Here. There. Everywhere

Dear Diary,

I can no longer resist the pull of the confessional post. Although I have nothing to confess I' ve tried to avoid the list of complaint/sad sack post I previously perfected. I fear I can no longer resist.

I' m wondering what my passion really is. If I could do something very fulfilling what would that be? Would it be capitalism, would it be altruistic, would it be nothing (winning the lotto?). I am not sure. There is something out there more compelling than what currently takes me away from home.

I am good at motivating and supporting others (leading them to do their best)
I am good at making and executing decisions

I care about humanity in a way that is under used
I need to make 150k+ to drop out of corporate life.


Seems kinda like a 12yr olds diary entry, but I think it's a pretty good start. I care about helping people-bottom line- that's what I tap into for the corporate life. I'd like have something more meaningful. Reading about the Clinton Foundation, the problems in the Sudan, micro lending, issues of access make me feel-I want to contribute. I went to the Claim Jumper the other night and was appalled by the waste. Can't we connect the hungry with the excess? What if I could automatically donate 25% of my meal to someone in need (same fee, smaller portion)? I would always do that. I think many Americans want to help but they don't like to donate $, they like to do, or have the belief that they are eliminating bureaucracy or government from giving. I have to start participating in some organizations to see how it feels and learn about how they work to see where I can fit.

I was in NYC for a few days for work. Perfect weather, great energy. I really loved walking to appointments with JayZ on the iPod and the sky line. Didn't maximize the city at night, it was the first time I was there alone and couldn't muster the ability to take it outside after hours. I did talk to a man in a bar (!) but didn't pursue it to the full extent (safety first!). I wanted to have company while I was there. Even Ethan or Tets is a willing ride along. I still think about the Steve situation too. I draft strongly worded emails and develop manifestos but don't send them. What's the desired outcome? Apology? Whatever. Push the interaction to an affair? I am too good for that. But I am also with no current offers or options on the table and 14 months into a dry spell.

At this very instant I am such a mix of optimism and pessimism. I think it's all possible, and what I really want is really out there, but I go home to routine and can't break out. I fell a mix of getting used to what I don't want for myself (cats/boxed wine/sweat pants) and the potential of putting myself in the right environment. The result is just pressing pause and doing nothing. Part of me still cant contextualize a relationship in my life completely. Like introducing the kids and integrating someone into my life openly seems years away. Literally years away. I think part of that is based in self doubt. Doubt of my abilities to make the right relationship decisions (lowering my tolerance for crazy) and doubting my desirability. I have to leave those anchors, but there are obstacles. Survival with kids, work, day to day always wears me down.

Everything stays the same and everything changes

All that stuff about Keith not using drugs, False. He got caught by the cops smoking on Friday behind the Wendy's (classy). He got a ticket, but didn't get handcuffed or taken in anywhere. Keith was the one who bought it and had it ready to go. I gave him about 1 hr after school and his dad gave him $20 and there you go.

The police called me and I went and picked him up (from behind said Wendy's) and flipped the fuck out. I yelled at him, at his friends. Threw his phone in the bushes, mad mom on 11. Now it's the following Wednesday and I am not sure WTF is going on w me. We went and saw the counselor again on Tuesday and she spent time alone with me. We are all in agreement that the drug use is unacceptable completely, but the fighting and the arguing after wards is normal ant expected behavior. She was giving me a lot of advice about not talking to him like an adult or expecting him to behave as one. I never considered myself a mom that needed to be friends with her kid, or was looking for him to fill some other emptiness, but that was 100% the talk I was getting. Wow! It's hard to accept that I might be doing that, but I am trying to wrap my head around it.

It's still an incredibly emotional reaction. I have some feeling of relief that his behavior is mostly normal but my mind just can't wrap around how to deal with it and what to do.

There's the same old stuff-needing to make more friends, wanting to meet someone, dealing with the fall out of the ups and downs of what wasn't but what I thought might kinda be. That doesn't deserve the space or attention of the other issues, but it exists.

Teen Agers Suck

We are more than a week into the Pot thing turning everything upside down. We spent a week in the house together, which is truly excruciating. Now he has his phone and internet privileges back and I have been letting him out a few hours at a time.

We saw a counselor who specializes in drug use. I think she mostly gets court ordered clients. She was hard on him and made me see some flaws in my logic or actions. Even now I don't know why I let him out at all. Today he went w his Dad for a few hours and was miserable about it. My first reaction was to make it easier for him and get him out of it. Didn't do that, but seeing I need to think about decisions before I make them. My inclination to accommodate isn't helping. I feel like Keith can't handle stress of any kind and up until now I've mad that easy, getting it out of his way, or relaxing expectations. Now when I can't do that, he's using Pot to alleviate the stress. It was shocking to me how many things Nan has done that I have laughed at in the past-like getting Martin a dog-came to mind for me. That was an eye opener.

It's been a really tough couple of weeks. So much screaming and yelling, so many ways for a 14 yr old to throw a tantrum, but no drug use, so that is really the thing to remember. School starts in a few days, really really really looking forward to structure.

Take a ways, repeating the past is insidious and you have to do things deliberately to avoid it. Kids say crap they don't mean. Don't let their words hurt you.