I've got about 45 min until my flight leaves and I've got no status on Alaskan, so I'm sitting at the gate. I didn't sleep well last night, I had a really weird dream. It was like Kafka on the Shore so I know how it came about, but I felt really scared (in the dream) and like I had to protect the kids-somehow Marie was in it too. I hate it when people recount their dreams, but the weird part is my horoscope this morning said that I had a dream that's hard to shake today.
I was in the room last night, watching TV and semi obsessively checking for email/sms messages. I realized I'm lonely. I don't know why that is hard to say or accept, but it is. I'm sure that's why I do the online dating thing even though it doesn't really accomplish anything, the communication part makes me feel less lonely while it's happening. I'm far away from home, sometimes with friends sometimes not, and it's nice to believe someones wondering about me. Even it if is basically strangers. I am not sure how to get around that, I can accept it, which I think I do, but obviously I'm not surrendering to it, which I think I have to, to really learn from it. When I sit here and think about it the only thing that comes to mind is-- Why? Why doesn't someone care about me? Why doesn't someone want to know what the fuck is going on with me? I know there are plenty of people in my life who care about me, but their roles are specific. Kids-Friends-Family, none are naturally inclined to put me at the top of their list. I don't want to feel like this forever, but at the same time it seems essentially selfish. Can I really expect that from anyone? Especially someone I don't even know? I have to find that person? Wow! I'm not sure what to think of that. I'm going to take the Billie Holiday approach, Good Morning Heartache Sit Down. It's not all that dramatic, but maybe if I just sit with it a while I'll find the lesson.
Anyway, should be an easy flight home I'm going to get a pedicure then got to japanese class...Im thinking of asking lindsey if the kids cans stay with me tonight, but I'm not sure. I don't want to act like my travel is his issue to work with, and I don't know what Bella would prefer. He has them so little he should do some work, but I miss them. I'd also like to ride the bike after class. I guess I'll wait until I get home and then figure it out.
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