I think I should

I think I should write something, but don't feel like anything is making me too crazy this second. I went for a bike ride today!!!!! first time in forever and I was smiling ear to ear for the first 10 miles, the next 15 were still good but some work. I can easily add a little more each weekend.

I went and saw A Single Man tonight. It was heartache on screen.

Not sure what else. I need to work, the last week has been so lame on my part, so hopefully this week will be better.

I have an internet date I think might be OK, we'll see.

WTF is going on with me? FFS!

I hit the wall tonight. Of course with Keith, I was really seriously furious. He comes on strong and doesn't ever back down or deal with me being pissed at him. I feel really out there on my own with him. I still defend him to Lindsey and if he doesn't fucking turn out right, it's all on me. Why does he have to be such a dick? The details don't even matter, I am just worn out with acting like he's not being a dick.

I don't know why I am worn out, things are easier for me now than ever in a lot of respects. Work especially.

I am worn out from not having what I want (crying now). I want some fucking help, from someone on my side. I don't want to go to that down place and stay there for any length of time, I feel like I finally climbed out. I get these little stray flicker of hope, but they don't pan out. I am better with that than I have been in the past, but it still induces a cycle, and there's no pay off in it. Masturbating with out orgasm. NG.

I had 2 options in the moment, in my mind. Calling Ex or Nan (crying again). WTF is going on with that? For fuck's sake that's not really how I had hoped it would turn out. Part of me knows it has to be this way, in an optimistic sort of way, but it is a relentless cycle.

The whole f'ing thing with Steve has me pissed of too. He called, didn't work out for lunch, haven't heard from him since. Also fucking facebook doesn't make anything better, I can tell he's had time for that. I feel like a total idiot writing that but also with fucking SCG. He's back on FB, sent a request, got nothing back, and he's also been online. So whatevs. I should not give a FUCK about either of them, but I got nothing else going on. The online thing is such a filthy meaningless thing to do.

So tomorrow I resume. It appears I should give up FB for a while if it is making me this pissed.

Surviving NJ

I got totally sick on the way home from NJ. The last hour of the flight I felt awful, then when I stepped outside I thought I was going to faint. I made it home, changed clothes, got into bed, and left only to through up or use the bathroom for the next 24 hours. Poor Bella, I'd been gone a week, then couldn't move for 24 hours. Her birthday party was Sunday. She was worried I'd be too sick to go, but I was pretty much recovered by Saturday. The birthday party was a hit and it's good to be working from home for the next few weeks. Keith's getting a new bed this afternoon, lots of cleaning up this AM.

After being sick I've seen how much I really eat and how much a part of my day food and thinking about food is. It's not cool. I'm trying (of course) to retain some of this perspective as the illness is gone and my mind takes over. I woke up in the middle of the night last night going over a memory I have from childhood. I have thought about this often, I think it is the first memory I have of food compulsion. I was somewhere between 8-11, and it was summer vacation. My mom worked nights and I'd have to keep myself busy for hours a day while she slept. I remember taking frozen fruit and a big coffee can sized container of honey and sitting behind a chair and dipping the fruit in the can and eating it. Someone pulled up (probably Jan or Joan E to rescue me for the afternoon) and I had to hurry and get rid of the evidence. Like I said this memory comes to mind often, not daily but enough to know it's not new. Last night I thought about the pressure my mom put on me regarding my weight, and how at the same time I was left alone for hours. I remember about 11 or 12 being told to go ride my bike. I was an only child, without friends in the neighborhood and the food/exercise issue was on the table. It occurred to me that these are pretty adult problems, one most adults don't solve, and it was put off on me like "Go fix this". It makes me sad, that child needed more care than she received and I am that child now. I care for myself, and I think loosing weight would be a better way of demonstrating the care and regard I have for myself, but at the same time caring for myself some how means this problem shouldn't be on the table, I should be loved as is. I know Bella needs exercise, so we go out and get it. I know she needs to eat well so I prepare it. I know what compulsive eating looks like, and duh she's not left to her own devices for hours and then blamed for the outcome.

What now though. Do I continue to carry this around and blame her? That seems to be giving her a lot more power in my life than I am willing to hand over. I haven't got it all figured out but if it's waking me up in the middle of the night there is something there. It makes me feel a little sick to write this out even.

Sitting in Coach en route to Newark

Sadly True Title. Writing to pass the time, not much to say really. I went to dinner/drinks with Shelagh last night, it was fun. I used to be jealous that I wasn’t really in her life, but thankfully not carrying that around now. It’s so hard to explain why I got divorced or what’s wrong with Lindsey. Can I tell a million small stories and it seems like I am petty and none of it matters? Can I explain how he didn’t want me to be me and how he hated my spark (any spark). It feels weird.

I’m not sure if I ever wrote about Steve, a guy I used to work with about 10-12 yrs ago. We always got a long great, and we were always married. When I left Kx I called and let him know and we spent a few months going to lunch once a week or more. He wanted to have an affair, but I held fast and wouldn’t (amazing!). His marriage was on and off, and he has a 4 or 5 yr old autistic son, and he’s about 50. Overtime it was getting harder to resist, and spending time with him was acting as a surrogate for me finding something else. I didn’t hear from him for over a month and when I did I was pissed and told him I felt used. Then I didn’t hear from him for a few more months.

He texted me last week. I had been thinking of calling him, but thankfully didn’t. We were supposed to meet for lunch last week, but he was in Long Beach and I didn’t feel like driving that far.

The whole thing was lasted about 2 months (June/July), maybe into Aug or Sept. I remember it was insufferably hot every time I saw him. I wanted to be the friend that helps you in a bad time in your marriage. That’s such a tough place to be alone. But I heard a few things I really didn’t like. He was very hateful towards his wife’s almost infidelity, but we were almost infidels weekly. He wanted her and his son to move so he could stay in the house. Don’t kids need their Mom’s and lots of stability? Also he’s old and the thought of a BF with an autistic son is a bit much. Maybe not if he was super dad, but I wasn’t really feeling that. We do have a certain chemistry though, and he has the right sensibilities. I am waiting to see how long and if he’ll contact me again after the lunch didn’t work out, and what he has to say for himself.

I had lunch with an internet guy and it was :I . Maybe it wouldn’t suck but I wasn’t feeling it, and I don’t think he was either. He has emailed me since, but IDK. Nothing wrong, but nothing right either. There are 2 or 3 others out there but it’s been tedious.

Ouch!

The Birthday Rant seems a little harsh as does the post before that. I guess I'm using the blog to vent all kinds of stuff, but when I re read it I don't really remember feeling as strongly in those moments.

Today I was walking the dog in the back bay and it's raining and muddy and I tried to walk across a log (really a cautionary tree branch in a deep mud puddle) and, wait for it, wait for it. I fell. My ankle is swollen, but not beyond use and I had to walk a mile covered entirely on my right side in mud back to the car. Since then icing, and it should be OK at some point. Funny though, I just wrote out a big calendar/to do on walking/exercising and eating right to get things in order before Puerto Rico in May. The commitment was 1 hr a day. That hour might hurt a bit more than I bargained for.

Not much else really, saw Stevie Nicks today. We both agreed that my on the road energy/work confidence is what makes me get more male attention there than at home. I'll try to have that in mind this week for the online thing.

It's My Birthday this is my rant

It is and it's been a good day. Busy with work, actually productive, plenty of well wishes. Went to dinner with the kids. I am 39 yrs old for fucks sake, what should a birthday look like.

I hate doing the online dating thing, but have forced myself to in order to meet anyone. When someone appears to be interested, I get negative. Disqualifying them or berating myself.

Figured out a way to get the guy to email me. Lame, old habit and it worked. Now right were I started. Slept w a guy who I don't know.

Bored at home, internet isn't offering anything entertaining.

Impatient with Bella.

Suspicious of Keith.

Birthday rant.

Old Habits

I hadn't had sex for a year and half. It was OK for the first year I guess. I was focused on not repeating the issues of SCG and really focusing on what I want; a relationship, something repeatable. As I have explained I have been thinking about sex, sweating sex, distracting myself from thoughts of sex and that is awkward. So I was at a meeting in Chicago and met someone who works at KeFX and had a little too much to drink and he was in pursuit. The good news is the dry spell is over, or at least the counter has been reset. It was fun and in the moment I didn't feel any regret or anxiety (more than a couple of drinks will do that to you). He was very sweet and then he left in the AM and I haven't heard from him since.

I still don't really regret it, but this is not who I am or who I want to be. Colleagues will talk, and I want something more and sleeping with someone immediately isn't going to give that to me. It made me see I was missing intimacy and craving that vs sex. I also see myself capable of repeating the past. Turning this stranger into an option, I could find him on facebook, I could call or txt, I could find a reason to go to his town. I am not doing any of those things and on one hand that's good, but on the other hand it makes me see I slept with a stranger. Uggh. Also does not help that I read Finding Mr. Goodbar on the plane on the way over. Harsh.

I am hoping I can take the confidence of knowing someone was interested, keep that desperate edge away and go into meeting people with a better head.