunch, haven't heard from him since. Also fucking facebook doesn't make anything better, I can tell he's had time for that. I feel like a total idiot writing that but also with fucking SCG. He's back on FB, sent a request, got nothing back, and he's also been online. So whatevs. I should not give a FUCK about either of them, but I got nothing else going on. The online thing is such a filthy meaningless thing to do.

So tomorrow I resume. It appears I should give up FB for a while if it is making me this pissed.

Surviving NJ

I got totally sick on the way home from NJ. The last hour of the flight I felt awful, then when I stepped outside I thought I was going to faint. I made it home, changed clothes, got into bed, and left only to through up or use the bathroom for the next 24 hours. Poor Bella, I'd been gone a week, then couldn't move for 24 hours. Her birthday party was Sunday. She was worried I'd be too sick to go, but I was pretty much recovered by Saturday. The birthday party was a hit and it's good to be working from home for the next few weeks. Keith's getting a new bed this afternoon, lots of cleaning up this AM.

After being sick I've seen how much I really eat and how much a part of my day food and thinking about food is. It's not cool. I'm trying (of course) to retain some of this perspective as the illness is gone and my mind takes over. I woke up in the middle of the night last night going over a memory I have from childhood. I have thought about this often, I think it is the first memory I have of food compulsion. I was somewhere between 8-11, and it was summer vacation. My mom worked nights and I'd have to keep myself busy for hours a day while she slept. I remember taking frozen fruit and a big coffee can sized container of honey and sitting behind a chair and dipping the fruit in the can and eating it. Someone pulled up (probably Jan or Joan E to rescue me for the afternoon) and I had to hurry and get rid of the evidence. Like I said this memory comes to mind often, not daily but enough to know it's not new. Last night I thought about the pressure my mom put on me regarding my weight, and how at the same time I was left alone for hours. I remember about 11 or 12 being told to go ride my bike. I was an only child, without friends in the neighborhood and the food/exercise issue was on the table. It occurred to me that these are pretty adult problems, one most adults don't solve, and it was put off on me like "Go fix this". It makes me sad, that child needed more care than she received and I am that child now. I care for myself, and I think loosing weight would be a better way of demonstrating the care and regard I have for myself, but at the same time caring for myself some how means this problem shouldn't be on the table, I should be loved as is. I know Bella needs exercise, so we go out and get it. I know she needs to eat well so I prepare it. I know what compulsive eating looks like, and duh she's not left to her own devices for hours and then blamed for the outcome.

What now though. Do I continue to carry this around and blame her? That seems to be giving her a lot more power in my life than I am willing to hand over. I haven't got it all figured out but if it's waking me up in the middle of the night there is something there. It makes me feel a little sick to write this out even.