Back To School

It's funny how the repetition of school kind of reset my guard to a weaker point. After school hours are full of shuffling. Home from school, on to appointments or activities. I think about leaving Keith at home for some of it, but can't let my guard down. I am suspicious of him almost all the time. He's getting away with something. He was too complacent tonight, no anxious energy. Even without Bella hear to torture (at her Dads) he should have been restless or looking for entertainment.

I know I'll find out, but I honestly don't want to. I don't want more tightening of the screws.

I am torn between wanting to create my own life, and not adding new destinations and things to do to the calendar which would make it easier to leave Keith unsupervised.

I'd also like to devote some time to the douchiness of the baby daddy. Not now I guess, but I am cataloging it for the near future.

What Day Is It?

I have to stop and calculate the day. I am home alone. Bella is staying at her dad's (it's Sunday) and Keith wanted to stay at Nan's. He's been staying there often, but I don't push it because I know he is safe there, and I know he wants out from under me sometimes. He won't be able to stay over there on school nights (I might actually make it to Tuesday), and so he is tonight.

Yesterday was tense, he was trying to figure out how to get away getting some free time after school. Shut it down. Today we went to the movies and he and Martin started P90x.

There are a few things on my mind. I look at Lindsey and his GF's facebook daily. I also still know the password to his gmail. I find things I already know that reinforce my frustration with him. It's meaningless....he is who he is and will always do him the way he does now, but I want that ammunition which I never use. He's living happily (I gather). He seems to be. I am not happy though. There is no me+him equation for happiness, I never doubt that, but I make myself a little crazy every time I look. Which, again, is every day.

Also. I have some free time and there is no one to call and no one that calls. So that's still happening. When things are going with the kids I can say to myself that this is what I need to do, I need to focus on this, this is my life. But when they are gone the argument breaks. I guess I am little fucked up. I guess I already knew that. I guess I am not fixing it.

Strung Out

As usual I don't know what to say or where to start. I let Keith out of the house for a few hours yesterday and he smoked pot. I confronted him, he lied, I ended up flipping out on him.

I guess that sums it up. Nearly 6 weeks down the drain.

I am not all that surprised, really hurt by the lying. Really over it.

I don't want my life to be this way. I don't want to live with someone who will fight me at every opportunity. I don't want to be alone and friendless..

I know everyone feels this way sometimes. I know all feelings are temporary but I need some fucking relief.

Do we always orbit around the same problems?

I am focusing on accepting my life as is, believing this is the way it is supposed to be, regardless of my wants. I am grateful my job is flexible and I can manage the stuff with Keith and having both the kids out of school for the summer. I am grateful I am near my family and they are so willing to help. I am grateful I don't live with someone that makes me unhappy so I can focus on so many other things. I am grateful I can make so many choices-bike ride, dog walk, buy dinner or cook at home. So many comforts I have done with out and was raised with out.

Of course though I struggle with gratitude. I get so frustrated that Lindsey is doing what ever the fuck he wants whenever with whoever and has all of those options available to him. These are his kids, responsibility, crisis too. As the counselor says, he is being him, and that is why you divorced him. I wanted to go and see Lucinda Williams last night, but I don't even consider buying tickets because I have no one to go with. I heard Weezer's going to do a tour where they play Pinkerton all the way through. Will I have anyone to do anything with by then?

I just don't feel the internet or online dating really bringing someone into my life. My job doesn't bring local people too me. Again there are so many good things, but those things sting. I thought I'd have friends to do stuff with and that is not the case. Hasn't this been going on for like 2 years?

Calgon Take Me Away

I need some non alcohol, non carbohydrate related stress relief. It's tough to organize my day or time to be able to exercise as stress relief. I can walk the dog, but getting my sweat on is tough to schedule. Jogging has negative side effects for days (too fat to jog), achy hips, knees, feet. Not making excuses, it just is what it is. I also have to work everyday, at least a little.

Keith was asking when he'd get some freedom back, wants to have a social life this summer. I think it will be another month before we know what the story is with his charges, school starts in 3 weeks. I am stressed just thinking about how to keep him home on Fridays and weekends once school starts. He cannot control himself around smoking/drinking other dangerous behavior and the bottom line is that will land him directly in jail. I don't know how to get that through to him. I've told him he should get a job, but he's not making any moves towards that.

I really do want to eat and drink non stop after 4 PM. I am thinking about asking my Dr for Xanax or something similar. Calorie free at least. I don't want to dull my instincts though. They haven't let me down with Keith yet.

I always feel super needy when I write stuff like what I am about to write, but it really amazes me how much of this is on my own. Nan and Martin are a HUGE help. Lindsey can only react, can't do or initiate anything. No one else really is around. I expect too much from Marie. She's my friend, not my life partner, but it's a disappointing conversation every time she says I should have Lindsey more involved or someone should beat some sense into Keith. It seems that we are past that. What good would that do?

I am a totally lacking patience and get bitchy too fast with Bella. Even when she's been with her dad all of Sunday, most of Monday and with Nan for hours today. I just shut down some how as soon as Keith is gone (like w Nan or Martin) and don't have much left for her. Shitty.

I was feeling marginally positive

Still going, still getting out of bed everyday. Feeling less paralyzed, but still plenty of craziness. I had Keith and Martin paint Keith's room today. I figured he needed to respect his environment to have any self respect and the room was pretty much a reflection of his previous state. It went pretty well, they did a good job. It cost a lot of money.

We went to the MD and he was prescribed Zolof which is of the prozac family. It was a very scary proposition. I am nervous about side effects and nervous about encouraging drugs to solve problems. I found a note in his wallet were he had written down the name of one of Ed's medications. It was a cholesterol drug. That's how bad it is.

He also just came out to ask me if he could walk the dog so I asked him what was in his pockets, he had some stickers which basically=graffiti and I know he had a cigarette he took from Martin. Same old shit. He hasn't even been able to sleep in his own bed for almost 2 weeks, but he's still down to smoke cigarettes (that he stole) and tag shit. It's going to be a long road.

I am still fat. I think I get why ;-)

Breakfast-Zen raisin bread w peanut butter = 330 calories
Snack-Banana 100 calories
Lunch-Sonic Chicken w bacon and tater tots=1000 calories
Dinner-Beer, brown rice, chicken, broccoli 800 calories
~2300 Calories

Monday I'm going to weight watchers for about the 4th time. It worked that one time, but I had an energy for it that I don't know if I can reclaim. I just need that feeling of control though, giving myself the medicine of diet/exercise.

Tomorrow Keith, Martin and I are going to the Getty to see a photography exhibit. Am I an idiot? I keep trying, but same results. I guess he's the idiot for now but I'm definitely in the game with an idiot. t

I'd like to lie down under my desk

I'm in the office today, had lap top repaired and other stuff to get done. None of which really got done (laptop repair not my responsibility, so it got done). I'm sick with anxiety. That is the bottom line. I am nearly immobile today, I really want to go somewhere and cry but I want someone there who will comfort me and who genuinely cares.

I don't even want to write down what I caught Keith doing yesterday, it's so unbelievably fucked up with him right now and I can't see any progress or movement towards change. I'm worn out, I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm ashamed. I'm old, I'm fat, it's not a good time.

Today I am taking him to the medical Dr. to see about medication for depression. I do think he needs it, but I am scared of him falling into the 4% that becomes worse by taking it. I am also concerned by medicating problems, that's what he's basically been doing for a long time and he needs to learn not to. WTF is going to become of my son? It is the fucking scariest thing ever.